I haven't been explaining myself

I was looking back at some of these posts and realized I haven't been segue-ing very well. Mostly just that I've been leaving out chunks of the story. Not that it matters--I have probably no more than two readers on this blog, one of whom knows the story intimately...I really need to install a stat-counter on here. So lazy.

So Mark and I talked online that night, and I received answers to all of my questions. I would post the conversation, but I don't think it's necessary. It would take a lot of effort to change our screen names and frankly, after what happened last night, it doesn't really matter.

What happened--as if it were some extraordinary event. Well I suppose I should just start from the beginning. *Deep breath.* This is going to be long.

After my conversation online with Mark, I felt...better. Some parts of the conversation reopened wounds and made me even more mad, at both myself and him, but it was still good to talk about everything. He insisted I be brutally honest, and he took the few snide comments I made without complaint. I wasn't really mean though, and by the end of the conversation it was clear we could keep some semblance of our friendship.

I was mostly satiated, but I told him I didn't want to see him for a while, even when I got back to Provo. He understood, and after forming some minor rules about contacting each other, we said goodnight.

Of course I was still a little upset. But I was tired of being angry. The little things that bothered me weren't worth dwelling on, and I decided that I would just let it all go and try to be his friend. So things got easier now that I knew that he had been hurting too; there were, of course, little things that poked at me every now and then, but I was certainly getting better.

We chatted a few times online that week, and it was like old times, just a little more tenacious. He even text me the night before I came back to Provo.

I explained to Julie, Charlie, and Mike that I was back on good terms with Mark and that we were trying to still be friends. Charlie and Mike didn't seemed thrilled with the idea--they were still angry with Mark--but when I told them that's what I wanted, they suppressed their comments and respected my decision. Julie was certainly more understanding, being the only person who knew all of the details of the situation. Charlie and Mike only knew the gist of it, and Collin knew even less. But Julie knew everything, and could even empathize with me. She just warned me to be careful--not because I would do anything stupid, but because I could get hurt again. But she was very supportive.

Fast forward to yesterday. Mark text me in the morning, welcoming me back to Provo and asking if I got settled in. I replied that I had, and that I had a lunch date later in the day (unfortunately, it was with a guy that already has a girlfriend, but I wanted to slip it in there anyway to make me feel good about myself. ha). We chatted about breakfast and some song he downloaded. Then he suggested I stop by the drive-through where he works.

I'm not going to lie, it made me laugh, and I was sorely tempted to accept his invitation. Alas, I declined, for several reasons. Firstly, I didn't think I would have time because I had already promised to take Julie desk shopping, and then I had my lunch "date." Secondly, I really just haven't been eating well lately, and fast-food sounded painful. Thirdly, I was pretty sure I was ready to see him, but I wasn't positive. I did, however, make a resolution to stop by his work before the week was over.

Last night, I'm chewing the fat with Julie as she unpacks, and Mark texts me again: "I have [effed] up my life." This wasn't the first time he had sent me a text to that effect, so I simply replied, "Do you want to talk?" He explained that he knew I didn't want to see him, but he really needed someone to talk to. I suggested we do it over the phone and it was a no go. I voiced my thoughts to Julie, who agreed with my assessment of the situation: I had every right to say no, but if I really want to be friends with him, shouldn't I be there when he needs me?

Julie asked if I was ready to see him. I said I've been ready for a couple of days, just hesitant. She shrugged and said that it was my decision. I replied to Mark that I would see him, and we figured out the how and where.

Then I waited. I read for a bit, getting more and more nervous by the minute. I actually fell into a fitful slumber for about a half hour, then just stared at the ceiling. I tried to get myself up so I would be awake and alert. I took a Motrin with a single Ritz cracker and some water. And I prayed. The last time I had seen Mark he had held me and had run his fingers through my hair. It seemed unreal, like it was years ago, and I was actually surprised that it didn't make me sad to think about it. I couldn't help but wonder what I would say if he ever wanted me to take him back; I knew instantly that I would have no problem saying no.

That's when I realized I was completely over it all. It was sort of wonderful to think of how detached I felt, how completely unscathed and in control I was. There was a soft knock on the door. I was still nervous, but it was only because I hadn't seen him in so long.

I could tell right off he was upset. When we got in the car, he seemed like he was having trouble speaking. So I chattered. I tried to create a light feeling so that he would know I was okay with seeing him and to get him to relax. We stopped at Taco Bell to get him something caffeinated, and then we just drove.

We drove for hours. He confessed his problems and worries, little by little, with me going on various tangents in between. We drove up the canyon for a while, and we parked at Y-mount for a while too. There was some laughter as we remembered random things we had done, or as I nearly killed us with my California driving. I didn't say a whole lot when he was talking though. I got the feeling that he didn't want advice, just someone to listen. So I did.

Some of the things he told me should have hurt me or upset me. Strangely enough, they didn't. I felt incredibly calm the entire night, almost serene, as I just listened. It was amazing to me--we really were just two good friends, just like old times. I thought it would be hard to be around him, but I honestly had zero romantic feelings for him. And that's exactly what I wanted. Just to be comfortable with him, just to be able to talk like we used to.

So I did what I do best--I listened. It's one thing I've found I'm really good at when it comes to friendship, and I was more than happy to be able to offer that to Mark.

I felt bad for his predicament, and the solution seemed pretty obvious to me, but I didn't tell him that. He knows what's right. He didn't need to hear it from me. And it's his choice. I didn't want to influence what should be his choice, and his choice only. I sent him an email today offering advice, but again, it's really not my call. I was just there to listen.

We went to Denny's around 4:30 am, and I could tell he was doing much better. I was getting tired, but I wasn't about to admit it. We ate a little bit and made small talk with the waiter. Mark thanked me for seeing him and listening.

As we neared my house to finally call it a night, we were both pretty quiet. Then he just said, "Natalie, I'm so sorry." I knew he really meant it, that he was sorry for everything that had happened, and though I had known that before, it meant a lot to hear it out loud.

He thanked me again for listening, and I told him I'd be glad to listen any time. I thought about giving him a hug, but he didn't seem to expect it, and I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, so I refrained.

He rode off on his bike, and I slid into bed, thanking God for everything that had just happened. Talking to Mark had been really good for me, and it proved to me that things really can just go back to normal. I said a quick prayer for Mark, and after a couple more text messages with him, I fell asleep.

Julie didn't bother me, even though I didn't get up until around 12:30 pm. I could tell she had been waiting around, wondering how things had gone; she must have been pretty nervous. We talked for a long time before I finally took a shower. Later, as we took a walk to the park, she mentioned that she hoped Mark didn't think she still was mad at her. It made me glad that she understood.

And now it's really late, and this is probably the longest post I've ever written. Good thing I don't have many readers. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally install a stat-counter on here. Maybe.