I went to Mark's house today. It was nice. I had a lot of fun just sitting around with him. He was sort of hyper (I tend to have that effect on people because I'm so amazing) and he attacked me several times, but he made up for it with a fabulous foot massage. We seem to be completely past the touch barrier; in fact, I think we were friendlier today than we'd ever been. And except for the times I was being mercilessly tickled (he's not ticklish, which is so unfair), it was very comfortable.
I almost feel like we're even better friends than we were before. We can talk about almost anything without feeling awkward. Yeah, he's still dating That Girl, but he hasn't let that get in the way of us being friends. He's very gentle with me--he's careful not to say anything that will hit a nerve, and I, in return, try to give him unbiased romance advice, and not let it bother me when he mentions That Girl.
There are two things I was thinking about the other day. The first is that it still bothers me that he's dating her. I suppose it's jealousy, but not in a romantic sense. My previous desire to date Mark has completely disappeared. I think it's more that I don't like to think he's spending time with the person who represents everything that happened this summer. She is very real evidence that I got hurt--she was the reason for it, in fact--and though I'm sure she's a really cool person, I just don't want anything to do with her. I've moved on, but that doesn't mean I can't remember the pain, and I'd rather just not have any reminders.
So obviously I'm pulling for him to break up with her. Mostly because I don't like that he, my very close friend, is closely involved with the very person that represents all the stuff I want to put behind me.
Of course, if he's happy in his relationship, I'll encourage him to stay with her. As long as I don't have to meet her any time soon it's not too hard to pretend she doesn't exist. And I really do give unbiased romance advice. I'm not out to ruin their relationship--I want him to be happy.
The second thing I was thinking about--well, wondering about really--was why I gave him the URL to this blog, and why I continue to let him read it. I mean, Charlie and Julie don't even have this URL. The only person besides Mark that I gave the link to was Mattheus, and he's on a mission now. So why Mark?
Part of it is that I like having a consistent audience. I know that he reads this blog regularly, and there's something strangely pleasing about having someone to listen (or in this case, read). If I gave the link to Julie, I don't know that she would read it regularly. I also think it might just be pointless because I usually just tell her what I think anyway. As for Charlie...well...some of my older posts are about him, about the pain he caused me, about how freaking in love with him I was...For some reason I just am not ready to let him read that yet. I want the Story to be finished completely before he reads it.
So again, why Mark? I guess it's just because I trust him. It didn't take him long to earn my trust--it's a gift of his--and he's proved to me many times that he can keep this to himself, and that he won't misjudge me even when I'm ranting about who-knows-what. He understands my ravings, my little sadnesses, and my random amusements...And mostly, he cares about me in spite of it all. I know he reads my blog because he wants to, not because I want him to. It's nice to know that someone wants to know what I'm thinking, that he values my thoughts, that he wants to understand me.
He complained the other day that I edit my posts because I know he's reading. It's true, but I think it grows less so daily. I usually only edit things that I think would be hurtful to him. Other than that, it's pretty honest.
Okay so this is really long but basically I'm just glad Mark and I were able to remain such good friends. How did he put it? Friends for life.
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1 comment:
Great work.
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