Conversations with Charlie

Last Tuesday night I had a really good talk with Charlie. I asked him if he had ever thought about us dating. He said yes, and we discussed our thoughts. We also talked about marriage and all the complicatednesses that would come with that. Nothing was decided--we aren't dating, nor will we be when he comes out here. But it was really good to finally talk about it. I felt so relieved afterwards. I was happier than I had been in a long time because he knows I love him and that I'm willing to love him forever.

Today that happiness is gone. We talked last night again, this time about whether gay relationships are wrong or not. For me, I can't forget that horrible dark absence of the Spirit I felt that night with Mike and Bryan. I've never felt so awful in my life. I don't know why gay relationships are wrong, I just know they are.

Charlie knows they are right. The only thing that's stopping him is that he hasn't found the right guy yet. That didn't completely surprise me, but it hurt to have it confirmed. I want so much more than that for Charlie. I want him to find happiness and peace in the Gospel. Yesterday I saw a man at the grocery store whose looks reminded me of Charlie. This man was pushing a cart with a little girl sitting in it. I could just see Charlie doing the same thing in a few years, pushing his own little girl in the shopping cart. I guess I was wrong.

But like I said, it didn't completely surprise me. I told him again that if he found the man of his dreams that I want to plan the ceremony, and that I would be happy as long as he was happy. I told him I would love him no matter what.

His response to that? "That's not enough. I feel like it's all or nothing..." All or nothing? So every prayer I've ever said in his behalf is worth nothing? Every night I spent crying myself to sleep because of him is nothing? All the pain I've suffered, the hurt, the tears, the prayers, the love, the aloneness, the missing, the wanting, the hoping--that's all worth nothing now?

I responded that I loved him. I told him I want him to be happy more than I've ever wanted anything, and if that means marrying another man, then his wedding day will be one of the happiest days of my life.

All he said to that was, "Well...ok, thanks." I don't know how else to make him see how much I care about him!!! I don't know how to make him understand!!!! Giving up, I went to bed after that, and cried myself to sleep again. God was merciful enough to let me sleep peacefully, but I felt miserable in the morning. I just can't shake the feeling that I will never be enough for him. I've given him more love than I knew I had, and that's still not enough. And I don't know how to be enough! I want to be enough! I want to give him all he needs! I want my love to be enough for him!! But it isn't enough for him, and it never will be.

I guess I just feel like I've failed. I've failed to give him all he's given me. And I know it's not my fault that I'm a girl and that he's gay. But somehow I feel like I should have done more. I should have been a better friend. I should have found a way to give him the love he needs.

The fact that I can't hurts more than anything.

It's funny how last week I was suddenly hopeful that things would work out--that someday Charlie might be willing to try to love me. Yesterday I was so excited that he's moving out here in 15 days. Today I wish he weren't coming. I wish he would stay far away from me, where I don't have to be in love with him, where he can only hurt me on the phone, or on IM. I don't want him to be here, sitting right next to me, and yet still unreachable.

He exhausts me. And I don't want to be in love with him anymore.

Missing

I'm feeling incredibly lonely right now. I miss Charlie. So badly. I don't know what's wrong with me. I need him. All I want is a hug from him. But I can't. He's in California. I have to wait like 20 days or something until he comes out here. I miss him.

I thought I was lonely for romance. And in some ways I am. But right now, I'm lonely for a friend. Charlie is the only person I can open up to. He's the only person who calls just to see how I'm doing, or who will stay up with me as late as I need him. But he's not here.

I could ask Brian to talk. But I don't even know what I want to talk about. I don't know how to open up to him. With Charlie, even when I don't know what's wrong or why I'm sad he just listens and calms me. I don't know if Brian knows how to do that. And I wouldn't want him to feel like he has to fix it. I just want one of those hugs that convince me I'm loved.

I think I'm feeling unloved because of my situation with Collin and Alex. I call both of them to hang out and they seem like they want to, and they seem like they have fun with me. But neither of them ever call me. I asked Collin why he never calls. He said it's because he's an "introvert." He said he will hang out with people if they call him, but he usually doesn't call people. And if no one calls him he'll just do something at home by himself.

I didn't tell him this, but that made me really mad. Why should I have to do all the work to be his friend? Am I not worth the effort for him to call me once in a while? A friendship involves two people. The burden of the friendship should fall equally on both people, not on one person only.

This makes me really mad because of what happened with Austin. When he and I were involved, I was the one who called every week. I planned our date when I was in Utah. I called him on Valentine's Day. He didn't do anything! It scared me when I realized I was doing all of the work because it made me realize that he didn't care enough about me to actually sustain a relationship. I was afraid that if I stopped calling our relationship would completely die.

I was right. Once I stopped contacting Austin, I never once heard from him. That hurt so bad. Am I not worth the work of being in a relationship? Am I that annoying? What's wrong with me? Am I really that worthless?

Great. And now I'm about to start crying as I sit here at the Wilk with a zillion people around.

I know in my head that I'm not worthless. I'm really not. But I get so scared sometimes. Why do I have problems with people loving me? Why don't guys ever ask me out? Why have I never had a real boyfriend? I feel like there's something wrong with me. Like there's some defect others see in me that I can't.

And what if I stopped contacting Alex or Collin? Would I lose their friendship? You might say their friendship isn't worth having if they aren't willing to sustain it. And that's true. But I really enjoy being with them. I don't want to give up on our friendship. And I don't want to be right like I was with Austin. I don't want to risk feeling unloved and worthless again.

And so here I sit, shunning human contact for fear of being hurt, and wanting so bad that Charlie were here.