Slight irritation

Peter's girlfriend continues to make a fuss about me. I understand she was upset at him for not telling her about me (and vice versa). I really can't blame her. But come on. Get over it. Peter and I never even did anything. We went out to lunch a few times. We hung out (usually with other people present). And yet she still nags about it.

I can't even go over to their house, which is annoying. Peter hasn't emailed or text me since he got to Provo, which is more annoying because he's my friend and suddenly we're not "allowed" to so much as say hello to each other without her freaking out.

And she nags Mark for hanging out with me, which just puts the icing on the cake. She has no idea how hard it was for me! How it still is hard for me sometimes. She doesn't know how, when I was still recovering, when I should have still been angry, I was there for Mark because I care about him. She doesn't know that Mark and I, though we've come really far and are nearly back to "normal," still feel awkward sometimes, and that we're trying to get past that.

Okay so I've never met the girl. I keep telling myself I should be more understanding, less quick to judge, that I should give her a chance. But I don't know how to do that because she isn't giving me a chance.

It doesn't help that absolutely none of this was my fault. And I'm the one suffering for it. I hate to sound the martyr, but that's the way it is. Once again, I do nothing wrong, and I'm paying for it.

Slightly irritating.

1:33 am

I should be sleeping, but I felt like posting.

I don't even know what about.

I wish I could get inside his head. Sometimes I'm just dying to know what he's thinking about.

Later I will ask him what he's thinking. I still don't know about what. Maybe why he had to wonder why I'm still friends with him.

Maybe I'm not the only one who's too hard on herself.

I went in complete circles in that last post

I don't know why I'm suddenly eager to analyze my personality and behaviors. I guess boredom just lends itself to negative thoughts, and then I just want to know where they're coming from.

I read a post by Samantha today. I've only met her twice in person, but I absolutely adore her. Her blog is one of my all-time favorites.

Anywho, she's been diagnosed with what's called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and she often uses her blog to work through her feelings of inadequacy and fear. She posted something really interesting today(italics=her counselor):

I don't know. Truthfully, I don't see how it can work. Ever. At some point everyone's bound to discover that the person he/she thought I was doesn't exist. Instead they'll be left with the circus freak who has toys glued to her torso, who can't function as a real person because she has no idea how.

You don't believe any of the people you love really know you?

I don't know. Maybe they do. But I don't understand why, if they know me, they would stick around. I wouldn't. I'd see how dangerously needy I am and I'd run away at the first opportunity.

So if you cut yourself off, you relieve them of the responsibility of doing it themselves. You control how and when they'll leave. You put yourself in control by taking away from yourself the very thing you need.

Okay, so I'm really not even close to being like this--I don't think like this at all. But it made me wonder if the reason I'm sometimes insecure in my relationships is because I'm not in control. I don't like feeling that the other person could abandon me at any time--I want to feel like they need me.

I mentioned to Mark once that I had felt like I had the upper hand in our relationship; that he had cared for me more than I had cared about him. He said he felt that way too, and he didn't like it. Of course he didn't like it. But for once, I had control over the relationship; for once, I wasn't afraid he would just lose interest and walk away. He wouldn't leave me because he cared about me too much. And if our relationship did fall apart, I wouldn't be the one to get hurt, because I hadn't invested as much as he had.

Pretty selfish and cruel huh? Obviously it ended up blowing up in my face. By the time I let myself really care about him, I was off to California, he got a girlfriend, and I ended up getting hurt anyway. Not one of my better plans.

I guess the lesson here is just that I need to stop being so scared of getting hurt. Of course I'm going to get hurt, probably several times. I need to take some risks, make myself vulnerable, and just know that if things don't work out it's not because I didn't try. Relationships are supposed to be mutual--no one should have the "upper hand." So I have to go into it knowing that the other person may abandon me.

Easier said than done I suppose.

More thinking

I'm too hard on myself most of the time. It's not a question.

I've thought about this before, trying to find the cause, but it always escapes me. I remember being in the first grade, beating myself up because I had been scolded. I had only been scolded for carelessness--it was an accident really--but the fact that I had been the cause of the teacher's irritation really bothered me.

Reasons? 1) I had always been a good child that didn't get into trouble. The fact that I had caused trouble, no matter how minor, was inconsistent with my normal behavior. 2) I really liked my teacher and didn't ever want to cause her discomfort; and yet, I had just done so.

Reason number two has more weight, and it continues to be the main reason I beat myself up over things. I don't like upsetting/annoying/angering/hurting people I care about. It bothers me to no end.

This brings up a new question: Why does it bother me so much?

In some cases, it bothers me because I'm already insecure in the relationship. If I mess up, I'm afraid it will affect the relationship negatively.

My insecurity in relationships is another manifestation of being hard on myself--I sometimes think people are in relationships with me not because I have anything to offer, but simply because they are nice people.

Again, irrational.

Back to why I don't like to upset people. I think I invest a lot in relationships. I have a lot of really close friends, and they are people that I love almost more than myself. When someone becomes a dear friend, I really care and worry about them, probably more than is normal. I usually develop a hero complex for these people, where I want to anything in my power to save them from pain and discomfort. So when I'm the one that causes someone pain/discomfort/annoyance/whatever, I get really upset with myself.

I don't know if that makes sense at all.

Maybe I'm just a perfectionist. Goes well with my slight OCD.

More later I suppose.

Introverting

I still can't believe how quickly things change-- Mark and I were practically dating, and then in one night it was over; I was so mad at him and then so willing to just let it all go in just a matter of days; mostly, the hurt that I felt when I thought about him melted into mere amusement in only what? a week?

We really did do a lot of random things. It makes me smile, sometimes even laugh, to think of the nights we drove to Walmart, or stayed up late watching some sitcom or another, or just talked about everything and nothing in particular. It even makes me smile to think about that night we went camping, or my last day in Provo.

I sort of wonder why. Why it doesn't hurt anymore, why I'm not sad things didn't work out...

And that's not all I wonder. I still find it unfathomable that he wanted me. I guess that sounds like I have zero self-esteem, but that's not it at all. I look at myself in the mirror and I know I'm pretty, beautiful even. I can see it. And I know I'm funny and that I'm a good friend.

The problem is, I've been wanted by so few people that I think maybe it's gotten to me. I've never been able to understand why I can't seem to have success in the romance department; the only conclusion I can come to is that there is something about myself that repels men, and I have no idea what.

When Mark told me he "liked" me, even though I had already suspected it, it was sort of surprising. I couldn't believe I was the object of his thoughts, that he found me attractive enough to do something about it. It just hadn't happened so smoothly before and it really caught me off-guard.

Even now, I can't completely understand. I know I'm attractive, but I can't believe I was attractive to a specific person. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, there was a guy that cared about you and wanted you.

Of course it's utter nonsense that I think these things. There's no doubt that he was attracted to me and wanted to date me. And I take comfort knowing that, now that it's happened once, it's bound to happen again, if only in the distant future.

I guess I just can't see it from his perspective. I'm so used to wanting people that don't want me--it was odd to have the roles reversed, and I'm still perplexed.

Anywho, I realize I totally abandoned my first quandary in favor of this tangent, but now I'm going to watch Seinfeld with Julie. More of my incredibly nonsensical-but-seemingly-philosophical thoughts later.

Oh yeah

And things are cool with that kid I pranked. He called and apologized for getting mad. Just fyi.

I haven't been explaining myself

I was looking back at some of these posts and realized I haven't been segue-ing very well. Mostly just that I've been leaving out chunks of the story. Not that it matters--I have probably no more than two readers on this blog, one of whom knows the story intimately...I really need to install a stat-counter on here. So lazy.

So Mark and I talked online that night, and I received answers to all of my questions. I would post the conversation, but I don't think it's necessary. It would take a lot of effort to change our screen names and frankly, after what happened last night, it doesn't really matter.

What happened--as if it were some extraordinary event. Well I suppose I should just start from the beginning. *Deep breath.* This is going to be long.

After my conversation online with Mark, I felt...better. Some parts of the conversation reopened wounds and made me even more mad, at both myself and him, but it was still good to talk about everything. He insisted I be brutally honest, and he took the few snide comments I made without complaint. I wasn't really mean though, and by the end of the conversation it was clear we could keep some semblance of our friendship.

I was mostly satiated, but I told him I didn't want to see him for a while, even when I got back to Provo. He understood, and after forming some minor rules about contacting each other, we said goodnight.

Of course I was still a little upset. But I was tired of being angry. The little things that bothered me weren't worth dwelling on, and I decided that I would just let it all go and try to be his friend. So things got easier now that I knew that he had been hurting too; there were, of course, little things that poked at me every now and then, but I was certainly getting better.

We chatted a few times online that week, and it was like old times, just a little more tenacious. He even text me the night before I came back to Provo.

I explained to Julie, Charlie, and Mike that I was back on good terms with Mark and that we were trying to still be friends. Charlie and Mike didn't seemed thrilled with the idea--they were still angry with Mark--but when I told them that's what I wanted, they suppressed their comments and respected my decision. Julie was certainly more understanding, being the only person who knew all of the details of the situation. Charlie and Mike only knew the gist of it, and Collin knew even less. But Julie knew everything, and could even empathize with me. She just warned me to be careful--not because I would do anything stupid, but because I could get hurt again. But she was very supportive.

Fast forward to yesterday. Mark text me in the morning, welcoming me back to Provo and asking if I got settled in. I replied that I had, and that I had a lunch date later in the day (unfortunately, it was with a guy that already has a girlfriend, but I wanted to slip it in there anyway to make me feel good about myself. ha). We chatted about breakfast and some song he downloaded. Then he suggested I stop by the drive-through where he works.

I'm not going to lie, it made me laugh, and I was sorely tempted to accept his invitation. Alas, I declined, for several reasons. Firstly, I didn't think I would have time because I had already promised to take Julie desk shopping, and then I had my lunch "date." Secondly, I really just haven't been eating well lately, and fast-food sounded painful. Thirdly, I was pretty sure I was ready to see him, but I wasn't positive. I did, however, make a resolution to stop by his work before the week was over.

Last night, I'm chewing the fat with Julie as she unpacks, and Mark texts me again: "I have [effed] up my life." This wasn't the first time he had sent me a text to that effect, so I simply replied, "Do you want to talk?" He explained that he knew I didn't want to see him, but he really needed someone to talk to. I suggested we do it over the phone and it was a no go. I voiced my thoughts to Julie, who agreed with my assessment of the situation: I had every right to say no, but if I really want to be friends with him, shouldn't I be there when he needs me?

Julie asked if I was ready to see him. I said I've been ready for a couple of days, just hesitant. She shrugged and said that it was my decision. I replied to Mark that I would see him, and we figured out the how and where.

Then I waited. I read for a bit, getting more and more nervous by the minute. I actually fell into a fitful slumber for about a half hour, then just stared at the ceiling. I tried to get myself up so I would be awake and alert. I took a Motrin with a single Ritz cracker and some water. And I prayed. The last time I had seen Mark he had held me and had run his fingers through my hair. It seemed unreal, like it was years ago, and I was actually surprised that it didn't make me sad to think about it. I couldn't help but wonder what I would say if he ever wanted me to take him back; I knew instantly that I would have no problem saying no.

That's when I realized I was completely over it all. It was sort of wonderful to think of how detached I felt, how completely unscathed and in control I was. There was a soft knock on the door. I was still nervous, but it was only because I hadn't seen him in so long.

I could tell right off he was upset. When we got in the car, he seemed like he was having trouble speaking. So I chattered. I tried to create a light feeling so that he would know I was okay with seeing him and to get him to relax. We stopped at Taco Bell to get him something caffeinated, and then we just drove.

We drove for hours. He confessed his problems and worries, little by little, with me going on various tangents in between. We drove up the canyon for a while, and we parked at Y-mount for a while too. There was some laughter as we remembered random things we had done, or as I nearly killed us with my California driving. I didn't say a whole lot when he was talking though. I got the feeling that he didn't want advice, just someone to listen. So I did.

Some of the things he told me should have hurt me or upset me. Strangely enough, they didn't. I felt incredibly calm the entire night, almost serene, as I just listened. It was amazing to me--we really were just two good friends, just like old times. I thought it would be hard to be around him, but I honestly had zero romantic feelings for him. And that's exactly what I wanted. Just to be comfortable with him, just to be able to talk like we used to.

So I did what I do best--I listened. It's one thing I've found I'm really good at when it comes to friendship, and I was more than happy to be able to offer that to Mark.

I felt bad for his predicament, and the solution seemed pretty obvious to me, but I didn't tell him that. He knows what's right. He didn't need to hear it from me. And it's his choice. I didn't want to influence what should be his choice, and his choice only. I sent him an email today offering advice, but again, it's really not my call. I was just there to listen.

We went to Denny's around 4:30 am, and I could tell he was doing much better. I was getting tired, but I wasn't about to admit it. We ate a little bit and made small talk with the waiter. Mark thanked me for seeing him and listening.

As we neared my house to finally call it a night, we were both pretty quiet. Then he just said, "Natalie, I'm so sorry." I knew he really meant it, that he was sorry for everything that had happened, and though I had known that before, it meant a lot to hear it out loud.

He thanked me again for listening, and I told him I'd be glad to listen any time. I thought about giving him a hug, but he didn't seem to expect it, and I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, so I refrained.

He rode off on his bike, and I slid into bed, thanking God for everything that had just happened. Talking to Mark had been really good for me, and it proved to me that things really can just go back to normal. I said a quick prayer for Mark, and after a couple more text messages with him, I fell asleep.

Julie didn't bother me, even though I didn't get up until around 12:30 pm. I could tell she had been waiting around, wondering how things had gone; she must have been pretty nervous. We talked for a long time before I finally took a shower. Later, as we took a walk to the park, she mentioned that she hoped Mark didn't think she still was mad at her. It made me glad that she understood.

And now it's really late, and this is probably the longest post I've ever written. Good thing I don't have many readers. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally install a stat-counter on here. Maybe.

Little things

Julie and I tried to pull an innocent prank last night on a dear friend. It was meant only to make him laugh, and we made sure it would take him no more than a minute to clean it up. It really upset him though and he sent me an email saying so. He was very kind and just told me how he felt, but it made me feel really ashamed of myself at first, and then sort of angry.

The anger is only slightly directed at him--only because I've asked him to be straightforward with me before and he hasn't. It's mostly anger directed at the situation; I hate it when people are upset with me.

It's really the worst feeling in the world. Thinking that I did something to upset or harm someone, or that there's something wrong with me that would annoy them, makes me feel like absolute garbage. I'm a likable person. Until someone gets mad at me--then I feel like I don't deserve friends.

Partly it's because my plan totally backfired--a plan to make someone smile actually made someone angry. He had a good point I suppose, but I can't help but think that if he had done it to me I would have laughed. So where did I miscalculate?

I guess I just don't know him as well as I thought I did. He takes little things a bit more seriously than I do I suppose. I just hate to think that his opinion of me has lowered because of this.

Also, I'm just not secure enough in some of my friendships. A lot of times I think people are just my friends because they are nice, and not because I'm cool. So when they get upset or annoyed with me, I feel like it's just because I'm a naturally annoying person and that I'm burdening them with my friendship. I know it's not logical, but I can't help it, and it's probably one of things I struggle with the most in life.

And then I'm just mad that he couldn't just be a normal person and laugh at it. It was a completely harmless prank, easy to clean up, and obviously meant to be funny. So why can't he just laugh?

Whatever. I will never for the life of me be able to date that kid. I just don't understand him at all. I sent him a nice apology back and Julie and I made him cookies.

In other news, I made it to Provo. It was fun for the first two days, but then today was sort of boring. I want to get our kitchen and front room cleaned up, but I can't until this girl moves the rest of her stuff out. And our carpets were cleaned so there is stuff piled on my bed. And Julie has cramps and probably wouldn't want to do anything even if we had someone to hang out with.

I haven't seen Charlie yet, which isn't like him. That hurts a little bit--that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to see him. And Brian hasn't attempted to see us yet either. We called him a few times, but he's been busy, not to mention he's randomly going to Vegas tomorrow. So that's great.

Mike is the only one that has been absolutely wonderful--he begged me to visit him at work Saturday night, which I did. He gave me one of the most amazing hugs I've ever had, and then we spent all day together yesterday, and we chatted on the phone last night. Unfortunately he went to Salt Lake today so I didn't get to see him.

Also, I think I'm almost ready to see Mark. I just don't think it's going to bother me that much. What I'm worried about is feeling awkward. It's not like I can just pretend things are back to "normal" because they aren't. But I also don't think there's anything else we need to talk out. So what are we going to talk about when we see each other?

Not only that, but what are we going to do? Nothing one-on-one of course. Julie will most likely be keeping me company. But I can't do a huge group thing either because most of my friends would just be rude to Mark, even though I explained that we're on good terms now. I don't want to do lunch or anything because that requires too much direct conversation. Maybe we could just watch Arrested Development at my apartment or something. I don't know. This is way too complicated. I almost hope I just run into him on campus because that would be so much easier.

Meh. Coming back to Provo was good, but I'm actually looking forward for school to start. I've been sitting around all summer, and now I'm still sitting around. Sitting around is not good. I like to keep busy.

I suppose I'll just read some books. Go to the park maybe.

Note to self

So Mark only deleted me on Facebook because he thought that's what I wanted--to never speak to him again. That post where I told him to "get the hell off this page" (that is now only in draft form because it wasn't very nice) made him think I was finished with him. Valid response, for sure. He just forgot that whenever I get mad I always regret it later.

We're supposed to talk tonight. Maybe.

I'm too nice. It always happens--I let people off easy. So I'm going to post some reminders here: questions I have for him.

1. How long did you keep this from me?
2. Was it the same girl as last time?
3. Why weren't you just honest about it like you were last time?
4. How, after all that stuff about waiting for me and wanting to do all the things we had talked about doing, did you suddenly want to date some girl that I knew nothing about?
5. You said you wanted to wait until you were temple worthy to date me; why was she different?

Okay. So I just want answers to these questions. There's definitely a possibility for me to get mad again but I think I deserve these answers. After the week I just went through, with that constant stomach-ache and even forgetting what year it was, I deserve answers.

I'm going to try to be nice though. I don't think it's worth it to make things harder than they are. And it's just not in my nature. I'll regret it later.

Blah things could have gone so much smoother. Let's hope they go smoothly from here on out.

Time

I'm doing better.

I told Peter everything and he was very sympathetic. He's going to be living with Mark this year; it was strangely comforting to know that Peter understood my side of the story. He insisted this wasn't my fault. Unfortunately, Peter's girlfriend hates [the idea of] me so I probably won't be able to see him much. He promised we could secretly hang out sometime. Haha.

There are other things that have helped me too. Like being around old friends, going to church, and my impending return to Provo. I have so many amazing friends there, and I'm really looking forward to meeting new ones. I've made up my mind--I'm going to be aggressive in my attempts to make new friends--I'm going to be social and try to be friends with as many people as possible. I want to go on dates and possibly find a guy to date. As much as I love it here, I don't feel like my life is progressing. I'm done with vacation; it's time to get back to work and fun and college life.

I'm gaining back my strength, and my anger is gone. I still feel sad sometimes when I think about Mark, but each day it hurts less and less. I know I'm above all this, and I know I'm in control. Life keeps going. I've been hurt before, and I'm bound to get hurt again. I guess I just wish things had gone more smoothly.

Things are turning around. I'm getting my hair cut and colored today (it's about freaking time), then I'm hanging out with Pete (not Peter) tomorrow, then Julie is flying in on Wednesday. Saturday I return to Provo, and I'll get to see Charlie again.

I had wanted to finish my other blog this summer--the one about Charlie and I--but that hasn't happened. I just have to be in the right mood for that. I'm not too worried though. I will finish it eventually.

Things always work out in the end.

What now

Mark has a girlfriend. And I have no explanation.

I sort of wonder how this all affected him. If it did at all.

And now I'm re-evaluating this blog. It began as a place to vent and explore my unhealthy thoughts. Then it developed into a place to just be completely honest and emotional. I have another blog--one that is not anonymous--so I can't be as candid on that one. Too many people know me. Here, it's just me, and my one mystery reader that left a comment. I really need to install a statcounter on here because I'm curious now...

But I digress. This blog was supposed to be a journal for me, in a very real sense. But I feel suddenly like most of these posts have been about Mark.

Do I really want to go back and read all of these things again? Do I want to remember how mad I was? Or should I just delete them and start over? I've deleted posts before--ones that I knew were just me venting steam and weren't really necessary for me to read again. But what if I want to review this experience someday? I know it won't be any time soon, but...in the future maybe?

I just feel like this blog was really becoming a good record. And now it seems like that record has been all for nothing... Mark is no longer a part of my life, and it seems that our friendship was all for nothing.

That's what makes me the saddest. My anger has been waning for the past two days, and now I'm just sad that this ended so badly. We had so much fun together.

I'm rambling again. It's late, which is why my thoughts are muddled. I think clearer during the day.

A not-quite-as-rough-but-nearly-as-unnerving night

I know I worry too much. I've always been that way. But I know there is a point where my worries become valid--a point where I should actually take myself seriously and confront the situation rather than telling myself I'm just being silly.

I have no idea when that point of validation is. I have no idea how long I'm supposed to wait out the problem.

On top of that, I still smell like popcorn from work yesterday.

On top of that, I had a dream last night. It was about my grandpa (mom's side). The dream wasn't bad in any way--it ended surprisingly well--but I woke up feeling extremely guilty. I haven't seen my grandparents in over a year. At Christmastime I chose to go to San Francisco with my choir buddies rather than visit my grandparents with my family. And then my grandparents sold their house in the bay area and moved to southern Utah. Grandpa's health has been steadily deteriorating and it really could be any day now that he goes. My dream reminded me that I haven't communicated with them in a long time.

I think I'll write them a letter.

But I'm still worrying.