A Night

My story about Charlie has ground to a halt. I feel like this blog has been pointless, like it was the notion of a silly girl who wanted to document the development of her infatuation with some equally silly boy.

The truth? I don't know if I love Charlie anymore.

In my last post that was exactly what I wanted. Funny how things change.

Charlie apologized for the way he talked to me that night. Even before he apologized I decided that I couldn't waste my life grieving over something I knew was already impossible. So I moved on rather quickly, and things went back to normal.

Charlie finally moved out here, and I helped him move in. Something had changed though. I'm not sure if it was him or me, but something in our relationship was different. We had less to talk about. I felt like I was annoying him by being around all the time. I also had no desire to tell him anything personal. Things carried on, of course, as if it were normal, and I don't even know if he noticed the change like I did. But there was definitely something different. And it made me sad that our friendship seemed to lack the joy and unreservedness it had not too long ago.

Today he wanted to see me. We made lunch and went shopping. It was fun. Still not as exciting as before, but at least I didn't feel awkward.

We watched a movie with Brian at my house tonight. I lay my head on a pillow against Charlie's leg. I fell asleep and after the movie he kept saying I was a loud sleeper or something. I made a comment that the front room smelled like him (I meant it as a good thing--I love how he smells) and he just retorted that it was because I had had my face in his lap or something. What the heck?

I sat in my car for a long time after he was gone, being really angry and miserable. Sometimes I let myself do that because I feel like I deserve to have a good pout. I was mad because I can't touch him. I can't play with his hair, or lean against him without worrying that he feels uncomfortable. Why?!?! He's one of my best friends! He should feel comfortable with me no matter what! With Brady, who I've only known for less than two months, I can cuddle with him and play with his hair lovingly, and that's not awkward. And yet, with my best friend, I can't even lean against his shoulder without worrying if it's awkward.

That ticks me off. Why can't I show him my affection? It's not even romantic! I know Charlie is gay! Why would I try to be romantic with I know it would do nothing for him? The answer: I wouldn't! I just want to show my affection to a friend that I dearly love, and every time I just feel rejected.

I have to pick up Collin from the airport tomorrow. Normally I would ask Charlie to come, but I don't think I will. I don't want to see him tomorrow, unless he calls me.

I should go to sleep. But I'm afraid. Afraid to turn the light off. Or to close my eyes. Because then tomorrow will come. And all I want is to stay here and elude time. I want to stay here where it's dark and quiet and I'm all alone so no one can hurt me. That is that awful truth. I'm tired of being hurt.

I sound so messed up inside. Does everyone get like this? Dear God, give me strength.