Musings

I got scared again. That hasn't happened in a while, and I'm not quite sure what caused it this time. I was waiting for Mark to call and I think it just reminded me of all the times Austin left me waiting, disappointed, and hurt. Mark of course did not leave me waiting, but even after speaking to him for a brief moment, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was setting myself up to be disappointed. It was completely irrational--Mark has treated me like a queen--and I think I attribute most of the feeling to the heat and my exhaustion.

My thoughts? Oh the usual. Why make myself vulnerable by trusting a guy, when all he's going to do is hurt me?; what makes me think things will work out this time when they've never worked out before?; why does he care about me in the first place when no one else seems to have been able to?; is there something inherently wrong with me?; why do I let myself think these ridiculous thoughts when I know they aren't helping and that they are unfounded?

That's part of why I like being single so much--my happiness has very little dependence on anyone but myself. I'm not as vulnerable when I'm not tied to someone else.

He text me and we talked a little bit about it. I told him the truth--I lack confidence in relationships.

Mostly because I lack experience. Mostly because no one has bothered to try having a real relationship with me before, as though I'm undesirable. In fact, that has been one of the biggest mysteries to me. I've been told by loads of people how I'm talented, smart, funny, beautiful, and all sorts of other crap that should attract guys from miles around. And yet. Here I am. Never having had a boyfriend. Rarely getting asked out on dates.

And then there's Mark. I suppose he's just what I've been looking for--a straight man who displays many of the characteristics that I so cherish in my gay friends, like sensitivity, honesty, respect for women, an interest in artsy things, etc.--who happens to be crazy about me too. But every now and then I'm still scared. Scared that I'll hurt him, or that he'll hurt me; ultimately scared that I will regret this decision later.

Of the many things Charlie has done for me, he taught me to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone. From that, I've come to realize that usually if I'm scared to do something, it is the right thing to do, and that if I don't do it, I will regret it later. I have yet to regret taking these risks, as scared as I might be, in little things, and in bigger things. I see no reason why I shouldn't apply this here--I'm taking a bit of a risk by attaching myself to Mark and making myself vulnerable, but if I don't take that risk I'll most likely regret it later.

I don't know why that comforts me, knowing that I'm taking a risk. Maybe because all of the other ones have worked out so well. I'm really looking forward to my return to Provo. This time away from Mark has definitely strengthened our relationship, but I miss him.

Plus, I've always been up for a challenge.