I read a post by Samantha today. I've only met her twice in person, but I absolutely adore her. Her blog is one of my all-time favorites.
Anywho, she's been diagnosed with what's called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and she often uses her blog to work through her feelings of inadequacy and fear. She posted something really interesting today(italics=her counselor):
I don't know. Truthfully, I don't see how it can work. Ever. At some point everyone's bound to discover that the person he/she thought I was doesn't exist. Instead they'll be left with the circus freak who has toys glued to her torso, who can't function as a real person because she has no idea how.
You don't believe any of the people you love really know you?
I don't know. Maybe they do. But I don't understand why, if they know me, they would stick around. I wouldn't. I'd see how dangerously needy I am and I'd run away at the first opportunity.
So if you cut yourself off, you relieve them of the responsibility of doing it themselves. You control how and when they'll leave. You put yourself in control by taking away from yourself the very thing you need.
Okay, so I'm really not even close to being like this--I don't think like this at all. But it made me wonder if the reason I'm sometimes insecure in my relationships is because I'm not in control. I don't like feeling that the other person could abandon me at any time--I want to feel like they need me.
I mentioned to Mark once that I had felt like I had the upper hand in our relationship; that he had cared for me more than I had cared about him. He said he felt that way too, and he didn't like it. Of course he didn't like it. But for once, I had control over the relationship; for once, I wasn't afraid he would just lose interest and walk away. He wouldn't leave me because he cared about me too much. And if our relationship did fall apart, I wouldn't be the one to get hurt, because I hadn't invested as much as he had.
Pretty selfish and cruel huh? Obviously it ended up blowing up in my face. By the time I let myself really care about him, I was off to California, he got a girlfriend, and I ended up getting hurt anyway. Not one of my better plans.
I guess the lesson here is just that I need to stop being so scared of getting hurt. Of course I'm going to get hurt, probably several times. I need to take some risks, make myself vulnerable, and just know that if things don't work out it's not because I didn't try. Relationships are supposed to be mutual--no one should have the "upper hand." So I have to go into it knowing that the other person may abandon me.
Easier said than done I suppose.
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