More thinking

I'm too hard on myself most of the time. It's not a question.

I've thought about this before, trying to find the cause, but it always escapes me. I remember being in the first grade, beating myself up because I had been scolded. I had only been scolded for carelessness--it was an accident really--but the fact that I had been the cause of the teacher's irritation really bothered me.

Reasons? 1) I had always been a good child that didn't get into trouble. The fact that I had caused trouble, no matter how minor, was inconsistent with my normal behavior. 2) I really liked my teacher and didn't ever want to cause her discomfort; and yet, I had just done so.

Reason number two has more weight, and it continues to be the main reason I beat myself up over things. I don't like upsetting/annoying/angering/hurting people I care about. It bothers me to no end.

This brings up a new question: Why does it bother me so much?

In some cases, it bothers me because I'm already insecure in the relationship. If I mess up, I'm afraid it will affect the relationship negatively.

My insecurity in relationships is another manifestation of being hard on myself--I sometimes think people are in relationships with me not because I have anything to offer, but simply because they are nice people.

Again, irrational.

Back to why I don't like to upset people. I think I invest a lot in relationships. I have a lot of really close friends, and they are people that I love almost more than myself. When someone becomes a dear friend, I really care and worry about them, probably more than is normal. I usually develop a hero complex for these people, where I want to anything in my power to save them from pain and discomfort. So when I'm the one that causes someone pain/discomfort/annoyance/whatever, I get really upset with myself.

I don't know if that makes sense at all.

Maybe I'm just a perfectionist. Goes well with my slight OCD.

More later I suppose.