It's time I posted again.

This is an email to Sunshine. The first of many.

So it's 11:30. That's the earliest I've been in my pjs yet. I was actually about to go to bed, but I felt like sending you an email.

I haven't talked to Peter [not the same as Pete from A Story]. He's never online, and I'm not bold enough to call him. Sad huh? We text-ed back and forth a couple of times on Sunday but that's the extent of our contact. He says his job "blows" and I told him to come back to Utah, which he didn't respond to. Uhh...

Things with Charlie, as I'm sure you want to know, are going well. I'm going to take a moment to give you your own personal blog about Charlie written by yours truly, Natalie. No one else gets to read this--this is just for you. :) This may sound cheesy and somewhat lame, so I apologize ahead of time.

So having Charlie out here has been good in some ways, and not-so-good in others. It's great to see him all the time, to not be missing him, and, to be quite honest, to smell him. Gosh I love that smell. But I digress.

The bad things? Well, I suppose it goes back to Peter really. You see, after falling in love with Charlie, I was done for. I honestly thought I'd never find anyone with whom I could be closer. I had very low expectations of finding a guy out here, though goodness knows I wanted to and I tried. Then Peter came along, more of a game at first than anything. But I found that I really enjoyed being around him. And he apparently enjoyed being around me because he kept hanging out with me. At first, I really didn't think Peter would cut it as a boyfriend. I'm way too emotional and in need of care to go out with someone who can't be serious (okay, I'm not THAT emotional, but seriously, I'm worse than you know. I'm just good at hiding it).

Anyway, despite my low expectations for Peter, I found that I wanted to be around him more and more, and that even when we had just spent the better part of the day together that we could talk for hours. It was rarely serious, but that's why it was so amazing--we weren't talking about ANYTHING in particular, and yet we weren't bored with each other.

So I finally admitted to myself that I had a "crush" on this boy--the first guy I've liked since Charlie. The first straight guy I've liked in a year and a half. Congrats to him just for that. I was really hesitant to expect anything, and I was even more hesitant to want anything. I didn't want to be disappointed yet again, and I wasn't sure if I was still in love with Charlie.

Ew this sounds like a soap opera. Sorry.

Anyway, I decided that I would know when Charlie moved out here whether or not I still liked him. After all, it really wasn't that long ago that we talked about dating/marriage... I also thought that if Peter and I could keep in touch over the summer that we could get to know each other better so that I could better decide in the fall what I wanted.

Charlie has been here for two weeks. There have been days when I think I'm still in love with him. There have been more days where I think this could never work. Little things really. Besides the fact that he's gay and that I'll never be enough for him, he has a lower regard for the rules than I would like. He's also a little more stiffnecked than I would like. And--and I hate to say this is the worst of all, but seriously, I've been more upset about this than anything else--he is not cuddly.

I'm shallow. I know. It's just that that's how I show love to people. I like to play with their hair, or put my arm around them, or lay my head in their lap... With some of the Mohos I even hold hands! It means nothing romantically--I don't get anything out of it--other than I feel like we're really close and that I just love them! But I can't do that with Charlie. He's not cuddly. And it makes me sad that I can't show my love to him that way because I'm afraid he will be uncomfortable. I confronted him about it tonight (I LOATHE confronting people--it was so hard and I felt so lame) and told him how I felt. He said he didn't mind if I wanted to lay in his lap or whatever, but that he just isn't that cuddly. Problem solved as far as awkwardness goes, but still--I think I am just the type of person that needs to feel loved in return, and non-cuddlyness is certainly not conducive to that.

Anyway that was really long-winded. But the more I think about it, the more I think that things between Charlie and I just aren't going to work. Which is fine. And I could be wrong in the end. But whatever. It's slightly sad, but I think that's just because I'm pathetic with straight guys. I can never get them to stick around. I think liking Charlie gave me the excuse of, "He only doesn't like me because he's gay," rather than, "why don't any of the straight guys like me? Is there something wrong with me?" Yeah, you'd pick Charlie too.

So basically, I'm not pushing anything with Charlie. I'm letting it go wherever, and "wherever" is probably not romance, sadly enough. I suddenly find myself with new motivation to talk to Peter. I plan on sending him an email as soon as I'm done with this one.

That's where things are with Charlie and Peter.

In other news, Joseph is the sweetest guy. He invited me to go to the Killers concert with him at the end of May. His brother bought tickets for his birthday, and Joseph picked me of all people to go with him! I'm excited.

Also, psychology basically bites. Music 202 is pretty good. We're going to PF Chang's tomorrow for lunch. The roommates are awesome. I love them all. I know a girl that is getting married to a gay guy--this girl is amazing--if anyone can do it, she can. I just don't know anymore if I could. Ha. Let's hope things with Peter work out, or that I find a new crush in the ward or something. Ha.

How are things in Cowtown? What did Matt give you? Has Scott called and bugged you yet? Is your house still insane? How's Brenden? I expect an email soon. Although you dont have to write as much as me--this was probably really boring. I'll stop now.

Love you,

Natalie