They way we see you

I've never had real self-esteem problems. Yes, there have been (and still are) things about myself that I'm not particularly fond of, but they've never bothered me to the point of really messing me up. I know I'm pretty and smart and talented. Not perfect, but still, attractive.

But for some reason, I've always had a hard time believing that others see me that way. I suppose it's because I just haven't received a lot of attention that points to people thinking I'm beautiful. But still, I knew I was beautiful and I figured that was good enough. Maybe I didn't adore myself but I liked myself.

I remember once for a YW activity we did "glamor shots." Sister Hoffstrand set up her photography studio in the church and Sister Murphy did our makeup. Then we posed in several different ways as our pictures were taken. A few weeks later, we were all given a framed copy of our best picture with a caption that said, "The greatest gift that we could give would be for you to see yourself as we see you." And even though it was a cheesy activity and I was an awkward teenager with braces, that is still one of my favorite pictures. I really think I look beautiful in it.

I really like the message of that caption. Maybe I like myself, but I had never really seen myself through the eyes of someone that unconditionally loves me. To them, I was beautiful in every way--even in my awkwardness and braces.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out why I've been so happy the past week. Yeah, I got a boyfriend and school has been going fairly well, but I've been...I don't know...more confident. More willing to laugh. I rarely think about sad things, and when I do, I can easily cheer myself up.

And why? One word: Mark. Really, I never realized how good for me this relationship would be. I'm rarely self-conscious about anything with him. When I think my hair looks lame, he thinks it looks sexy. When I think I'm wearing bummy clothes, he thinks I have style. I love the way he looks at me--he gets this cute, timid smile, like a little kid with a lollipop. He tells me that he checks me out all the time. He runs his finger through my hair like he can't get enough. And he kisses and holds me like he never wants to stop. He thinks everything about me is beautiful, even when I'm wearing glasses and have no makeup on. Mark has helped me see myself the way my Heavenly Father sees me.

I've never had this kind of relationship with anyone before. I've never been in love with someone who is in love with me too. I love his hazel-blue eyes, his dark hair, his strong arms. I love kissing him over and over and pressing my body close to his. I love that he has the most attractive legs that are always shrouded in sexy jeans. I love the way we banter and end up cracking up at the most random things. I love how he remembers everything I say and pretends to enjoy my long, wordy stories. I love how he offers to do things for me, and how I can tell he loves doing them. I love how he puts me before himself and how I miss him when he's gone. I love that he tells me everything, even when it's hard. I love that I can trust him with my thoughts and feelings. I love that he takes a genuine interest in anything that is important to me, and that he supports me. I love how he appreciates art, music, and literature, and is still so manly about it. I love that we talk about everything and anything and that I never tire of his company. I love how he doesn't mind that I'm afraid of a lot of things, and that he is always so gentle with me. I love how he talks about how much he loves Mexico and Texas. I love how he's open to new ideas. I love how he's more comfortable than my bed.

I could probably go on and on, but mostly I love that he loves me.

That is why I'm happy.