Introverting

I still can't believe how quickly things change-- Mark and I were practically dating, and then in one night it was over; I was so mad at him and then so willing to just let it all go in just a matter of days; mostly, the hurt that I felt when I thought about him melted into mere amusement in only what? a week?

We really did do a lot of random things. It makes me smile, sometimes even laugh, to think of the nights we drove to Walmart, or stayed up late watching some sitcom or another, or just talked about everything and nothing in particular. It even makes me smile to think about that night we went camping, or my last day in Provo.

I sort of wonder why. Why it doesn't hurt anymore, why I'm not sad things didn't work out...

And that's not all I wonder. I still find it unfathomable that he wanted me. I guess that sounds like I have zero self-esteem, but that's not it at all. I look at myself in the mirror and I know I'm pretty, beautiful even. I can see it. And I know I'm funny and that I'm a good friend.

The problem is, I've been wanted by so few people that I think maybe it's gotten to me. I've never been able to understand why I can't seem to have success in the romance department; the only conclusion I can come to is that there is something about myself that repels men, and I have no idea what.

When Mark told me he "liked" me, even though I had already suspected it, it was sort of surprising. I couldn't believe I was the object of his thoughts, that he found me attractive enough to do something about it. It just hadn't happened so smoothly before and it really caught me off-guard.

Even now, I can't completely understand. I know I'm attractive, but I can't believe I was attractive to a specific person. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, there was a guy that cared about you and wanted you.

Of course it's utter nonsense that I think these things. There's no doubt that he was attracted to me and wanted to date me. And I take comfort knowing that, now that it's happened once, it's bound to happen again, if only in the distant future.

I guess I just can't see it from his perspective. I'm so used to wanting people that don't want me--it was odd to have the roles reversed, and I'm still perplexed.

Anywho, I realize I totally abandoned my first quandary in favor of this tangent, but now I'm going to watch Seinfeld with Julie. More of my incredibly nonsensical-but-seemingly-philosophical thoughts later.