I got scared again. That hasn't happened in a while, and I'm not quite sure what caused it this time. I was waiting for Mark to call and I think it just reminded me of all the times Austin left me waiting, disappointed, and hurt. Mark of course did not leave me waiting, but even after speaking to him for a brief moment, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was setting myself up to be disappointed. It was completely irrational--Mark has treated me like a queen--and I think I attribute most of the feeling to the heat and my exhaustion.
My thoughts? Oh the usual. Why make myself vulnerable by trusting a guy, when all he's going to do is hurt me?; what makes me think things will work out this time when they've never worked out before?; why does he care about me in the first place when no one else seems to have been able to?; is there something inherently wrong with me?; why do I let myself think these ridiculous thoughts when I know they aren't helping and that they are unfounded?
That's part of why I like being single so much--my happiness has very little dependence on anyone but myself. I'm not as vulnerable when I'm not tied to someone else.
He text me and we talked a little bit about it. I told him the truth--I lack confidence in relationships.
Mostly because I lack experience. Mostly because no one has bothered to try having a real relationship with me before, as though I'm undesirable. In fact, that has been one of the biggest mysteries to me. I've been told by loads of people how I'm talented, smart, funny, beautiful, and all sorts of other crap that should attract guys from miles around. And yet. Here I am. Never having had a boyfriend. Rarely getting asked out on dates.
And then there's Mark. I suppose he's just what I've been looking for--a straight man who displays many of the characteristics that I so cherish in my gay friends, like sensitivity, honesty, respect for women, an interest in artsy things, etc.--who happens to be crazy about me too. But every now and then I'm still scared. Scared that I'll hurt him, or that he'll hurt me; ultimately scared that I will regret this decision later.
Of the many things Charlie has done for me, he taught me to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone. From that, I've come to realize that usually if I'm scared to do something, it is the right thing to do, and that if I don't do it, I will regret it later. I have yet to regret taking these risks, as scared as I might be, in little things, and in bigger things. I see no reason why I shouldn't apply this here--I'm taking a bit of a risk by attaching myself to Mark and making myself vulnerable, but if I don't take that risk I'll most likely regret it later.
I don't know why that comforts me, knowing that I'm taking a risk. Maybe because all of the other ones have worked out so well. I'm really looking forward to my return to Provo. This time away from Mark has definitely strengthened our relationship, but I miss him.
Plus, I've always been up for a challenge.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Friday, July 20, 2007
Why couldn't this have happened earlier?
It had been much easier for me to leave than it had been for Mark. And that made me wonder again if I really liked him. But I was off to California with two months to sort out my thoughts.
It was surprisingly wonderful to be home. I really enjoyed spending time with my family and I told my parents that I was sort of interested in Mark. They, of course, pummeled me with questions, but those eventually let up.
I was texting Mark one day and I suggested he give me a call that night. He sounded thrilled with the idea, and he followed through. We talked for a while, and it was actually really nice. No awkwardness or anything. So he called again the next night and we talked even longer. The next night I talked to Charlie for a long time, and he was happy for me that things with Mark were going well.
Mark and I continued talking each night, and the more I talked to him, the more I missed him. He was so much fun to talk to, and I remembered how much fun I had had being around him. He was very honest with me, and very open. I tried to be open with him too, and I found myself really looking forward to talking to him each night. Conversely, I talked to Peter every now and then online and found his conversation to be quite boring.
Somehow Mark had seduced me. I was suddenly quite smitten with him. I wondered why this hadn't happened earlier, when I had wanted it to. Maybe me going home was exactly what we needed to get to know each other.
And so, we were practically dating. We decided not to make it official until I was back in Provo, but for all intents and purposes, he was mine.
It was surprisingly wonderful to be home. I really enjoyed spending time with my family and I told my parents that I was sort of interested in Mark. They, of course, pummeled me with questions, but those eventually let up.
I was texting Mark one day and I suggested he give me a call that night. He sounded thrilled with the idea, and he followed through. We talked for a while, and it was actually really nice. No awkwardness or anything. So he called again the next night and we talked even longer. The next night I talked to Charlie for a long time, and he was happy for me that things with Mark were going well.
Mark and I continued talking each night, and the more I talked to him, the more I missed him. He was so much fun to talk to, and I remembered how much fun I had had being around him. He was very honest with me, and very open. I tried to be open with him too, and I found myself really looking forward to talking to him each night. Conversely, I talked to Peter every now and then online and found his conversation to be quite boring.
Somehow Mark had seduced me. I was suddenly quite smitten with him. I wondered why this hadn't happened earlier, when I had wanted it to. Maybe me going home was exactly what we needed to get to know each other.
And so, we were practically dating. We decided not to make it official until I was back in Provo, but for all intents and purposes, he was mine.
Park City
My last day in Provo, I decided I wanted to spend the day in Park City. I invited a few people, but it seemed that everyone was working except for Mark. But my plans were not to be thwarted. Mark and I made the drive up the canyon (I love that drive, by the way) and I actually remembered how to get to Main Street.
We parked and then made the walk down the street, remembering places we wanted to stop at later. It was a lot of fun just talking and having fun with Mark. He kept me laughing, and he actually seemed to enjoy walking through the art galleries with me.
At the bottom of Main Street, we noticed that the ski lift was running, despite the fact that we were in the middle of June. We hesitantly bought tickets and hopped on the lift. I was pretty frightened, so I scooted close to Mark and held onto his arm. He readjusted, putting his arm around me and saying that it was easier for him to hold on that way. I should have complimented him on this smooth move, but to be honest, I was more focused on not dying.
The ride was pleasant and there was a nice breeze. Mark took some pictures of us, managing not to drop his camera, and I eventually relaxed. I've always been sort of amazed at how long Mark and I are able to talk without it getting awkward, and this instance was no different. We talked about random unimportant things, past relationships, school, friends, and anything else you could think of.
There really wasn't much to do at the top, what with there not being any snow, so we just rode back down. This time there was a bar in front of us so I wasn't frightened, but Mark put his arm around me anyway. I can't say I minded.
We started our walk back up Main Street in search of some food, since neither of us had had anything to eat except for a piece of fudge. We found a place called The Hungry Moose Cafe (or something like that) and decided to go in just because of the name. Mark decided to be adventurous and ordered a buffalo burger; I was boring and got chicken. It was pretty good, although our server was slow.
We stopped for gelatto and picture taking on our way back to the car. Seeing a life-sized bronze moose, we posed in front of it and attempted to take a picture of ourselves in front of it. Mark pulled me in really close to him so that suddenly we had our arms around each other. I'm not going to lie--that was my favorite part of the entire day. Plus that picture turned out really well.
I was sort of sad to leave Park City because I had had such a great time, but Brian had invited us to a concert so we decided to head home. We had a few hours to kill, so Mark suggested we rent Big Fish and watch it. I had never seen it and it's one of his favorites, so I consented.
We started the movie and consumed several otter pops. I sat close enough to Mark, but not too close. He took the hint though and put his arm around me as I had hoped he would. He was sort of tickling my arm which was nice, and then he was inevitably playing with my hair. I don't really know how it happened, but by the end of the movie I was lying in his arms and we were holding hands. He was so comfortable and kept tousling my hair... I sort of had a hard time paying attention to the movie, but I got the gist of it.
When the movie ended, neither of us wanted to get up. We just let the TV run and enjoyed each other's company. I was sort of sad when Jay came over to go to the concert with us. Brian and Collin had made other plans, so it was just the three of us. I tried to be good company for Jay because I sensed he had had a rough day, but I just wanted to be with Mark. And he kept tickling my back and playing with my hair...
After the concert, which was actually pretty good, we went to Charlie and Collin's house so I could say goodbye. We all ended up going to get ice cream and then everyone departed, except Mark. He stayed until curfew, and then tried to persuade me to go see a late movie with him. I can't tell you how tempted I was, but I knew I had to drive all day the next day so I decided I needed sleep. He held me for a while outside my apartment, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I sort of wanted him to, but I was also sort of afraid I would regret it later. He didn't do it. He seemed like he had a hard time letting go of me though; I hadn't realized he was going to be this sad.
He said goodbye and walked away. I returned to packing and my previous confusion, wondering if I had made a mistake again.
We parked and then made the walk down the street, remembering places we wanted to stop at later. It was a lot of fun just talking and having fun with Mark. He kept me laughing, and he actually seemed to enjoy walking through the art galleries with me.
At the bottom of Main Street, we noticed that the ski lift was running, despite the fact that we were in the middle of June. We hesitantly bought tickets and hopped on the lift. I was pretty frightened, so I scooted close to Mark and held onto his arm. He readjusted, putting his arm around me and saying that it was easier for him to hold on that way. I should have complimented him on this smooth move, but to be honest, I was more focused on not dying.
The ride was pleasant and there was a nice breeze. Mark took some pictures of us, managing not to drop his camera, and I eventually relaxed. I've always been sort of amazed at how long Mark and I are able to talk without it getting awkward, and this instance was no different. We talked about random unimportant things, past relationships, school, friends, and anything else you could think of.
There really wasn't much to do at the top, what with there not being any snow, so we just rode back down. This time there was a bar in front of us so I wasn't frightened, but Mark put his arm around me anyway. I can't say I minded.
We started our walk back up Main Street in search of some food, since neither of us had had anything to eat except for a piece of fudge. We found a place called The Hungry Moose Cafe (or something like that) and decided to go in just because of the name. Mark decided to be adventurous and ordered a buffalo burger; I was boring and got chicken. It was pretty good, although our server was slow.
We stopped for gelatto and picture taking on our way back to the car. Seeing a life-sized bronze moose, we posed in front of it and attempted to take a picture of ourselves in front of it. Mark pulled me in really close to him so that suddenly we had our arms around each other. I'm not going to lie--that was my favorite part of the entire day. Plus that picture turned out really well.
I was sort of sad to leave Park City because I had had such a great time, but Brian had invited us to a concert so we decided to head home. We had a few hours to kill, so Mark suggested we rent Big Fish and watch it. I had never seen it and it's one of his favorites, so I consented.
We started the movie and consumed several otter pops. I sat close enough to Mark, but not too close. He took the hint though and put his arm around me as I had hoped he would. He was sort of tickling my arm which was nice, and then he was inevitably playing with my hair. I don't really know how it happened, but by the end of the movie I was lying in his arms and we were holding hands. He was so comfortable and kept tousling my hair... I sort of had a hard time paying attention to the movie, but I got the gist of it.
When the movie ended, neither of us wanted to get up. We just let the TV run and enjoyed each other's company. I was sort of sad when Jay came over to go to the concert with us. Brian and Collin had made other plans, so it was just the three of us. I tried to be good company for Jay because I sensed he had had a rough day, but I just wanted to be with Mark. And he kept tickling my back and playing with my hair...
After the concert, which was actually pretty good, we went to Charlie and Collin's house so I could say goodbye. We all ended up going to get ice cream and then everyone departed, except Mark. He stayed until curfew, and then tried to persuade me to go see a late movie with him. I can't tell you how tempted I was, but I knew I had to drive all day the next day so I decided I needed sleep. He held me for a while outside my apartment, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I sort of wanted him to, but I was also sort of afraid I would regret it later. He didn't do it. He seemed like he had a hard time letting go of me though; I hadn't realized he was going to be this sad.
He said goodbye and walked away. I returned to packing and my previous confusion, wondering if I had made a mistake again.
Frustrated
So that's how it all started. This whole situation with Mark.
The week following our little DTR at Wendy's was sort of long. I couldn't help but feel like I had made the wrong choice. For some reason, I really wanted to date Mark, but I couldn't decide if I wanted it for the wrong reasons.
I talked to Elizabeth and she warned me about the dangers of dating someone just to have a cuddle buddy. Of course I already knew that; what I didn't know was if that was how I felt about Mark, or if I actually wanted to date him for the right reasons. Julie pointed out that if I'm not sure about my reasoning, it probably isn't good.
I can't say I disagreed with that assessment. But there was one minor flaw in that theory. Normally, if I don't "like" a guy, I will avoid any romantic physical contact with him. This wasn't the case with Mark. I had enjoyed holding hands with him. It had felt good to have his arms around me. And as the week progressed, I wanted to be close to him.
Char and her boyfriend were in town that Saturday and wanted to hang out. I didn't want to be the third wheel, so I invited Mark to come with us. We watched Seinfeld at my house, went to the mall, visited some people, and then finished the night with a movie. The whole time it felt like Mark and I were a couple, and I really liked that feeling. I wanted to sit close to him on the couch. I was tempted to put my hand on his knee. But I kept telling myself that it was all in my head; that I wanted it for the wrong reasons; that I had already made my decision to break his heart; etc...
Another week went by, basically the same--I kept hoping he would ignore what I had said at Wendy's and that he would take my hand and make the decision for me. But he didn't. He kept it strictly platonic, just like he said he would. And I continued to grow even more irritated with myself for not understanding what I was feeling.
The week following our little DTR at Wendy's was sort of long. I couldn't help but feel like I had made the wrong choice. For some reason, I really wanted to date Mark, but I couldn't decide if I wanted it for the wrong reasons.
I talked to Elizabeth and she warned me about the dangers of dating someone just to have a cuddle buddy. Of course I already knew that; what I didn't know was if that was how I felt about Mark, or if I actually wanted to date him for the right reasons. Julie pointed out that if I'm not sure about my reasoning, it probably isn't good.
I can't say I disagreed with that assessment. But there was one minor flaw in that theory. Normally, if I don't "like" a guy, I will avoid any romantic physical contact with him. This wasn't the case with Mark. I had enjoyed holding hands with him. It had felt good to have his arms around me. And as the week progressed, I wanted to be close to him.
Char and her boyfriend were in town that Saturday and wanted to hang out. I didn't want to be the third wheel, so I invited Mark to come with us. We watched Seinfeld at my house, went to the mall, visited some people, and then finished the night with a movie. The whole time it felt like Mark and I were a couple, and I really liked that feeling. I wanted to sit close to him on the couch. I was tempted to put my hand on his knee. But I kept telling myself that it was all in my head; that I wanted it for the wrong reasons; that I had already made my decision to break his heart; etc...
Another week went by, basically the same--I kept hoping he would ignore what I had said at Wendy's and that he would take my hand and make the decision for me. But he didn't. He kept it strictly platonic, just like he said he would. And I continued to grow even more irritated with myself for not understanding what I was feeling.
Email #7
My dearest friend,
You're 800 miles away, and yet you've really been a huge support for me today. You were encouraging and reassuring about the Mark situation, your package came (I'm actually really glad it came today instead of Friday--I needed it today), and then as I was literally crying my eyes out I find this wonderful email from you and it really helped to calm me down. You said I was sent to you, but I really think we were sent to each other because you have been such an amazing friend to me. Blast. Here come the tears again. I'm so emotional right now--a huge mess. It really makes me so grateful to have wonderful friends like you, and Julie, and Charlie, and everyone else. I posted one line on my blog last night--something about how I messed up and I just want to go home. Both Brian and Mike made me tell them what happened and it really made me feel good to know they cared so much. Maybe my friends have "dramatic" lives, but I'm overly emotional about my semi-dramatic life and you guys are still so fantastic to me. I don't even know why I'm so upset about this whole thing. I mean, Mark is the one that's hurting (and I can tell he's hurting) and it makes me so upset that I was the cause. I think I'm sort of mad at a lot of aspects of the whole situation and it's all combined to make me emotional, upset, distracted, stressed, and socially boring.
I suppose I should answer your email first and then tell you the entire story.
I had a fun birthday. Not the funnest one I've ever had, but it was enjoyable and I wasn't disappointed. We all watched a movie and ate cake after dinner. Charlie and I are supposedly going on our date this Wednesday as his birthday present. And really, as much as I love being with all the guys, I think it would have been 100 times better if you and Julie had been there. I thought about you two the whole night.
I'm glad Popsicle is doing well. I honestly haven't talked to her in a long time and I feel guilty about it. But I feel better knowing she has you to talk to.
Nothing has happened with Collin. He's a really great guy that I'm actually attracted to but I sort of doubt anything will happen, especially now that this Mark conflict has arisen. Right now I don't really want to think about romance. I hate romance right now. I want nothing to do with it.
Sorry. That's the emotions talking. I really am flattered that Shannon and your mother have said such nice things about me. Really, it does me good to hear that. I can't say I'm seeing it fulfilled in many ways, but it still does me good to hear that. I think they underestimate your attractiveness though. You are just as gorgeous and cool as me, if not even more so. I was talking to Brian about you and he was just laughing and saying how cool you were and how he should text you and stuff. So don't think I'm the only hot one. Sorry to disappoint your mom's predictions of my impending marriage though.
Every one of those friends you mentioned has given more back to me than I've given to them. I suppose God sent us all to each other. I know I'm grateful for that.
So. The story. Friday night, while we were watching the movie, Mark patted my head or something and I joked that he should play with my hair. And he said he loves playing with hair so he did. The entire movie. And he was really good. So I didn't complain. It was nice.
Saturday, I decided to go to Kohl's in AF and I wanted someone to come so I asked Mark. He said of course, so we went, and we talked and just had a great time. I had been suspicious of him liking me for quite some time, but I still wasn't positive. Now I realize why he was so willing to run errands with me and stuff.
Saturday night a bunch of us went camping. Collin, Charlie, Jay, Mark, Charity, Me, Archy, and Brian. I told you I ended up between Mark and Collin, without actually trying. That was cool. Seven of us were in a four-person tent, so it was pretty cozy. Mark was surprisingly really cool about having to sleep so close to a pile of gay guys.
I didn't really sleep much at all, and finally I was to the point where I was just laying there uncomfortably staring at the tent ceiling. Mark was awake too and we checked the time: 5:30 am. Ugh. We both voiced how uncomfortable it was and how someone had been snoring, etc. Mark decided to readjust positions--I ended up using his arm as a pillow, and then he just put his other arm around me. It actually WAS more comfortable that way, and I said so. He said good, and that he had been afraid that I would be awkward if he put his arm over me. I said no because the entire tent situation was already awkward so having his arm around me was nothing.
I had one hand on his arm, and the other was underneath his hand cuz it was cold. It wasn't long before he started really slowly to caress that hand a little bit. I was really tired and cold and didn't mind, so I just let him. Somehow it evolved to the point that both hands were being held and caressed and I found myself doing the same to him. I was on my side with my back to him, and he pulled me in really close to him with his arms around me.
I'm not going to lie--it was exhilarating. I kept thinking that I shouldn't be doing this, that I don't even like Mark, that I was going to regret this later, but I was enjoying it so much that I just ignored my rational thoughts and enjoyed it.
Collin finally left the tent, and I soon followed. I sat by the fire and I was terrified. I knew I had just done something bad and I had no idea what to do about it. I was quite frightened and so I stayed away from Mark the rest of the morning, which was probably hurtful for him.
On the ride back, we were in the back seat of Charlie's truck. He had his arm across the seat, and when I leaned in to show him some pictures on my phone, he put his arm around me. He made an observation about how messy my hair was and started gently playing with it. He also really likes ears, so he'd delicately massage my ears too. It felt really nice.
I was distracted the rest of the day, but somehow I was a good enough actress to not let anyone know. After my grandparents house, I talked to Julie for several hours. I talked to Charlie that night too. I knew I didn't like Mark in the way I usually like guys, but I wanted to so bad. He's so much fun to be around, he's wonderful to talk to, he's sensitive and kind, he's an active member of the Church, he has all the same interests as me, I never get sick of being around him...And yet I'm just not feeling "gaga" about him. I was also worried about the Peter situation. And I'm going home soon. So I had no idea what to do.
I was able to sleep though, and I overslept. I really didn't want to do anything, especially go to class. But I had to. So I barely made it on time, and paid enough attention to take some notes. I knew I had to talk to Mark soon, but I didn't want to do it at all. I text-ed him, "You and I need to DTR." We figured out when, and then I continued to be frightened and nervous as I texted you the situation.
When he came over I felt so awkward. I didn't know what to say to him or how to treat him. He acted normal so we basically just chatted for a long time, both of us trying to put it off. Finally he said, "So....you text-ed me today...."
Me: Yeah...
Mark: I haven't really done this before....
Me: Me neither...It's sort of awkward.
Mark: Sort of.
We picked up our garbage and left Wendy's. As we're walking to my car:
Mark: So...I like you. There. I like you. And I'd like to date you, but I know you have crushes on other guys. So I've been fine with just being your friend.
Me: I'm not going to lie--If someone has asked me three days ago if I had a crush on you, I would have said no.
I could tell that hurt him.
Me: I COULD date you, and it wouldn't be awkward at all. I mean, you're awesome, and I love spending time with you, and I never get sick of you, but it wouldn't be fair for me to make the decision that we date.
Mark: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that if I say we should date, it's just because I think it would be fun, which is selfish. Also, what if I still like Peter in the fall? That's not fair to you.
Mark: Yeah I thought about that too. And you're going home in two weeks.
Me: Yes, that's another thing. So I suppose we could date right now, or we could wait and see how things are in the fall.
Mark: Well I hate long distance relationships.
Me: Yeah me too.
Mark: So let's not date right now and see what happens in the fall.
Me: Good idea.
[Pause]
Mark: I'm glad that's over with.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't want to do that.
Mark: I wanted to call you so many times yesterday.
Me: That's why I didn't want to put this off.
Mark: Yeah. So you aren't going to be awkward now are you?
Me: No no way.
Mark: Good. Give me a call and we'll hang out.
And then he left for work.
I wanted to give him a hug, but there was no time for it as he was leaving. He seemed like he just wanted to get out of there. I can't blame him. I could tell he was really sad, but he put on a good face and tried to joke and make it all right.
I went over to Mike's house and spilled everything. Then I went and got ice cream.
I went to FHE at the Matises house with all the gay people. It was incredible. The speaker was great, and everyone there was so kind and loving and accepting. I was really glad that Charlie came too. And it was really good for me--for a little while I forgot my dramatic life and I was social and bubbly and quite charming as I went around and met a bunch of people. It was so good for me--just what I needed.
We went to Archy's house after and just sat around talking. It was great fun for a bit, but then I started to think more and more about the Mark situation and I became antisocial. I then suddenly realized that my car was at Charlie's house and that it was going to get booted. We went over there, and sure enough, there was a nice little red boot on my car. Red is SO not her color. It's funny because Charlie, Brian, and Archy were all saying how sorry they were and how they felt bad about it and stuff, and I didn't even care. It was just something to add on to my day. I was just beyond caring, and I shrugged it off.
Archy took me home and I thanked him. I felt bad because I had been so antisocial and they were probably all worried about me but whatever. I got ready for bed and I really wanted to read this really cynical book called The Bell Jar, but I realized I had left it in my car. So I got online instead. No one was on, which was good cuz I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I had received six comments on my blog, which was really nice to see that people cared and offered to talk to me or help me if I needed anything. And then I found your email which really helped a lot. Charlie texted me and told me he'd help me take care of the boot on my car the next day. And he said he loved me. I told him not to help me pay for it, but I asked if I could spend the day with him. He said of course and that he loved me again.
By this time I'm crying and going through tissues like crazy. Haha. Your email helped me a lot. It's now morning time and Charlie's actually here as I type this. I'm feeling better because I slept forever and God was kind enough to send me dreams of playing bells and stuff that didn't have to do with Mark. And now we're going to go get Smart Cookie. I think I'm snapping out of it so I'll be okay. I just hope Mark isn't too down about it. I texted him last night and he seemed sad. Poor guy. I feel really bad about it.
But life must go on. It will be okay.
Thanks so much for saving my life like 80 times. I love you so much and hope that your life is less dramatic than mine. Haha. I can't wait to see you.
And thanks again for your present. It really helped.
Muah.
Love, Natalie
You're 800 miles away, and yet you've really been a huge support for me today. You were encouraging and reassuring about the Mark situation, your package came (I'm actually really glad it came today instead of Friday--I needed it today), and then as I was literally crying my eyes out I find this wonderful email from you and it really helped to calm me down. You said I was sent to you, but I really think we were sent to each other because you have been such an amazing friend to me. Blast. Here come the tears again. I'm so emotional right now--a huge mess. It really makes me so grateful to have wonderful friends like you, and Julie, and Charlie, and everyone else. I posted one line on my blog last night--something about how I messed up and I just want to go home. Both Brian and Mike made me tell them what happened and it really made me feel good to know they cared so much. Maybe my friends have "dramatic" lives, but I'm overly emotional about my semi-dramatic life and you guys are still so fantastic to me. I don't even know why I'm so upset about this whole thing. I mean, Mark is the one that's hurting (and I can tell he's hurting) and it makes me so upset that I was the cause. I think I'm sort of mad at a lot of aspects of the whole situation and it's all combined to make me emotional, upset, distracted, stressed, and socially boring.
I suppose I should answer your email first and then tell you the entire story.
I had a fun birthday. Not the funnest one I've ever had, but it was enjoyable and I wasn't disappointed. We all watched a movie and ate cake after dinner. Charlie and I are supposedly going on our date this Wednesday as his birthday present. And really, as much as I love being with all the guys, I think it would have been 100 times better if you and Julie had been there. I thought about you two the whole night.
I'm glad Popsicle is doing well. I honestly haven't talked to her in a long time and I feel guilty about it. But I feel better knowing she has you to talk to.
Nothing has happened with Collin. He's a really great guy that I'm actually attracted to but I sort of doubt anything will happen, especially now that this Mark conflict has arisen. Right now I don't really want to think about romance. I hate romance right now. I want nothing to do with it.
Sorry. That's the emotions talking. I really am flattered that Shannon and your mother have said such nice things about me. Really, it does me good to hear that. I can't say I'm seeing it fulfilled in many ways, but it still does me good to hear that. I think they underestimate your attractiveness though. You are just as gorgeous and cool as me, if not even more so. I was talking to Brian about you and he was just laughing and saying how cool you were and how he should text you and stuff. So don't think I'm the only hot one. Sorry to disappoint your mom's predictions of my impending marriage though.
Every one of those friends you mentioned has given more back to me than I've given to them. I suppose God sent us all to each other. I know I'm grateful for that.
So. The story. Friday night, while we were watching the movie, Mark patted my head or something and I joked that he should play with my hair. And he said he loves playing with hair so he did. The entire movie. And he was really good. So I didn't complain. It was nice.
Saturday, I decided to go to Kohl's in AF and I wanted someone to come so I asked Mark. He said of course, so we went, and we talked and just had a great time. I had been suspicious of him liking me for quite some time, but I still wasn't positive. Now I realize why he was so willing to run errands with me and stuff.
Saturday night a bunch of us went camping. Collin, Charlie, Jay, Mark, Charity, Me, Archy, and Brian. I told you I ended up between Mark and Collin, without actually trying. That was cool. Seven of us were in a four-person tent, so it was pretty cozy. Mark was surprisingly really cool about having to sleep so close to a pile of gay guys.
I didn't really sleep much at all, and finally I was to the point where I was just laying there uncomfortably staring at the tent ceiling. Mark was awake too and we checked the time: 5:30 am. Ugh. We both voiced how uncomfortable it was and how someone had been snoring, etc. Mark decided to readjust positions--I ended up using his arm as a pillow, and then he just put his other arm around me. It actually WAS more comfortable that way, and I said so. He said good, and that he had been afraid that I would be awkward if he put his arm over me. I said no because the entire tent situation was already awkward so having his arm around me was nothing.
I had one hand on his arm, and the other was underneath his hand cuz it was cold. It wasn't long before he started really slowly to caress that hand a little bit. I was really tired and cold and didn't mind, so I just let him. Somehow it evolved to the point that both hands were being held and caressed and I found myself doing the same to him. I was on my side with my back to him, and he pulled me in really close to him with his arms around me.
I'm not going to lie--it was exhilarating. I kept thinking that I shouldn't be doing this, that I don't even like Mark, that I was going to regret this later, but I was enjoying it so much that I just ignored my rational thoughts and enjoyed it.
Collin finally left the tent, and I soon followed. I sat by the fire and I was terrified. I knew I had just done something bad and I had no idea what to do about it. I was quite frightened and so I stayed away from Mark the rest of the morning, which was probably hurtful for him.
On the ride back, we were in the back seat of Charlie's truck. He had his arm across the seat, and when I leaned in to show him some pictures on my phone, he put his arm around me. He made an observation about how messy my hair was and started gently playing with it. He also really likes ears, so he'd delicately massage my ears too. It felt really nice.
I was distracted the rest of the day, but somehow I was a good enough actress to not let anyone know. After my grandparents house, I talked to Julie for several hours. I talked to Charlie that night too. I knew I didn't like Mark in the way I usually like guys, but I wanted to so bad. He's so much fun to be around, he's wonderful to talk to, he's sensitive and kind, he's an active member of the Church, he has all the same interests as me, I never get sick of being around him...And yet I'm just not feeling "gaga" about him. I was also worried about the Peter situation. And I'm going home soon. So I had no idea what to do.
I was able to sleep though, and I overslept. I really didn't want to do anything, especially go to class. But I had to. So I barely made it on time, and paid enough attention to take some notes. I knew I had to talk to Mark soon, but I didn't want to do it at all. I text-ed him, "You and I need to DTR." We figured out when, and then I continued to be frightened and nervous as I texted you the situation.
When he came over I felt so awkward. I didn't know what to say to him or how to treat him. He acted normal so we basically just chatted for a long time, both of us trying to put it off. Finally he said, "So....you text-ed me today...."
Me: Yeah...
Mark: I haven't really done this before....
Me: Me neither...It's sort of awkward.
Mark: Sort of.
We picked up our garbage and left Wendy's. As we're walking to my car:
Mark: So...I like you. There. I like you. And I'd like to date you, but I know you have crushes on other guys. So I've been fine with just being your friend.
Me: I'm not going to lie--If someone has asked me three days ago if I had a crush on you, I would have said no.
I could tell that hurt him.
Me: I COULD date you, and it wouldn't be awkward at all. I mean, you're awesome, and I love spending time with you, and I never get sick of you, but it wouldn't be fair for me to make the decision that we date.
Mark: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that if I say we should date, it's just because I think it would be fun, which is selfish. Also, what if I still like Peter in the fall? That's not fair to you.
Mark: Yeah I thought about that too. And you're going home in two weeks.
Me: Yes, that's another thing. So I suppose we could date right now, or we could wait and see how things are in the fall.
Mark: Well I hate long distance relationships.
Me: Yeah me too.
Mark: So let's not date right now and see what happens in the fall.
Me: Good idea.
[Pause]
Mark: I'm glad that's over with.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't want to do that.
Mark: I wanted to call you so many times yesterday.
Me: That's why I didn't want to put this off.
Mark: Yeah. So you aren't going to be awkward now are you?
Me: No no way.
Mark: Good. Give me a call and we'll hang out.
And then he left for work.
I wanted to give him a hug, but there was no time for it as he was leaving. He seemed like he just wanted to get out of there. I can't blame him. I could tell he was really sad, but he put on a good face and tried to joke and make it all right.
I went over to Mike's house and spilled everything. Then I went and got ice cream.
I went to FHE at the Matises house with all the gay people. It was incredible. The speaker was great, and everyone there was so kind and loving and accepting. I was really glad that Charlie came too. And it was really good for me--for a little while I forgot my dramatic life and I was social and bubbly and quite charming as I went around and met a bunch of people. It was so good for me--just what I needed.
We went to Archy's house after and just sat around talking. It was great fun for a bit, but then I started to think more and more about the Mark situation and I became antisocial. I then suddenly realized that my car was at Charlie's house and that it was going to get booted. We went over there, and sure enough, there was a nice little red boot on my car. Red is SO not her color. It's funny because Charlie, Brian, and Archy were all saying how sorry they were and how they felt bad about it and stuff, and I didn't even care. It was just something to add on to my day. I was just beyond caring, and I shrugged it off.
Archy took me home and I thanked him. I felt bad because I had been so antisocial and they were probably all worried about me but whatever. I got ready for bed and I really wanted to read this really cynical book called The Bell Jar, but I realized I had left it in my car. So I got online instead. No one was on, which was good cuz I didn't want to talk to anyone.
I had received six comments on my blog, which was really nice to see that people cared and offered to talk to me or help me if I needed anything. And then I found your email which really helped a lot. Charlie texted me and told me he'd help me take care of the boot on my car the next day. And he said he loved me. I told him not to help me pay for it, but I asked if I could spend the day with him. He said of course and that he loved me again.
By this time I'm crying and going through tissues like crazy. Haha. Your email helped me a lot. It's now morning time and Charlie's actually here as I type this. I'm feeling better because I slept forever and God was kind enough to send me dreams of playing bells and stuff that didn't have to do with Mark. And now we're going to go get Smart Cookie. I think I'm snapping out of it so I'll be okay. I just hope Mark isn't too down about it. I texted him last night and he seemed sad. Poor guy. I feel really bad about it.
But life must go on. It will be okay.
Thanks so much for saving my life like 80 times. I love you so much and hope that your life is less dramatic than mine. Haha. I can't wait to see you.
And thanks again for your present. It really helped.
Muah.
Love, Natalie
Email #6
Hey Sunshine. Sorry to hear that the theater sucks as usual and that you still can't eat. Maybe you'll get mega skinny. ;) Actually that's called anorexia and that's not good. Ugh I don't know what I'm talking about. It's one of those days. I do wish you would get better soon. I can't even imagine all the crap you've had to go through. That's funny about your ward totally bombarding you. Just goes to show how amazing you are and how many people you've touched. And as far as singles ward goes, I don't really care. I'll go if you and Popsicle go, but that's it. Everyone from last summer got married, and you're right--I don't really want to hang out with Kelly by myself. So just tell them you'll start going when I do. Yay. I'll probably go to fourth ward the first week or so when I'm home though. My rents are going out of town for a week and I think it would be mean to drag Harry to singles ward. Haha.
I don't know what kind of "details" you want about me and Collin. There really aren't any. It's funny--I'm slightly (emphasis on SLIGHTLY) interested in Collin, but I spend my time giving him romance advice for this girl he likes. I'm screwing myself over to be a good friend. Go figure. I better get brownie points in heaven for that. Like I said though, it's a very very slight interest, and I'd have to say I don't even think about it much. Nor do I see him very often. So whatever. That's that.
And holding hands with Moho's doesnt really count as "action" I dont think. I mean, I really don't get anything out of it except the entertainment of watching other people be awkward. *Shrug.* Whatever. And I haven't seen the cute guy from Roseville since last Monday at that ward activity. So there goes that. No attraction to Mark, although he did stay at my house until 6 am the other night helping me study (Elizabeth is out of town. haha). But still no attraction.
And I never agreed with you about the hotness queen thing. So I can be the self-proclaimed Queen of Sucking at Dating and Life if I want to. So there. *Sticks out tongue.* You're the one who has guys asking you out, and stalking you, and buying you necklaces. Haha.
As far as Peter goes, I've been able to gather a bit of information from Mark. Haha. Apparently Peter and this Emma girl are really close. He said he once asked Peter if he was ever going to tell me about India and Peter said no. What a jerkface! I was like, well what was he going to tell me when she's out here and he suddenly had a girlfriend? I swear, boys are idiots. It's funny though, I still think Peter was a little interested in me. I mean, we hung out all the time, and he paid for me all the time. And even now, we talk about every other day online. We've been emailing each other on Facebook for a while, so I tried being boring to see if he would stop emailing me---and he hasn't. So I don't know what his deal is. I asked Mark if Peter's the kind of guy that will stop hanging out with all of his friends when he has a girlfriend. Mark didn't know--apparently they didn't really become good friends until after Emma left. So we'll see. And I know Peter has had gay friends before so he doesn't really care that I have gay friends. Obviously he hasn't knowingly met any of them though, and I don't know if he ever will. We'll see.
How is Popsicle by the way? Have you talked to her? I haven't talked to her since before she left Provo. Man I suck at being friends with people.
Charlie is doing okay I guess. He really enjoyed the Pride festival, and I know a couple of Moho's who went. He's not like antagonistic towards church, he's just sort of indifferent and doesn't want to put in the effort. Collin has been a good influence on him though and has been really encouraging. Charlie's also not going to stay at BYU. He's staying until October (but not taking classes) and then he has plans to do what Andrea did and go to Brazil until the end of December. Then Celine (who is pregnant, did you hear?) will be having her baby sometime in February and Charlie plans to just work and go to school in Cali. Maybe transfer to Davis or Sac State. BYU just isn't working out--he doesn't have a high enough GPA to get in. I think he wants to join the Peace Corps so going to Ecuador will look good for that. I wish he would get active in the church though. I guess we just have to keep praying for him.
I better get to hang out with you this summer. I'm going to have two jobs also, but still. If I don't get to see you frequently I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to need relief from the family, and I'm not going to have anyone else to talk to about Provo life. Especially the Moho's! Haha. I freaking miss you.
Love you tons. I have to go take a test. And then I have no homework the rest of the week. Sweet relief and birthday. :)
Natalie
PS--What's your favorite Disney princess? I can't decide...Belle is really pretty and stuff, but Pocahontas is hardcore and can use a bow and arrow and stuff. And Ariel is a mermaid. Decisions, decisions.
I don't know what kind of "details" you want about me and Collin. There really aren't any. It's funny--I'm slightly (emphasis on SLIGHTLY) interested in Collin, but I spend my time giving him romance advice for this girl he likes. I'm screwing myself over to be a good friend. Go figure. I better get brownie points in heaven for that. Like I said though, it's a very very slight interest, and I'd have to say I don't even think about it much. Nor do I see him very often. So whatever. That's that.
And holding hands with Moho's doesnt really count as "action" I dont think. I mean, I really don't get anything out of it except the entertainment of watching other people be awkward. *Shrug.* Whatever. And I haven't seen the cute guy from Roseville since last Monday at that ward activity. So there goes that. No attraction to Mark, although he did stay at my house until 6 am the other night helping me study (Elizabeth is out of town. haha). But still no attraction.
And I never agreed with you about the hotness queen thing. So I can be the self-proclaimed Queen of Sucking at Dating and Life if I want to. So there. *Sticks out tongue.* You're the one who has guys asking you out, and stalking you, and buying you necklaces. Haha.
As far as Peter goes, I've been able to gather a bit of information from Mark. Haha. Apparently Peter and this Emma girl are really close. He said he once asked Peter if he was ever going to tell me about India and Peter said no. What a jerkface! I was like, well what was he going to tell me when she's out here and he suddenly had a girlfriend? I swear, boys are idiots. It's funny though, I still think Peter was a little interested in me. I mean, we hung out all the time, and he paid for me all the time. And even now, we talk about every other day online. We've been emailing each other on Facebook for a while, so I tried being boring to see if he would stop emailing me---and he hasn't. So I don't know what his deal is. I asked Mark if Peter's the kind of guy that will stop hanging out with all of his friends when he has a girlfriend. Mark didn't know--apparently they didn't really become good friends until after Emma left. So we'll see. And I know Peter has had gay friends before so he doesn't really care that I have gay friends. Obviously he hasn't knowingly met any of them though, and I don't know if he ever will. We'll see.
How is Popsicle by the way? Have you talked to her? I haven't talked to her since before she left Provo. Man I suck at being friends with people.
Charlie is doing okay I guess. He really enjoyed the Pride festival, and I know a couple of Moho's who went. He's not like antagonistic towards church, he's just sort of indifferent and doesn't want to put in the effort. Collin has been a good influence on him though and has been really encouraging. Charlie's also not going to stay at BYU. He's staying until October (but not taking classes) and then he has plans to do what Andrea did and go to Brazil until the end of December. Then Celine (who is pregnant, did you hear?) will be having her baby sometime in February and Charlie plans to just work and go to school in Cali. Maybe transfer to Davis or Sac State. BYU just isn't working out--he doesn't have a high enough GPA to get in. I think he wants to join the Peace Corps so going to Ecuador will look good for that. I wish he would get active in the church though. I guess we just have to keep praying for him.
I better get to hang out with you this summer. I'm going to have two jobs also, but still. If I don't get to see you frequently I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to need relief from the family, and I'm not going to have anyone else to talk to about Provo life. Especially the Moho's! Haha. I freaking miss you.
Love you tons. I have to go take a test. And then I have no homework the rest of the week. Sweet relief and birthday. :)
Natalie
PS--What's your favorite Disney princess? I can't decide...Belle is really pretty and stuff, but Pocahontas is hardcore and can use a bow and arrow and stuff. And Ariel is a mermaid. Decisions, decisions.
Email #5
Hey Sunshine, thought I'd just email you about my fabulous weekend!
Thursday was a fabulous day--I was very productive and did really well on the psychology quizzes that I didn't study for. Then I went to the Killers concert with Jay, and that was absolutely amazing. I had so much fun. They were SO GOOD. Then I stayed up late talking to Mike and reading a book. So good.
Friday I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Collin. He wanted to go hiking with me in the canyon. I was delighted because Collin rarely initiates anything social like that so I said of course I would go with him. I wore my new Chacos and we drove up the canyon. Neither of us had any idea where we were going, but we finally found a trail. His crappy car almost died, so it was quite an adventure. We walked pretty far up the trail, not knowing where it went, and finally stopped at a little campsite. It was awesome. We sat on this big rock and you could see out over Provo and Utah Lake. There was a really nice breeze too. We sat there for like two hours just talking and enjoying the view. Somehow he convinced me to give him a massage but I made him give me one too. Finally we left because he had a date that night he had to get ready for. It was great fun though. I didn't realize how cool Collin is. We had some really good serious conversations and some fun ones too. And it wasn't awkward at all. I had a really good time.
I went home to find that I was sunburned, and that I have a Chaco tanline on my feet. Huzzah! Hehe it looks so funny. I washed up and then went to dinner with Mike and his mom. After we took his mom home we hung out with some of the mohos and met a new one. He's really cool and we got his number. We left and made brownies at this kid Andrew's house and then watched a movie. Way fun. Mike and Andrew are really cool kids.
Saturday I slept in really late, and then ran errands. I called Cameron and wished him happy birthday. He doesn't leave until September so we'll get to hang out with him before he leaves. Collin and I decided to go on an adventure, and neither of us had been to Utah Lake, so off we went. Apparently you have to pay to get into the park, but it was only a couple of dollars, so I paid for Collin (apparently this was a date. lol). We walked out on the rocks as far as we could go, and we sat and talked for a while as the sun went down. It was really lovely. Until the bugs started eating us. So we went back to his house and watched this movie called "Envy" but it was really dumb. So we turned it off, got shakes from Wendy's, and went up to the Y-mount parking lot to eat them. Finally I took him home.
Church was fabulous on Sunday--I actually have people to talk to and sit by at church. Yay for being social in this ward! Grandma's house was good, although Brian was supposed to come with me and he didn't make it. He and Charlie were in Salt Lake for some Gay Pride festival. (They asked me to go, but I kindly declined).
Also, I'm reading "Cry, the Beloved Country" which is an amazingly inspirational book. So good. You would love it.
So I had a fabulous weekend and I just wanted to tell you about it! Alas, now I have to go do homework. I'm at the library and it's freezing!!! I hecka miss you! Only a few more weeks until I come home. Yay! Tell your fam I said hello. Love you tons.
Natalie
Thursday was a fabulous day--I was very productive and did really well on the psychology quizzes that I didn't study for. Then I went to the Killers concert with Jay, and that was absolutely amazing. I had so much fun. They were SO GOOD. Then I stayed up late talking to Mike and reading a book. So good.
Friday I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Collin. He wanted to go hiking with me in the canyon. I was delighted because Collin rarely initiates anything social like that so I said of course I would go with him. I wore my new Chacos and we drove up the canyon. Neither of us had any idea where we were going, but we finally found a trail. His crappy car almost died, so it was quite an adventure. We walked pretty far up the trail, not knowing where it went, and finally stopped at a little campsite. It was awesome. We sat on this big rock and you could see out over Provo and Utah Lake. There was a really nice breeze too. We sat there for like two hours just talking and enjoying the view. Somehow he convinced me to give him a massage but I made him give me one too. Finally we left because he had a date that night he had to get ready for. It was great fun though. I didn't realize how cool Collin is. We had some really good serious conversations and some fun ones too. And it wasn't awkward at all. I had a really good time.
I went home to find that I was sunburned, and that I have a Chaco tanline on my feet. Huzzah! Hehe it looks so funny. I washed up and then went to dinner with Mike and his mom. After we took his mom home we hung out with some of the mohos and met a new one. He's really cool and we got his number. We left and made brownies at this kid Andrew's house and then watched a movie. Way fun. Mike and Andrew are really cool kids.
Saturday I slept in really late, and then ran errands. I called Cameron and wished him happy birthday. He doesn't leave until September so we'll get to hang out with him before he leaves. Collin and I decided to go on an adventure, and neither of us had been to Utah Lake, so off we went. Apparently you have to pay to get into the park, but it was only a couple of dollars, so I paid for Collin (apparently this was a date. lol). We walked out on the rocks as far as we could go, and we sat and talked for a while as the sun went down. It was really lovely. Until the bugs started eating us. So we went back to his house and watched this movie called "Envy" but it was really dumb. So we turned it off, got shakes from Wendy's, and went up to the Y-mount parking lot to eat them. Finally I took him home.
Church was fabulous on Sunday--I actually have people to talk to and sit by at church. Yay for being social in this ward! Grandma's house was good, although Brian was supposed to come with me and he didn't make it. He and Charlie were in Salt Lake for some Gay Pride festival. (They asked me to go, but I kindly declined).
Also, I'm reading "Cry, the Beloved Country" which is an amazingly inspirational book. So good. You would love it.
So I had a fabulous weekend and I just wanted to tell you about it! Alas, now I have to go do homework. I'm at the library and it's freezing!!! I hecka miss you! Only a few more weeks until I come home. Yay! Tell your fam I said hello. Love you tons.
Natalie
Email #4
Sunshine!!!!!!!
Oh man I've been looking forward to this email SO FREAKING MUCH you have no idea. I'm sitting here in the library (just came from class) and I was laughing and smiling and stuff at your email. I don't think anyone noticed though, and I don't care! I miss you hecka bad fool. No joke, yesterday I saw the first group of EFY kids going to dinner and then later having a dance, and I was so tempted to call you and reminisce on EFY past. I was thinking about how weird it is that when we were here for EFY I didn't know my way around and everything was unfamiliar, and now I live here. So weird. I remember we took pics with the Y in the background, and that funny guy Brett that we renamed Stewy and all those other crazy things. I felt so OLD. I mean, that was three years ago. And now I'm a sophomore in college with almost 50 credits. I mean, what the heck. So weird.
I'm so happy about your shower. I bet it was amazing. Showers are great anyway, but after that many days, I bet it was the greatest shower in human history. You should record it in detail for posterity's sake. And I'm so glad you're feeling better, especially that you're well enough to go on dates. That's the important thing. Haha.
And I can't believe StringBean left! He really has matured, and as odd as he is, he is a really good guy. Maybe when he gets back from his mission he'll be super hot and suave and he'll return to sweep you off your feet and steal you away. Maybe. But yeah, that was really funny when you sent me that text. I wanted to tell Mark what it said but then I remembered he doesn't know about Charlie. He hasn't even met Charlie yet. Hahaha.
Charlie is good I suppose. He's settled into Provo quite nicely, although to be honest I haven't really talked to him the past couple of days. It's cool though. We hung out on Friday. I'm proud of myself for not relying on him as much as I used to. So that situation is lovely.
As for me? I'm fabulous. School stress varies weekly. One week it's super easy, another week I'm swamped with homework. My roommates are awesome, as I've already stated, so no problems there. We don't even mind sharing food and stuff. It's great. And CLEAN. Haha.
I've been hanging out with Mark a lot, as I mentioned. We are so alike, it's insane. But no, I'm not attracted to him. Sometimes I wish I were because then life would be so much easier, but alas, I'm not. So he's just a cool friend that I contact daily in some form or another. I also exposed him to a couple of the Moho's. It was sort of awkward because they were the guys that I don't really like to hang out with, but I was hanging out with them to be nice. Mark came and kept me sane. He thought it was funny and didn't mind at all that they were all flamingly gay. Then Mike came over the other night when Mark was at my house. Mike was totally open about being gay and stuff and he and Mark got along well. After Mike left, Mark said he seemed like a really cool guy. So I was pleased with that interaction. Mike is one of my favorite people, and since he lives next door I see a lot of him, much to my delight.
I met this uber cute guy in sacrament meeting, who happens to be from Roseville. He was hilarious and really friendly, and we hung out a lot at the ward activity on Monday (aren't you proud? I'm being social in this ward!). Unfortunately, he just graduated and is only here until late July before he moves to Irvine, CA to start his new job. I'm so bad at this game of getting guys.
I'm loving my music class though, and I'm succeeding in my psychology class, so it's great. At first I didn't like having so few people on campus, but now I do---the library is never crowded and it's very relaxed.
I miss you and Julie like crazy though. As much as my roommates are cool to talk to, they aren't nearly as entertaining as you too. Or crude. I sort of stifle my crude comments and your mom jokes around them. And I haven't broken the honor code in like a week! Haha. Maybe these roommates will save me. :)
As for Peter, we still talk online and email on Facebook. I'm sort of glad he's in another state too because I don't think I'd know how to act around him if he were here. I mean, I can't flirt or anything if I know he has a girlfriend, can I? It's weird though, cuz I keep remembering little things that seemed to indicate he was interested in me, and yet, I have no idea now if that was just me wanting him to be interested. Also I remember two little things about his girlfriend that I just didn't realize before. In his scriptures he had that paper that said "Emma and Peter" and had retarded sacrament meeting drawings. Also I remember looking through his phone and he had some texts from Emma. At the time I didn't know who she was so I just figured it was some friend of his. And Mark told me that that night we went out with his brothers, Samuel asked me if I was going to India too (like Peter's last girlfriend did), and Mark quickly said I didn't know about India. Apparently I hadn't heard either of them, so I asked what he said and he just said nothing. So yeah, there were little clues, but I just didn't get it. In the mean time, I'm sort of just waiting around to see if things work out with his girlfriend. And if they don't, I'm going to be ALL over that. Ha. And I doubt Mark is interested in me.
Also, I'm REALLY GLAD that you ignored Matt and that he's finally getting the picture. I was ready to tell him that if he ever talks to you again I would stab him in the eye, but luckily I don't have to do that anymore. Good thing too, cuz I don't think it's very Christ-like to stab people in the eye.
And I'm sure your parents don't mind getting things for you. They're probably just happy you're alive. I wouldn't mind getting things for you! You guys took care of me when I was sick. :)
Congrats on getting in to the Jerusalem program thing!!!! I was secretly hoping you would decide not to go because I want you all to myself, but I really am happy for you. How often do you get to go to Israel? I mean seriously, this will be such a great experience for you. And I know it's something you've always wanted to do. Yay for fulfilled dreams!!! So now, if we never get married, we can at least say that you went to Jerusalem and I learned how to play bells. Hahaha. Careful though--you'll be on the same(ish) continent as StringBean! :) I really will miss having you as a roommate. You better have email access so I can contact you or else I may go insane. Luckily Julie will be around. She's going to be mega sad though. I think she should move to Cali. But that's just me. And if we have a crazy roommate, we'll just make sure she moves out. But wait--you'll be living with us in the winter right? You better!
Dude this is MEGA long. I better let you go, and I better go get some studying done! Hope you have a fabulous week! If you can ever get your phone to work, give me a call sometime and we can chat it up! Love you lots and I can't wait to see you in less than a month!!
Natalie
Oh man I've been looking forward to this email SO FREAKING MUCH you have no idea. I'm sitting here in the library (just came from class) and I was laughing and smiling and stuff at your email. I don't think anyone noticed though, and I don't care! I miss you hecka bad fool. No joke, yesterday I saw the first group of EFY kids going to dinner and then later having a dance, and I was so tempted to call you and reminisce on EFY past. I was thinking about how weird it is that when we were here for EFY I didn't know my way around and everything was unfamiliar, and now I live here. So weird. I remember we took pics with the Y in the background, and that funny guy Brett that we renamed Stewy and all those other crazy things. I felt so OLD. I mean, that was three years ago. And now I'm a sophomore in college with almost 50 credits. I mean, what the heck. So weird.
I'm so happy about your shower. I bet it was amazing. Showers are great anyway, but after that many days, I bet it was the greatest shower in human history. You should record it in detail for posterity's sake. And I'm so glad you're feeling better, especially that you're well enough to go on dates. That's the important thing. Haha.
And I can't believe StringBean left! He really has matured, and as odd as he is, he is a really good guy. Maybe when he gets back from his mission he'll be super hot and suave and he'll return to sweep you off your feet and steal you away. Maybe. But yeah, that was really funny when you sent me that text. I wanted to tell Mark what it said but then I remembered he doesn't know about Charlie. He hasn't even met Charlie yet. Hahaha.
Charlie is good I suppose. He's settled into Provo quite nicely, although to be honest I haven't really talked to him the past couple of days. It's cool though. We hung out on Friday. I'm proud of myself for not relying on him as much as I used to. So that situation is lovely.
As for me? I'm fabulous. School stress varies weekly. One week it's super easy, another week I'm swamped with homework. My roommates are awesome, as I've already stated, so no problems there. We don't even mind sharing food and stuff. It's great. And CLEAN. Haha.
I've been hanging out with Mark a lot, as I mentioned. We are so alike, it's insane. But no, I'm not attracted to him. Sometimes I wish I were because then life would be so much easier, but alas, I'm not. So he's just a cool friend that I contact daily in some form or another. I also exposed him to a couple of the Moho's. It was sort of awkward because they were the guys that I don't really like to hang out with, but I was hanging out with them to be nice. Mark came and kept me sane. He thought it was funny and didn't mind at all that they were all flamingly gay. Then Mike came over the other night when Mark was at my house. Mike was totally open about being gay and stuff and he and Mark got along well. After Mike left, Mark said he seemed like a really cool guy. So I was pleased with that interaction. Mike is one of my favorite people, and since he lives next door I see a lot of him, much to my delight.
I met this uber cute guy in sacrament meeting, who happens to be from Roseville. He was hilarious and really friendly, and we hung out a lot at the ward activity on Monday (aren't you proud? I'm being social in this ward!). Unfortunately, he just graduated and is only here until late July before he moves to Irvine, CA to start his new job. I'm so bad at this game of getting guys.
I'm loving my music class though, and I'm succeeding in my psychology class, so it's great. At first I didn't like having so few people on campus, but now I do---the library is never crowded and it's very relaxed.
I miss you and Julie like crazy though. As much as my roommates are cool to talk to, they aren't nearly as entertaining as you too. Or crude. I sort of stifle my crude comments and your mom jokes around them. And I haven't broken the honor code in like a week! Haha. Maybe these roommates will save me. :)
As for Peter, we still talk online and email on Facebook. I'm sort of glad he's in another state too because I don't think I'd know how to act around him if he were here. I mean, I can't flirt or anything if I know he has a girlfriend, can I? It's weird though, cuz I keep remembering little things that seemed to indicate he was interested in me, and yet, I have no idea now if that was just me wanting him to be interested. Also I remember two little things about his girlfriend that I just didn't realize before. In his scriptures he had that paper that said "Emma and Peter" and had retarded sacrament meeting drawings. Also I remember looking through his phone and he had some texts from Emma. At the time I didn't know who she was so I just figured it was some friend of his. And Mark told me that that night we went out with his brothers, Samuel asked me if I was going to India too (like Peter's last girlfriend did), and Mark quickly said I didn't know about India. Apparently I hadn't heard either of them, so I asked what he said and he just said nothing. So yeah, there were little clues, but I just didn't get it. In the mean time, I'm sort of just waiting around to see if things work out with his girlfriend. And if they don't, I'm going to be ALL over that. Ha. And I doubt Mark is interested in me.
Also, I'm REALLY GLAD that you ignored Matt and that he's finally getting the picture. I was ready to tell him that if he ever talks to you again I would stab him in the eye, but luckily I don't have to do that anymore. Good thing too, cuz I don't think it's very Christ-like to stab people in the eye.
And I'm sure your parents don't mind getting things for you. They're probably just happy you're alive. I wouldn't mind getting things for you! You guys took care of me when I was sick. :)
Congrats on getting in to the Jerusalem program thing!!!! I was secretly hoping you would decide not to go because I want you all to myself, but I really am happy for you. How often do you get to go to Israel? I mean seriously, this will be such a great experience for you. And I know it's something you've always wanted to do. Yay for fulfilled dreams!!! So now, if we never get married, we can at least say that you went to Jerusalem and I learned how to play bells. Hahaha. Careful though--you'll be on the same(ish) continent as StringBean! :) I really will miss having you as a roommate. You better have email access so I can contact you or else I may go insane. Luckily Julie will be around. She's going to be mega sad though. I think she should move to Cali. But that's just me. And if we have a crazy roommate, we'll just make sure she moves out. But wait--you'll be living with us in the winter right? You better!
Dude this is MEGA long. I better let you go, and I better go get some studying done! Hope you have a fabulous week! If you can ever get your phone to work, give me a call sometime and we can chat it up! Love you lots and I can't wait to see you in less than a month!!
Natalie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)