My dearest friend,
You're 800 miles away, and yet you've really been a huge support for me today. You were encouraging and reassuring about the Mark situation, your package came (I'm actually really glad it came today instead of Friday--I needed it today), and then as I was literally crying my eyes out I find this wonderful email from you and it really helped to calm me down. You said I was sent to you, but I really think we were sent to each other because you have been such an amazing friend to me. Blast. Here come the tears again. I'm so emotional right now--a huge mess. It really makes me so grateful to have wonderful friends like you, and Julie, and Charlie, and everyone else. I posted one line on my blog last night--something about how I messed up and I just want to go home. Both Brian and Mike made me tell them what happened and it really made me feel good to know they cared so much. Maybe my friends have "dramatic" lives, but I'm overly emotional about my semi-dramatic life and you guys are still so fantastic to me. I don't even know why I'm so upset about this whole thing. I mean, Mark is the one that's hurting (and I can tell he's hurting) and it makes me so upset that I was the cause. I think I'm sort of mad at a lot of aspects of the whole situation and it's all combined to make me emotional, upset, distracted, stressed, and socially boring.
I suppose I should answer your email first and then tell you the entire story.
I had a fun birthday. Not the funnest one I've ever had, but it was enjoyable and I wasn't disappointed. We all watched a movie and ate cake after dinner. Charlie and I are supposedly going on our date this Wednesday as his birthday present. And really, as much as I love being with all the guys, I think it would have been 100 times better if you and Julie had been there. I thought about you two the whole night.
I'm glad Popsicle is doing well. I honestly haven't talked to her in a long time and I feel guilty about it. But I feel better knowing she has you to talk to.
Nothing has happened with Collin. He's a really great guy that I'm actually attracted to but I sort of doubt anything will happen, especially now that this Mark conflict has arisen. Right now I don't really want to think about romance. I hate romance right now. I want nothing to do with it.
Sorry. That's the emotions talking. I really am flattered that Shannon and your mother have said such nice things about me. Really, it does me good to hear that. I can't say I'm seeing it fulfilled in many ways, but it still does me good to hear that. I think they underestimate your attractiveness though. You are just as gorgeous and cool as me, if not even more so. I was talking to Brian about you and he was just laughing and saying how cool you were and how he should text you and stuff. So don't think I'm the only hot one. Sorry to disappoint your mom's predictions of my impending marriage though.
Every one of those friends you mentioned has given more back to me than I've given to them. I suppose God sent us all to each other. I know I'm grateful for that.
So. The story. Friday night, while we were watching the movie, Mark patted my head or something and I joked that he should play with my hair. And he said he loves playing with hair so he did. The entire movie. And he was really good. So I didn't complain. It was nice.
Saturday, I decided to go to Kohl's in AF and I wanted someone to come so I asked Mark. He said of course, so we went, and we talked and just had a great time. I had been suspicious of him liking me for quite some time, but I still wasn't positive. Now I realize why he was so willing to run errands with me and stuff.
Saturday night a bunch of us went camping. Collin, Charlie, Jay, Mark, Charity, Me, Archy, and Brian. I told you I ended up between Mark and Collin, without actually trying. That was cool. Seven of us were in a four-person tent, so it was pretty cozy. Mark was surprisingly really cool about having to sleep so close to a pile of gay guys.
I didn't really sleep much at all, and finally I was to the point where I was just laying there uncomfortably staring at the tent ceiling. Mark was awake too and we checked the time: 5:30 am. Ugh. We both voiced how uncomfortable it was and how someone had been snoring, etc. Mark decided to readjust positions--I ended up using his arm as a pillow, and then he just put his other arm around me. It actually WAS more comfortable that way, and I said so. He said good, and that he had been afraid that I would be awkward if he put his arm over me. I said no because the entire tent situation was already awkward so having his arm around me was nothing.
I had one hand on his arm, and the other was underneath his hand cuz it was cold. It wasn't long before he started really slowly to caress that hand a little bit. I was really tired and cold and didn't mind, so I just let him. Somehow it evolved to the point that both hands were being held and caressed and I found myself doing the same to him. I was on my side with my back to him, and he pulled me in really close to him with his arms around me.
I'm not going to lie--it was exhilarating. I kept thinking that I shouldn't be doing this, that I don't even like Mark, that I was going to regret this later, but I was enjoying it so much that I just ignored my rational thoughts and enjoyed it.
Collin finally left the tent, and I soon followed. I sat by the fire and I was terrified. I knew I had just done something bad and I had no idea what to do about it. I was quite frightened and so I stayed away from Mark the rest of the morning, which was probably hurtful for him.
On the ride back, we were in the back seat of Charlie's truck. He had his arm across the seat, and when I leaned in to show him some pictures on my phone, he put his arm around me. He made an observation about how messy my hair was and started gently playing with it. He also really likes ears, so he'd delicately massage my ears too. It felt really nice.
I was distracted the rest of the day, but somehow I was a good enough actress to not let anyone know. After my grandparents house, I talked to Julie for several hours. I talked to Charlie that night too. I knew I didn't like Mark in the way I usually like guys, but I wanted to so bad. He's so much fun to be around, he's wonderful to talk to, he's sensitive and kind, he's an active member of the Church, he has all the same interests as me, I never get sick of being around him...And yet I'm just not feeling "gaga" about him. I was also worried about the Peter situation. And I'm going home soon. So I had no idea what to do.
I was able to sleep though, and I overslept. I really didn't want to do anything, especially go to class. But I had to. So I barely made it on time, and paid enough attention to take some notes. I knew I had to talk to Mark soon, but I didn't want to do it at all. I text-ed him, "You and I need to DTR." We figured out when, and then I continued to be frightened and nervous as I texted you the situation.
When he came over I felt so awkward. I didn't know what to say to him or how to treat him. He acted normal so we basically just chatted for a long time, both of us trying to put it off. Finally he said, "So....you text-ed me today...."
Me: Yeah...
Mark: I haven't really done this before....
Me: Me neither...It's sort of awkward.
Mark: Sort of.
We picked up our garbage and left Wendy's. As we're walking to my car:
Mark: So...I like you. There. I like you. And I'd like to date you, but I know you have crushes on other guys. So I've been fine with just being your friend.
Me: I'm not going to lie--If someone has asked me three days ago if I had a crush on you, I would have said no.
I could tell that hurt him.
Me: I COULD date you, and it wouldn't be awkward at all. I mean, you're awesome, and I love spending time with you, and I never get sick of you, but it wouldn't be fair for me to make the decision that we date.
Mark: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that if I say we should date, it's just because I think it would be fun, which is selfish. Also, what if I still like Peter in the fall? That's not fair to you.
Mark: Yeah I thought about that too. And you're going home in two weeks.
Me: Yes, that's another thing. So I suppose we could date right now, or we could wait and see how things are in the fall.
Mark: Well I hate long distance relationships.
Me: Yeah me too.
Mark: So let's not date right now and see what happens in the fall.
Me: Good idea.
[Pause]
Mark: I'm glad that's over with.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't want to do that.
Mark: I wanted to call you so many times yesterday.
Me: That's why I didn't want to put this off.
Mark: Yeah. So you aren't going to be awkward now are you?
Me: No no way.
Mark: Good. Give me a call and we'll hang out.
And then he left for work.
I wanted to give him a hug, but there was no time for it as he was leaving. He seemed like he just wanted to get out of there. I can't blame him. I could tell he was really sad, but he put on a good face and tried to joke and make it all right.
I went over to Mike's house and spilled everything. Then I went and got ice cream.
I went to FHE at the Matises house with all the gay people. It was incredible. The speaker was great, and everyone there was so kind and loving and accepting. I was really glad that Charlie came too. And it was really good for me--for a little while I forgot my dramatic life and I was social and bubbly and quite charming as I went around and met a bunch of people. It was so good for me--just what I needed.
We went to Archy's house after and just sat around talking. It was great fun for a bit, but then I started to think more and more about the Mark situation and I became antisocial. I then suddenly realized that my car was at Charlie's house and that it was going to get booted. We went over there, and sure enough, there was a nice little red boot on my car. Red is SO not her color. It's funny because Charlie, Brian, and Archy were all saying how sorry they were and how they felt bad about it and stuff, and I didn't even care. It was just something to add on to my day. I was just beyond caring, and I shrugged it off.
Archy took me home and I thanked him. I felt bad because I had been so antisocial and they were probably all worried about me but whatever. I got ready for bed and I really wanted to read this really cynical book called The Bell Jar, but I realized I had left it in my car. So I got online instead. No one was on, which was good cuz I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I had received six comments on my blog, which was really nice to see that people cared and offered to talk to me or help me if I needed anything. And then I found your email which really helped a lot. Charlie texted me and told me he'd help me take care of the boot on my car the next day. And he said he loved me. I told him not to help me pay for it, but I asked if I could spend the day with him. He said of course and that he loved me again.
By this time I'm crying and going through tissues like crazy. Haha. Your email helped me a lot. It's now morning time and Charlie's actually here as I type this. I'm feeling better because I slept forever and God was kind enough to send me dreams of playing bells and stuff that didn't have to do with Mark. And now we're going to go get Smart Cookie. I think I'm snapping out of it so I'll be okay. I just hope Mark isn't too down about it. I texted him last night and he seemed sad. Poor guy. I feel really bad about it.
But life must go on. It will be okay.
Thanks so much for saving my life like 80 times. I love you so much and hope that your life is less dramatic than mine. Haha. I can't wait to see you.
And thanks again for your present. It really helped.
Muah.
Love, Natalie
You're 800 miles away, and yet you've really been a huge support for me today. You were encouraging and reassuring about the Mark situation, your package came (I'm actually really glad it came today instead of Friday--I needed it today), and then as I was literally crying my eyes out I find this wonderful email from you and it really helped to calm me down. You said I was sent to you, but I really think we were sent to each other because you have been such an amazing friend to me. Blast. Here come the tears again. I'm so emotional right now--a huge mess. It really makes me so grateful to have wonderful friends like you, and Julie, and Charlie, and everyone else. I posted one line on my blog last night--something about how I messed up and I just want to go home. Both Brian and Mike made me tell them what happened and it really made me feel good to know they cared so much. Maybe my friends have "dramatic" lives, but I'm overly emotional about my semi-dramatic life and you guys are still so fantastic to me. I don't even know why I'm so upset about this whole thing. I mean, Mark is the one that's hurting (and I can tell he's hurting) and it makes me so upset that I was the cause. I think I'm sort of mad at a lot of aspects of the whole situation and it's all combined to make me emotional, upset, distracted, stressed, and socially boring.
I suppose I should answer your email first and then tell you the entire story.
I had a fun birthday. Not the funnest one I've ever had, but it was enjoyable and I wasn't disappointed. We all watched a movie and ate cake after dinner. Charlie and I are supposedly going on our date this Wednesday as his birthday present. And really, as much as I love being with all the guys, I think it would have been 100 times better if you and Julie had been there. I thought about you two the whole night.
I'm glad Popsicle is doing well. I honestly haven't talked to her in a long time and I feel guilty about it. But I feel better knowing she has you to talk to.
Nothing has happened with Collin. He's a really great guy that I'm actually attracted to but I sort of doubt anything will happen, especially now that this Mark conflict has arisen. Right now I don't really want to think about romance. I hate romance right now. I want nothing to do with it.
Sorry. That's the emotions talking. I really am flattered that Shannon and your mother have said such nice things about me. Really, it does me good to hear that. I can't say I'm seeing it fulfilled in many ways, but it still does me good to hear that. I think they underestimate your attractiveness though. You are just as gorgeous and cool as me, if not even more so. I was talking to Brian about you and he was just laughing and saying how cool you were and how he should text you and stuff. So don't think I'm the only hot one. Sorry to disappoint your mom's predictions of my impending marriage though.
Every one of those friends you mentioned has given more back to me than I've given to them. I suppose God sent us all to each other. I know I'm grateful for that.
So. The story. Friday night, while we were watching the movie, Mark patted my head or something and I joked that he should play with my hair. And he said he loves playing with hair so he did. The entire movie. And he was really good. So I didn't complain. It was nice.
Saturday, I decided to go to Kohl's in AF and I wanted someone to come so I asked Mark. He said of course, so we went, and we talked and just had a great time. I had been suspicious of him liking me for quite some time, but I still wasn't positive. Now I realize why he was so willing to run errands with me and stuff.
Saturday night a bunch of us went camping. Collin, Charlie, Jay, Mark, Charity, Me, Archy, and Brian. I told you I ended up between Mark and Collin, without actually trying. That was cool. Seven of us were in a four-person tent, so it was pretty cozy. Mark was surprisingly really cool about having to sleep so close to a pile of gay guys.
I didn't really sleep much at all, and finally I was to the point where I was just laying there uncomfortably staring at the tent ceiling. Mark was awake too and we checked the time: 5:30 am. Ugh. We both voiced how uncomfortable it was and how someone had been snoring, etc. Mark decided to readjust positions--I ended up using his arm as a pillow, and then he just put his other arm around me. It actually WAS more comfortable that way, and I said so. He said good, and that he had been afraid that I would be awkward if he put his arm over me. I said no because the entire tent situation was already awkward so having his arm around me was nothing.
I had one hand on his arm, and the other was underneath his hand cuz it was cold. It wasn't long before he started really slowly to caress that hand a little bit. I was really tired and cold and didn't mind, so I just let him. Somehow it evolved to the point that both hands were being held and caressed and I found myself doing the same to him. I was on my side with my back to him, and he pulled me in really close to him with his arms around me.
I'm not going to lie--it was exhilarating. I kept thinking that I shouldn't be doing this, that I don't even like Mark, that I was going to regret this later, but I was enjoying it so much that I just ignored my rational thoughts and enjoyed it.
Collin finally left the tent, and I soon followed. I sat by the fire and I was terrified. I knew I had just done something bad and I had no idea what to do about it. I was quite frightened and so I stayed away from Mark the rest of the morning, which was probably hurtful for him.
On the ride back, we were in the back seat of Charlie's truck. He had his arm across the seat, and when I leaned in to show him some pictures on my phone, he put his arm around me. He made an observation about how messy my hair was and started gently playing with it. He also really likes ears, so he'd delicately massage my ears too. It felt really nice.
I was distracted the rest of the day, but somehow I was a good enough actress to not let anyone know. After my grandparents house, I talked to Julie for several hours. I talked to Charlie that night too. I knew I didn't like Mark in the way I usually like guys, but I wanted to so bad. He's so much fun to be around, he's wonderful to talk to, he's sensitive and kind, he's an active member of the Church, he has all the same interests as me, I never get sick of being around him...And yet I'm just not feeling "gaga" about him. I was also worried about the Peter situation. And I'm going home soon. So I had no idea what to do.
I was able to sleep though, and I overslept. I really didn't want to do anything, especially go to class. But I had to. So I barely made it on time, and paid enough attention to take some notes. I knew I had to talk to Mark soon, but I didn't want to do it at all. I text-ed him, "You and I need to DTR." We figured out when, and then I continued to be frightened and nervous as I texted you the situation.
When he came over I felt so awkward. I didn't know what to say to him or how to treat him. He acted normal so we basically just chatted for a long time, both of us trying to put it off. Finally he said, "So....you text-ed me today...."
Me: Yeah...
Mark: I haven't really done this before....
Me: Me neither...It's sort of awkward.
Mark: Sort of.
We picked up our garbage and left Wendy's. As we're walking to my car:
Mark: So...I like you. There. I like you. And I'd like to date you, but I know you have crushes on other guys. So I've been fine with just being your friend.
Me: I'm not going to lie--If someone has asked me three days ago if I had a crush on you, I would have said no.
I could tell that hurt him.
Me: I COULD date you, and it wouldn't be awkward at all. I mean, you're awesome, and I love spending time with you, and I never get sick of you, but it wouldn't be fair for me to make the decision that we date.
Mark: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that if I say we should date, it's just because I think it would be fun, which is selfish. Also, what if I still like Peter in the fall? That's not fair to you.
Mark: Yeah I thought about that too. And you're going home in two weeks.
Me: Yes, that's another thing. So I suppose we could date right now, or we could wait and see how things are in the fall.
Mark: Well I hate long distance relationships.
Me: Yeah me too.
Mark: So let's not date right now and see what happens in the fall.
Me: Good idea.
[Pause]
Mark: I'm glad that's over with.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't want to do that.
Mark: I wanted to call you so many times yesterday.
Me: That's why I didn't want to put this off.
Mark: Yeah. So you aren't going to be awkward now are you?
Me: No no way.
Mark: Good. Give me a call and we'll hang out.
And then he left for work.
I wanted to give him a hug, but there was no time for it as he was leaving. He seemed like he just wanted to get out of there. I can't blame him. I could tell he was really sad, but he put on a good face and tried to joke and make it all right.
I went over to Mike's house and spilled everything. Then I went and got ice cream.
I went to FHE at the Matises house with all the gay people. It was incredible. The speaker was great, and everyone there was so kind and loving and accepting. I was really glad that Charlie came too. And it was really good for me--for a little while I forgot my dramatic life and I was social and bubbly and quite charming as I went around and met a bunch of people. It was so good for me--just what I needed.
We went to Archy's house after and just sat around talking. It was great fun for a bit, but then I started to think more and more about the Mark situation and I became antisocial. I then suddenly realized that my car was at Charlie's house and that it was going to get booted. We went over there, and sure enough, there was a nice little red boot on my car. Red is SO not her color. It's funny because Charlie, Brian, and Archy were all saying how sorry they were and how they felt bad about it and stuff, and I didn't even care. It was just something to add on to my day. I was just beyond caring, and I shrugged it off.
Archy took me home and I thanked him. I felt bad because I had been so antisocial and they were probably all worried about me but whatever. I got ready for bed and I really wanted to read this really cynical book called The Bell Jar, but I realized I had left it in my car. So I got online instead. No one was on, which was good cuz I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I had received six comments on my blog, which was really nice to see that people cared and offered to talk to me or help me if I needed anything. And then I found your email which really helped a lot. Charlie texted me and told me he'd help me take care of the boot on my car the next day. And he said he loved me. I told him not to help me pay for it, but I asked if I could spend the day with him. He said of course and that he loved me again.
By this time I'm crying and going through tissues like crazy. Haha. Your email helped me a lot. It's now morning time and Charlie's actually here as I type this. I'm feeling better because I slept forever and God was kind enough to send me dreams of playing bells and stuff that didn't have to do with Mark. And now we're going to go get Smart Cookie. I think I'm snapping out of it so I'll be okay. I just hope Mark isn't too down about it. I texted him last night and he seemed sad. Poor guy. I feel really bad about it.
But life must go on. It will be okay.
Thanks so much for saving my life like 80 times. I love you so much and hope that your life is less dramatic than mine. Haha. I can't wait to see you.
And thanks again for your present. It really helped.
Muah.
Love, Natalie
1 comment:
Great post, I am almost 100% in agreement with you
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