Email #3

Always from me to Sunshine.

Dearest dearest Sunshine,

You have no idea how excited I was to get your email. It honestly made me cry...All the awful things you went through, and the amazing testimony you have. I can't imagine how horrible it was, and I don't think I'd be strong enough for that, but you were. And you have such an amazingly positive outlook on it still. I really feel lucky to be your friend. I would be your guardian angel anytime--I feel like it would benefit me more than it would you! I really love you Sunshine, and I miss you so much. I love that you replied and are still worried about how my life is going. It really makes me feel loved.

I don't doubt that you are disgusting. :) But I've always liked that lion hair. Haha. But just think how amazing that shower is going to be when you finally can. Soon you will be better and soon you will be clean. I would get you a jamba if I were there, but you know...I'm not there.

My romance life. Um. Right now it's like the opposite of romance. Yeah, I think I'm basically done with Charlie. I wish he would go to Church though...Collin and I will keep trying. I just keep hoping that he'll have some amazing spiritual experience and remember what it's all about, but it hasn't happened. I appreciate your prayers for him. And yes, I know Collin and Charlie sent you a card. It wasn't even my idea either. They are just sweeties.

As far as Peter goes...well...I thought I was getting good signs. Until I went on Peter's Facebook profile and saw that he is "in a relationship with Emma so-and-so." What the heck? I couldn't figure it out--I mean, he and I have gone on dates. There's no way he could have a girlfriend. And I don't even remember him ever mentioning an Emma.

So I questioned Mark. Apparently Peter's girlfriend (this Emma girl) went to India to teach English or something. They broke things off when she left so that they both could date around and stuff. Which explains why he's gone on dates with me. Mark said he doesn't know if they'll get back together or not when she comes home--it could go either way. So I carefully brought it up with Peter. Apparently they've been dating for about six months. I asked when she comes home. When he said the end of June, I said that must be exciting. He said yes. I asked if he missed her and he didn't respond. I said that was probably a stupid question and he said yeah. So it looks as if he still likes her. Which sucks.

I can't say I'm all heartbroken or anything, but I am disappointed. I thought maybe I should date Mark instead (he and I have SO much in common it's insane) but that would always be slightly weird since I'mm more attracted Peter. And that wouldn't really be fair to Mark.

Argh. Boys are a disappointment. No more about them for now. I have too many random stories.

Also, I think if Matt doesnt leave you alone I'm going to stab him in the eye. Ok I would be nicer than that. But seriously. Can I talk to him? I promise to be nice. You should give me his email. I won't argue with him. I just want to email him.

Man, did I tell you you're amazing? And congrats about sky diving. Also, Castro...yeah, I don't even want to go there. You're totally right--so trashy. I love my "moho's." It's a shame that there are so many disgusting gays in SF though. And you know something? Charlie loves going to gay clubs in Castro. SO SAD. That boy...*shakes head.*

Oh man this email is losing focus. I'm tired and Julie is going to call me cuz I haven't talked to her for weeks. Sorry this is ending lame. You should read my blog for more info on my life. I'm too lazy to type it twice. Hahaha. You get the more detailed stuff though of course. I love you so much Sunshine. I miss you tons. And I will totally go see Hairspray with you! Have a good week. I hope you get to feeling better. Just read some good books to pass the time. Love you tons!!! Muah!

Natalie

Email #2

From me to Sunshine.

Hey love,

You had me really worried for a couple of days. That Saturday morning I was so worried I broke down crying in Charlie's car. Luckily Charlie is cool, but man, was I worried. Imagine how glad I am to hear you are out of ICU and doing better! I'm so sorry you had to go through so much crap. Charlene and I wish we could have split the pain with you, but I suppose life doesn't work that way.

I've actually been pretty busy the past week. Go figure. Last Friday night I went camping with Charlie and Joseph. It was lots of fun. We found this great place up the canyon past Spanish Fork. We made a fire and then the three of us snuggled and watched the stars. I wished you had been there because we didn't know any of the constellations except the stupid Big Dipper. :) Charlie, who is normally not very cuddly (remember the last email I sent you), was suddenly very cuddly when we were camping. He kept playing with my hair and we actually fell asleep holding hands. Uhh...

I mean, I didn't complain. But I knew it didn't mean anything, and I knew it was a one-time deal. I was right--things went back to normal after that. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I guess it just gave me hope that he has fewer problems with physical intimacy than I had previously thought. In fact, I mentioned that to him; I told him he probably was more capable of marrying a girl than he thought. His response was that he doesn't want to marry a girl. At all.

Not that I didn't already know that. He hasn't been going to Church. Basically the only reason he's not dating a guy is because he hasn't found one he likes. Collin and I were talking about it, and I think it hurts Collin more than he'll let on. Charlie used to be so strong in the Church, and now he's very flaky about it. I worry, and I know Collin worries. I was talking to Mike the other day about this and I mentioned that I think I could marry a gay guy as long as he was rock-solid in the Church. Because as long as I knew that, I knew we could work through all of the other issues. And that's basically why I can't marry Charlie.

It's so weird, Sunshine, to think that a few months ago I honestly thought that maybe I was supposed to marry Charlie. And now, I know I just can't. It would never work. And I used to depend on him so much. I don't depend on him as much anymore. I'm learning how to depend on myself. It's sort of scary...but I can't depend on him if he keeps going in the direction he is. I suppose we'll just have to see what happens.

Dang it I got off on another soap-opera rant.

Ok back to life.

The day after camping I was mega tired and mega worried about you, so I went home and showered and slept for a really long time. I pretty much just hid the entire day.

Sunday was much better. Our ward meets at 1:00, so I slept in. I was sort of bored in Church, but I sat by this awesome girl Mena. She reminds me of Stephany Rosen a lot--a big girl, but very cute, with a very loud and slightly obnoxious manner about her. I love it. She is really nice and really amazing. So we had fun.

Charlie came with Rebecca, David, and I to dinner at my grandparents house for Mother's Day. It was crazy because there were so many people, but still fun. My grandpa wants Charlie to come back next time too. Haha. Monday was sort of boring, but then I went to FHE. I didn't know anyone there except Cheryl's friend Terri, but I met a lot of cool people and actually had a good time. Then Mike and I went to Barne's and Noble where I bought some new books. Yay! Next we went to one of Mike's friends' house...Ty Mansfield. He was one of the writers of "In Quiet Desperation." He was really cool and so was his house-mate. Both were gay, but the kind that are mega devoted to the Church. We made cookies. :)

Tuesday I got out of psychology early, and I was reading a book when I got a text from Peter asking what I was doing. I said nothing, and asked him what was up. Apparently he and Mark quit their job in North Dakota and had made their way back to Provo. Mark's brother Pan was going into the MTC the next day, so Mark was busy with family. Peter came over for a bit and we just chatted. It was lovely to see his gorgeous face again. *sigh*

I then went to Rebecca and David's house for dinner. It was David's birthday, and he and Rebecca had been so fond of Charlie that they invited him too. My older brother also just moved to Provo for the summer so he came. The five of us had a fun little dinner, then I returned home and called Peter. He came over and we started watching the "Shawshank Redemption." Then Mark called and wanted us to go get food with him and his brothers.

So we went to Beto's. I wasn't hungry but I ordered some rice so I wouldn't have to stare at everyone else eating. Peter paid for me. Mark's brother Samuel had his girlfriend with him, and because I came with Peter it sort of seemed like I was Peter's girlfriend. And he paid for me. Umm... I didn't complain. :) Mark's brother Pan was really funny. He told Samuel's girlfriend that she wouldn't fit in their family because she was really quiet. We all laughed and then he turned to me and said that I would fit perfectly in their family. When he left, I wished him luck and said maybe I'd see him in two years. He said, "Yeah, maybe you'll marry Mark or Peter. That would be cool." I laughed and said perhaps.

Peter and I made our way back to my house to finish the movie and Mark came for the tail end. Peter and I were sitting pretty closely on the couch, our arms touching the whole time, and we shared a foot rest. Bah. I'm smitten.

The next morning I had to take Rebecca to the airport, and I convinced Peter to come with so I wouldn't have to drive back alone. Then he drove me to class. I swear, I had the hardest time concentrating.

I came home and tried to study but ended up falling asleep. Finally Peter and Mark came over and the three of us went to see the Ninja Turtles movie. Then we went and got food, and went to Peter's future apartment to play games. Peter kicked our trash at Scene It. At like 1am I finally left. I said goodbye to Peter again, and then drove Mark home.

Peter left for DC yesterday. Apparently he has a friend there that offered him a job. Mark is staying here for spring and summer.

It was really great to have him here again. Like "old times." Ha. Really though, I have so much fun just being around those guys. Mark came over last night to make dinner with me, and then again later to watch a movie. I have a lot in common with Mark, which is perfect because he's Peter's best friend. So if Mark compliments Peter, and I'm just like Mark...I would be the ideal girl for Peter...I'm just saying. :)

And I've been really lazy about doing homework and stuff, but I'm to the point where I don't really care. Joseph text-ed me several times a day after our camping trip, which got slightly annoying, but I think he gave up. I'm a bad friend sometimes, I swear. I guess I just don't like it when people act less cool than me. I don't really think I'm that cool, and I like to hang out with people who are cooler or the same coolness as me. But when people act like I'm the cooler one, it's weird. I mean, I'm not that cool, and if I'm cooler than them, what does that say about them? Anyway. Joseph is still cool, I was just getting annoyed with the texting. But he stopped.

Oh my gosh I'm so long-winded. This is like the longest email of all time.

I guess I just want to tell you everything because normally you know everything about my life.

I miss having you here.

Feel better my friend. I can't wait to be out there with you. Feel free to respond or not respond. I will probably just keep sending you long emails. Haha. Love you.

Natalie

It's time I posted again.

This is an email to Sunshine. The first of many.

So it's 11:30. That's the earliest I've been in my pjs yet. I was actually about to go to bed, but I felt like sending you an email.

I haven't talked to Peter [not the same as Pete from A Story]. He's never online, and I'm not bold enough to call him. Sad huh? We text-ed back and forth a couple of times on Sunday but that's the extent of our contact. He says his job "blows" and I told him to come back to Utah, which he didn't respond to. Uhh...

Things with Charlie, as I'm sure you want to know, are going well. I'm going to take a moment to give you your own personal blog about Charlie written by yours truly, Natalie. No one else gets to read this--this is just for you. :) This may sound cheesy and somewhat lame, so I apologize ahead of time.

So having Charlie out here has been good in some ways, and not-so-good in others. It's great to see him all the time, to not be missing him, and, to be quite honest, to smell him. Gosh I love that smell. But I digress.

The bad things? Well, I suppose it goes back to Peter really. You see, after falling in love with Charlie, I was done for. I honestly thought I'd never find anyone with whom I could be closer. I had very low expectations of finding a guy out here, though goodness knows I wanted to and I tried. Then Peter came along, more of a game at first than anything. But I found that I really enjoyed being around him. And he apparently enjoyed being around me because he kept hanging out with me. At first, I really didn't think Peter would cut it as a boyfriend. I'm way too emotional and in need of care to go out with someone who can't be serious (okay, I'm not THAT emotional, but seriously, I'm worse than you know. I'm just good at hiding it).

Anyway, despite my low expectations for Peter, I found that I wanted to be around him more and more, and that even when we had just spent the better part of the day together that we could talk for hours. It was rarely serious, but that's why it was so amazing--we weren't talking about ANYTHING in particular, and yet we weren't bored with each other.

So I finally admitted to myself that I had a "crush" on this boy--the first guy I've liked since Charlie. The first straight guy I've liked in a year and a half. Congrats to him just for that. I was really hesitant to expect anything, and I was even more hesitant to want anything. I didn't want to be disappointed yet again, and I wasn't sure if I was still in love with Charlie.

Ew this sounds like a soap opera. Sorry.

Anyway, I decided that I would know when Charlie moved out here whether or not I still liked him. After all, it really wasn't that long ago that we talked about dating/marriage... I also thought that if Peter and I could keep in touch over the summer that we could get to know each other better so that I could better decide in the fall what I wanted.

Charlie has been here for two weeks. There have been days when I think I'm still in love with him. There have been more days where I think this could never work. Little things really. Besides the fact that he's gay and that I'll never be enough for him, he has a lower regard for the rules than I would like. He's also a little more stiffnecked than I would like. And--and I hate to say this is the worst of all, but seriously, I've been more upset about this than anything else--he is not cuddly.

I'm shallow. I know. It's just that that's how I show love to people. I like to play with their hair, or put my arm around them, or lay my head in their lap... With some of the Mohos I even hold hands! It means nothing romantically--I don't get anything out of it--other than I feel like we're really close and that I just love them! But I can't do that with Charlie. He's not cuddly. And it makes me sad that I can't show my love to him that way because I'm afraid he will be uncomfortable. I confronted him about it tonight (I LOATHE confronting people--it was so hard and I felt so lame) and told him how I felt. He said he didn't mind if I wanted to lay in his lap or whatever, but that he just isn't that cuddly. Problem solved as far as awkwardness goes, but still--I think I am just the type of person that needs to feel loved in return, and non-cuddlyness is certainly not conducive to that.

Anyway that was really long-winded. But the more I think about it, the more I think that things between Charlie and I just aren't going to work. Which is fine. And I could be wrong in the end. But whatever. It's slightly sad, but I think that's just because I'm pathetic with straight guys. I can never get them to stick around. I think liking Charlie gave me the excuse of, "He only doesn't like me because he's gay," rather than, "why don't any of the straight guys like me? Is there something wrong with me?" Yeah, you'd pick Charlie too.

So basically, I'm not pushing anything with Charlie. I'm letting it go wherever, and "wherever" is probably not romance, sadly enough. I suddenly find myself with new motivation to talk to Peter. I plan on sending him an email as soon as I'm done with this one.

That's where things are with Charlie and Peter.

In other news, Joseph is the sweetest guy. He invited me to go to the Killers concert with him at the end of May. His brother bought tickets for his birthday, and Joseph picked me of all people to go with him! I'm excited.

Also, psychology basically bites. Music 202 is pretty good. We're going to PF Chang's tomorrow for lunch. The roommates are awesome. I love them all. I know a girl that is getting married to a gay guy--this girl is amazing--if anyone can do it, she can. I just don't know anymore if I could. Ha. Let's hope things with Peter work out, or that I find a new crush in the ward or something. Ha.

How are things in Cowtown? What did Matt give you? Has Scott called and bugged you yet? Is your house still insane? How's Brenden? I expect an email soon. Although you dont have to write as much as me--this was probably really boring. I'll stop now.

Love you,

Natalie