Frustrated

So that's how it all started. This whole situation with Mark.

The week following our little DTR at Wendy's was sort of long. I couldn't help but feel like I had made the wrong choice. For some reason, I really wanted to date Mark, but I couldn't decide if I wanted it for the wrong reasons.

I talked to Elizabeth and she warned me about the dangers of dating someone just to have a cuddle buddy. Of course I already knew that; what I didn't know was if that was how I felt about Mark, or if I actually wanted to date him for the right reasons. Julie pointed out that if I'm not sure about my reasoning, it probably isn't good.

I can't say I disagreed with that assessment. But there was one minor flaw in that theory. Normally, if I don't "like" a guy, I will avoid any romantic physical contact with him. This wasn't the case with Mark. I had enjoyed holding hands with him. It had felt good to have his arms around me. And as the week progressed, I wanted to be close to him.

Char and her boyfriend were in town that Saturday and wanted to hang out. I didn't want to be the third wheel, so I invited Mark to come with us. We watched Seinfeld at my house, went to the mall, visited some people, and then finished the night with a movie. The whole time it felt like Mark and I were a couple, and I really liked that feeling. I wanted to sit close to him on the couch. I was tempted to put my hand on his knee. But I kept telling myself that it was all in my head; that I wanted it for the wrong reasons; that I had already made my decision to break his heart; etc...

Another week went by, basically the same--I kept hoping he would ignore what I had said at Wendy's and that he would take my hand and make the decision for me. But he didn't. He kept it strictly platonic, just like he said he would. And I continued to grow even more irritated with myself for not understanding what I was feeling.