Little things

Julie and I tried to pull an innocent prank last night on a dear friend. It was meant only to make him laugh, and we made sure it would take him no more than a minute to clean it up. It really upset him though and he sent me an email saying so. He was very kind and just told me how he felt, but it made me feel really ashamed of myself at first, and then sort of angry.

The anger is only slightly directed at him--only because I've asked him to be straightforward with me before and he hasn't. It's mostly anger directed at the situation; I hate it when people are upset with me.

It's really the worst feeling in the world. Thinking that I did something to upset or harm someone, or that there's something wrong with me that would annoy them, makes me feel like absolute garbage. I'm a likable person. Until someone gets mad at me--then I feel like I don't deserve friends.

Partly it's because my plan totally backfired--a plan to make someone smile actually made someone angry. He had a good point I suppose, but I can't help but think that if he had done it to me I would have laughed. So where did I miscalculate?

I guess I just don't know him as well as I thought I did. He takes little things a bit more seriously than I do I suppose. I just hate to think that his opinion of me has lowered because of this.

Also, I'm just not secure enough in some of my friendships. A lot of times I think people are just my friends because they are nice, and not because I'm cool. So when they get upset or annoyed with me, I feel like it's just because I'm a naturally annoying person and that I'm burdening them with my friendship. I know it's not logical, but I can't help it, and it's probably one of things I struggle with the most in life.

And then I'm just mad that he couldn't just be a normal person and laugh at it. It was a completely harmless prank, easy to clean up, and obviously meant to be funny. So why can't he just laugh?

Whatever. I will never for the life of me be able to date that kid. I just don't understand him at all. I sent him a nice apology back and Julie and I made him cookies.

In other news, I made it to Provo. It was fun for the first two days, but then today was sort of boring. I want to get our kitchen and front room cleaned up, but I can't until this girl moves the rest of her stuff out. And our carpets were cleaned so there is stuff piled on my bed. And Julie has cramps and probably wouldn't want to do anything even if we had someone to hang out with.

I haven't seen Charlie yet, which isn't like him. That hurts a little bit--that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to see him. And Brian hasn't attempted to see us yet either. We called him a few times, but he's been busy, not to mention he's randomly going to Vegas tomorrow. So that's great.

Mike is the only one that has been absolutely wonderful--he begged me to visit him at work Saturday night, which I did. He gave me one of the most amazing hugs I've ever had, and then we spent all day together yesterday, and we chatted on the phone last night. Unfortunately he went to Salt Lake today so I didn't get to see him.

Also, I think I'm almost ready to see Mark. I just don't think it's going to bother me that much. What I'm worried about is feeling awkward. It's not like I can just pretend things are back to "normal" because they aren't. But I also don't think there's anything else we need to talk out. So what are we going to talk about when we see each other?

Not only that, but what are we going to do? Nothing one-on-one of course. Julie will most likely be keeping me company. But I can't do a huge group thing either because most of my friends would just be rude to Mark, even though I explained that we're on good terms now. I don't want to do lunch or anything because that requires too much direct conversation. Maybe we could just watch Arrested Development at my apartment or something. I don't know. This is way too complicated. I almost hope I just run into him on campus because that would be so much easier.

Meh. Coming back to Provo was good, but I'm actually looking forward for school to start. I've been sitting around all summer, and now I'm still sitting around. Sitting around is not good. I like to keep busy.

I suppose I'll just read some books. Go to the park maybe.