Conversations with Charlie

Last Tuesday night I had a really good talk with Charlie. I asked him if he had ever thought about us dating. He said yes, and we discussed our thoughts. We also talked about marriage and all the complicatednesses that would come with that. Nothing was decided--we aren't dating, nor will we be when he comes out here. But it was really good to finally talk about it. I felt so relieved afterwards. I was happier than I had been in a long time because he knows I love him and that I'm willing to love him forever.

Today that happiness is gone. We talked last night again, this time about whether gay relationships are wrong or not. For me, I can't forget that horrible dark absence of the Spirit I felt that night with Mike and Bryan. I've never felt so awful in my life. I don't know why gay relationships are wrong, I just know they are.

Charlie knows they are right. The only thing that's stopping him is that he hasn't found the right guy yet. That didn't completely surprise me, but it hurt to have it confirmed. I want so much more than that for Charlie. I want him to find happiness and peace in the Gospel. Yesterday I saw a man at the grocery store whose looks reminded me of Charlie. This man was pushing a cart with a little girl sitting in it. I could just see Charlie doing the same thing in a few years, pushing his own little girl in the shopping cart. I guess I was wrong.

But like I said, it didn't completely surprise me. I told him again that if he found the man of his dreams that I want to plan the ceremony, and that I would be happy as long as he was happy. I told him I would love him no matter what.

His response to that? "That's not enough. I feel like it's all or nothing..." All or nothing? So every prayer I've ever said in his behalf is worth nothing? Every night I spent crying myself to sleep because of him is nothing? All the pain I've suffered, the hurt, the tears, the prayers, the love, the aloneness, the missing, the wanting, the hoping--that's all worth nothing now?

I responded that I loved him. I told him I want him to be happy more than I've ever wanted anything, and if that means marrying another man, then his wedding day will be one of the happiest days of my life.

All he said to that was, "Well...ok, thanks." I don't know how else to make him see how much I care about him!!! I don't know how to make him understand!!!! Giving up, I went to bed after that, and cried myself to sleep again. God was merciful enough to let me sleep peacefully, but I felt miserable in the morning. I just can't shake the feeling that I will never be enough for him. I've given him more love than I knew I had, and that's still not enough. And I don't know how to be enough! I want to be enough! I want to give him all he needs! I want my love to be enough for him!! But it isn't enough for him, and it never will be.

I guess I just feel like I've failed. I've failed to give him all he's given me. And I know it's not my fault that I'm a girl and that he's gay. But somehow I feel like I should have done more. I should have been a better friend. I should have found a way to give him the love he needs.

The fact that I can't hurts more than anything.

It's funny how last week I was suddenly hopeful that things would work out--that someday Charlie might be willing to try to love me. Yesterday I was so excited that he's moving out here in 15 days. Today I wish he weren't coming. I wish he would stay far away from me, where I don't have to be in love with him, where he can only hurt me on the phone, or on IM. I don't want him to be here, sitting right next to me, and yet still unreachable.

He exhausts me. And I don't want to be in love with him anymore.