They way we see you

I've never had real self-esteem problems. Yes, there have been (and still are) things about myself that I'm not particularly fond of, but they've never bothered me to the point of really messing me up. I know I'm pretty and smart and talented. Not perfect, but still, attractive.

But for some reason, I've always had a hard time believing that others see me that way. I suppose it's because I just haven't received a lot of attention that points to people thinking I'm beautiful. But still, I knew I was beautiful and I figured that was good enough. Maybe I didn't adore myself but I liked myself.

I remember once for a YW activity we did "glamor shots." Sister Hoffstrand set up her photography studio in the church and Sister Murphy did our makeup. Then we posed in several different ways as our pictures were taken. A few weeks later, we were all given a framed copy of our best picture with a caption that said, "The greatest gift that we could give would be for you to see yourself as we see you." And even though it was a cheesy activity and I was an awkward teenager with braces, that is still one of my favorite pictures. I really think I look beautiful in it.

I really like the message of that caption. Maybe I like myself, but I had never really seen myself through the eyes of someone that unconditionally loves me. To them, I was beautiful in every way--even in my awkwardness and braces.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out why I've been so happy the past week. Yeah, I got a boyfriend and school has been going fairly well, but I've been...I don't know...more confident. More willing to laugh. I rarely think about sad things, and when I do, I can easily cheer myself up.

And why? One word: Mark. Really, I never realized how good for me this relationship would be. I'm rarely self-conscious about anything with him. When I think my hair looks lame, he thinks it looks sexy. When I think I'm wearing bummy clothes, he thinks I have style. I love the way he looks at me--he gets this cute, timid smile, like a little kid with a lollipop. He tells me that he checks me out all the time. He runs his finger through my hair like he can't get enough. And he kisses and holds me like he never wants to stop. He thinks everything about me is beautiful, even when I'm wearing glasses and have no makeup on. Mark has helped me see myself the way my Heavenly Father sees me.

I've never had this kind of relationship with anyone before. I've never been in love with someone who is in love with me too. I love his hazel-blue eyes, his dark hair, his strong arms. I love kissing him over and over and pressing my body close to his. I love that he has the most attractive legs that are always shrouded in sexy jeans. I love the way we banter and end up cracking up at the most random things. I love how he remembers everything I say and pretends to enjoy my long, wordy stories. I love how he offers to do things for me, and how I can tell he loves doing them. I love how he puts me before himself and how I miss him when he's gone. I love that he tells me everything, even when it's hard. I love that I can trust him with my thoughts and feelings. I love that he takes a genuine interest in anything that is important to me, and that he supports me. I love how he appreciates art, music, and literature, and is still so manly about it. I love that we talk about everything and anything and that I never tire of his company. I love how he doesn't mind that I'm afraid of a lot of things, and that he is always so gentle with me. I love how he talks about how much he loves Mexico and Texas. I love how he's open to new ideas. I love how he's more comfortable than my bed.

I could probably go on and on, but mostly I love that he loves me.

That is why I'm happy.

Relationships

So Mark and I are dating. It's great actually. I know he feels bad about what happened and I trust him very much. This summer almost doesn't seem real anymore. There are still rare occasions where I can remember it very clearly--too clearly--but mostly I don't think about it. It just a haze of memory.

It's still weird to me that I'm part of a couple, that I'm not just emotionally and physically attached to someone, but that I'm socially attached as well. I don't think I'm quite used to it yet, but I'm getting there.

I was wondering today why it's weird for me to be in a relationship. And I realized that, besides the fact that I've never officially been in a relationship like this before, I just always pictured myself single. Sure, I could imagine being married with kids, but that always seemed cloudy, indefinite, and far off. I just realized I'm closer to that than I thought.

It's a little scary.

I'm just adjusting slowly.

Then there's Matthew. He wanted to date me. Probably more badly than he lets on. And if it weren't for Mark, I probably would have said yes. We connect really well and I love him dearly, but the timing was just horrible. I still think Matthew is jealous sometimes. I never would have thought I could have that effect on a gay man. I still feel bad about it sometimes. He cried when I told him Mark and I were going to date. I think he's just very insecure sometimes about being gay (can you blame him?) He felt like he wasn't good enough for me, like he was just Plan B and that I deserved better. I hated hearing that. He seems to be doing better now and even talks about trying to meet other straight girls. It's just another one of those things that's just there...

Yet another post of my scattered thoughts. My life is actually quite fabulous right now. Mark amazes me. He's made so much progress and I'm so proud of him. And he's a wonderful boyfriend. I feel so spoiled sometimes.

Anyway, this bug bite on my foot is driving me insane and I have some homework to finish before I can go home. Auf wiedersehen.

Rambly as usual

Just got back from my date. It went like this: I went to his house and we cooked dinner together. Two of his hilarious roommates (with whom I'm also friends) were there "to chaperone." Really, they were just unpacking pots in the kitchen. So we all ate together, which was delightful. My hands smell like onions though. Then, Matthew and I escaped to the dollar theater to see Fantastic Four. He did the whole arm-around-the-waist bit as we walked, and we held hands and snuggled during the movie. But that's not new.

It was just a lovely date. Matthew makes fabulous company and he smells nice (umm I think I smell like him right now...weird). He didn't say or do anything awkward either. When he suggested we do this again sometime, I of course agreed.

There was only one thing he said that makes me wonder, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. He asked me if I had read his blog today, which I hadn't. "Oh, well it's all about you." Really? "Hahahaha no it's not... Well, it is a little... It's just about how I've been really happy lately." Aww I'll go read it. I'm glad you're happy.

So I read his blog just now--and he really doesn't mention me. He mentions some things we've done together, but there were other people there too so I'm just lumped in with his group of friends that he loves. And that's good. But it seems odd he would say anything about it... Perhaps I'm being too analytical. I really don't know how to read romantic signals from gay guys.

I was driving home and I thought, so what if I dated him? I mean, if a guy shows interest and I love to be around him, why not? Last time a guy showed interest that I love to be around...well I got scared and we all know what happened next. So do I have to be in love with the guy before I date him? Or should I just go with the flow?

Man I wish it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I could just find a guy I liked, have him fall in love with me too, and then live happily ever after. None of this "am I attracted to him?" crap. No being scared of hurting someone or getting hurt.

I don't know. I'm much too cheerful right now to think about serious stuff (see? he makes me cheerful! blast.). I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. There's not much else I can do. I'll post more as I think about it more. If I feel like it.

In the mean time, I sort of want a snack.

A quicky...sort of...

Matthew asked me out on a date--dinner and a movie, tomorrow night. I'm actually really excited about it; Matthew is a dear dear friend and is a lot of fun to be with.

I wonder though. A couple of the Moho's have pointed out that Matthew seems to have taken a liking to me. Obviously he's gay so he isn't really attracted to me, but I do know he has thought a lot lately about trying to date girls in the hopes that eventually he can get married. He did tell me that he feels strangely close to me. I agreed with him whole-heartedly--we really haven't known each other for a very long time, but we connect really well and it's really easy for me to tell him personal things. He feels the same way. He even said he thinks I'm his closest girl friend.

Some concerns I have, should he be interested in dating me (these will most definitely require another post at another time when I'm not supposed to be sleeping):

1. I feel very very little romantic attraction to him. This could be simply because he's gay and I haven't allowed myself to be attracted to him. But I wonder if I would be attracted to him under normal circumstances (read: if he were straight).

2. I don't know how I feel about dating a gay guy. There was a time when I was willing, nay, when I wanted to date one--heck I wanted to marry him--but this is a completely different situation. I don't know if I'm up for it.

3. If I were to allow myself to be attracted to him, what if it didn't work out? That's a lot of heartache that I've already been through, and I'd really rather not have to do it again. It would be a huge risk.

4. I'm afraid our friendship would be jeopardized. Could I still be friends with a gay man I once dated? There really aren't many people out there who can tell me about how this type of situation should go.

5. I know he's scared to death of dating women--we've talked about it. If we were going to date, I would have to be incredibly sure of myself because he certainly isn't going to be.

Anyway, I'm probably reading way too much into this--I mean, he asked me on one date. We're friends, we've gone out before...It will be fun, of that I have no doubt. I guess I'm just wondering what I would do if he wanted to date me--if any Moho wanted to date me. It will make for some good posts later, but this is already longer than it was supposed to be. Blast. I have Calculus in the morning. Ha. More later.

A pretty happy post for once--I'm hoping it will make the reader smile

I went to Mark's house today. It was nice. I had a lot of fun just sitting around with him. He was sort of hyper (I tend to have that effect on people because I'm so amazing) and he attacked me several times, but he made up for it with a fabulous foot massage. We seem to be completely past the touch barrier; in fact, I think we were friendlier today than we'd ever been. And except for the times I was being mercilessly tickled (he's not ticklish, which is so unfair), it was very comfortable.

I almost feel like we're even better friends than we were before. We can talk about almost anything without feeling awkward. Yeah, he's still dating That Girl, but he hasn't let that get in the way of us being friends. He's very gentle with me--he's careful not to say anything that will hit a nerve, and I, in return, try to give him unbiased romance advice, and not let it bother me when he mentions That Girl.

There are two things I was thinking about the other day. The first is that it still bothers me that he's dating her. I suppose it's jealousy, but not in a romantic sense. My previous desire to date Mark has completely disappeared. I think it's more that I don't like to think he's spending time with the person who represents everything that happened this summer. She is very real evidence that I got hurt--she was the reason for it, in fact--and though I'm sure she's a really cool person, I just don't want anything to do with her. I've moved on, but that doesn't mean I can't remember the pain, and I'd rather just not have any reminders.

So obviously I'm pulling for him to break up with her. Mostly because I don't like that he, my very close friend, is closely involved with the very person that represents all the stuff I want to put behind me.

Of course, if he's happy in his relationship, I'll encourage him to stay with her. As long as I don't have to meet her any time soon it's not too hard to pretend she doesn't exist. And I really do give unbiased romance advice. I'm not out to ruin their relationship--I want him to be happy.

The second thing I was thinking about--well, wondering about really--was why I gave him the URL to this blog, and why I continue to let him read it. I mean, Charlie and Julie don't even have this URL. The only person besides Mark that I gave the link to was Mattheus, and he's on a mission now. So why Mark?

Part of it is that I like having a consistent audience. I know that he reads this blog regularly, and there's something strangely pleasing about having someone to listen (or in this case, read). If I gave the link to Julie, I don't know that she would read it regularly. I also think it might just be pointless because I usually just tell her what I think anyway. As for Charlie...well...some of my older posts are about him, about the pain he caused me, about how freaking in love with him I was...For some reason I just am not ready to let him read that yet. I want the Story to be finished completely before he reads it.

So again, why Mark? I guess it's just because I trust him. It didn't take him long to earn my trust--it's a gift of his--and he's proved to me many times that he can keep this to himself, and that he won't misjudge me even when I'm ranting about who-knows-what. He understands my ravings, my little sadnesses, and my random amusements...And mostly, he cares about me in spite of it all. I know he reads my blog because he wants to, not because I want him to. It's nice to know that someone wants to know what I'm thinking, that he values my thoughts, that he wants to understand me.

He complained the other day that I edit my posts because I know he's reading. It's true, but I think it grows less so daily. I usually only edit things that I think would be hurtful to him. Other than that, it's pretty honest.

Okay so this is really long but basically I'm just glad Mark and I were able to remain such good friends. How did he put it? Friends for life.

Le sigh

I want a man. Julie and I went to Shane and Matthew's house after church today. I plopped onto Matthew's bed and he lay down and held me for a little while. He's really sweet. Out of all the Moho's I know, he's the only one I would ever consider dating. It was nice to just lie there with him.

I think I'm just tired though. Hopefully I'll have a man soon enough. For now I'll just drink a Capri Sun and maybe take a nap. Mmm.