Future memories

Some day I'm going to look back at this time of my life and relish what it's like to be in love. I'll probably remember how hard it was to say goodnight, and how calm and happy I'd feel as I made the same drive home, night after night.

Today he told me I'd make a good mother. I don't know why that made me so happy.

We spent the whole day together. It was way fun. I just love being with him. Later, he was reading for his Spanish class and I was just sitting there scratching his back. I had the sudden thought--What if he were suddenly gone? What if he were suddenly not a part of my life? I actually could have cried if I had let myself. I pray to God to keep him safe.

He always thinks I'm beautiful. Even on days when I feel like I look especially disheveled he compliments me on something or other. It amazes me every time.

And it's sort of funny...Every day I'm less and less afraid of getting married. Not ready right now of course, but still. Less afraid, and more...excited...

They way we see you

I've never had real self-esteem problems. Yes, there have been (and still are) things about myself that I'm not particularly fond of, but they've never bothered me to the point of really messing me up. I know I'm pretty and smart and talented. Not perfect, but still, attractive.

But for some reason, I've always had a hard time believing that others see me that way. I suppose it's because I just haven't received a lot of attention that points to people thinking I'm beautiful. But still, I knew I was beautiful and I figured that was good enough. Maybe I didn't adore myself but I liked myself.

I remember once for a YW activity we did "glamor shots." Sister Hoffstrand set up her photography studio in the church and Sister Murphy did our makeup. Then we posed in several different ways as our pictures were taken. A few weeks later, we were all given a framed copy of our best picture with a caption that said, "The greatest gift that we could give would be for you to see yourself as we see you." And even though it was a cheesy activity and I was an awkward teenager with braces, that is still one of my favorite pictures. I really think I look beautiful in it.

I really like the message of that caption. Maybe I like myself, but I had never really seen myself through the eyes of someone that unconditionally loves me. To them, I was beautiful in every way--even in my awkwardness and braces.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out why I've been so happy the past week. Yeah, I got a boyfriend and school has been going fairly well, but I've been...I don't know...more confident. More willing to laugh. I rarely think about sad things, and when I do, I can easily cheer myself up.

And why? One word: Mark. Really, I never realized how good for me this relationship would be. I'm rarely self-conscious about anything with him. When I think my hair looks lame, he thinks it looks sexy. When I think I'm wearing bummy clothes, he thinks I have style. I love the way he looks at me--he gets this cute, timid smile, like a little kid with a lollipop. He tells me that he checks me out all the time. He runs his finger through my hair like he can't get enough. And he kisses and holds me like he never wants to stop. He thinks everything about me is beautiful, even when I'm wearing glasses and have no makeup on. Mark has helped me see myself the way my Heavenly Father sees me.

I've never had this kind of relationship with anyone before. I've never been in love with someone who is in love with me too. I love his hazel-blue eyes, his dark hair, his strong arms. I love kissing him over and over and pressing my body close to his. I love that he has the most attractive legs that are always shrouded in sexy jeans. I love the way we banter and end up cracking up at the most random things. I love how he remembers everything I say and pretends to enjoy my long, wordy stories. I love how he offers to do things for me, and how I can tell he loves doing them. I love how he puts me before himself and how I miss him when he's gone. I love that he tells me everything, even when it's hard. I love that I can trust him with my thoughts and feelings. I love that he takes a genuine interest in anything that is important to me, and that he supports me. I love how he appreciates art, music, and literature, and is still so manly about it. I love that we talk about everything and anything and that I never tire of his company. I love how he doesn't mind that I'm afraid of a lot of things, and that he is always so gentle with me. I love how he talks about how much he loves Mexico and Texas. I love how he's open to new ideas. I love how he's more comfortable than my bed.

I could probably go on and on, but mostly I love that he loves me.

That is why I'm happy.

Relationships

So Mark and I are dating. It's great actually. I know he feels bad about what happened and I trust him very much. This summer almost doesn't seem real anymore. There are still rare occasions where I can remember it very clearly--too clearly--but mostly I don't think about it. It just a haze of memory.

It's still weird to me that I'm part of a couple, that I'm not just emotionally and physically attached to someone, but that I'm socially attached as well. I don't think I'm quite used to it yet, but I'm getting there.

I was wondering today why it's weird for me to be in a relationship. And I realized that, besides the fact that I've never officially been in a relationship like this before, I just always pictured myself single. Sure, I could imagine being married with kids, but that always seemed cloudy, indefinite, and far off. I just realized I'm closer to that than I thought.

It's a little scary.

I'm just adjusting slowly.

Then there's Matthew. He wanted to date me. Probably more badly than he lets on. And if it weren't for Mark, I probably would have said yes. We connect really well and I love him dearly, but the timing was just horrible. I still think Matthew is jealous sometimes. I never would have thought I could have that effect on a gay man. I still feel bad about it sometimes. He cried when I told him Mark and I were going to date. I think he's just very insecure sometimes about being gay (can you blame him?) He felt like he wasn't good enough for me, like he was just Plan B and that I deserved better. I hated hearing that. He seems to be doing better now and even talks about trying to meet other straight girls. It's just another one of those things that's just there...

Yet another post of my scattered thoughts. My life is actually quite fabulous right now. Mark amazes me. He's made so much progress and I'm so proud of him. And he's a wonderful boyfriend. I feel so spoiled sometimes.

Anyway, this bug bite on my foot is driving me insane and I have some homework to finish before I can go home. Auf wiedersehen.

Rambly as usual

Just got back from my date. It went like this: I went to his house and we cooked dinner together. Two of his hilarious roommates (with whom I'm also friends) were there "to chaperone." Really, they were just unpacking pots in the kitchen. So we all ate together, which was delightful. My hands smell like onions though. Then, Matthew and I escaped to the dollar theater to see Fantastic Four. He did the whole arm-around-the-waist bit as we walked, and we held hands and snuggled during the movie. But that's not new.

It was just a lovely date. Matthew makes fabulous company and he smells nice (umm I think I smell like him right now...weird). He didn't say or do anything awkward either. When he suggested we do this again sometime, I of course agreed.

There was only one thing he said that makes me wonder, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. He asked me if I had read his blog today, which I hadn't. "Oh, well it's all about you." Really? "Hahahaha no it's not... Well, it is a little... It's just about how I've been really happy lately." Aww I'll go read it. I'm glad you're happy.

So I read his blog just now--and he really doesn't mention me. He mentions some things we've done together, but there were other people there too so I'm just lumped in with his group of friends that he loves. And that's good. But it seems odd he would say anything about it... Perhaps I'm being too analytical. I really don't know how to read romantic signals from gay guys.

I was driving home and I thought, so what if I dated him? I mean, if a guy shows interest and I love to be around him, why not? Last time a guy showed interest that I love to be around...well I got scared and we all know what happened next. So do I have to be in love with the guy before I date him? Or should I just go with the flow?

Man I wish it didn't have to be so complicated. I wish I could just find a guy I liked, have him fall in love with me too, and then live happily ever after. None of this "am I attracted to him?" crap. No being scared of hurting someone or getting hurt.

I don't know. I'm much too cheerful right now to think about serious stuff (see? he makes me cheerful! blast.). I guess I'll just wait and see what happens. There's not much else I can do. I'll post more as I think about it more. If I feel like it.

In the mean time, I sort of want a snack.

A quicky...sort of...

Matthew asked me out on a date--dinner and a movie, tomorrow night. I'm actually really excited about it; Matthew is a dear dear friend and is a lot of fun to be with.

I wonder though. A couple of the Moho's have pointed out that Matthew seems to have taken a liking to me. Obviously he's gay so he isn't really attracted to me, but I do know he has thought a lot lately about trying to date girls in the hopes that eventually he can get married. He did tell me that he feels strangely close to me. I agreed with him whole-heartedly--we really haven't known each other for a very long time, but we connect really well and it's really easy for me to tell him personal things. He feels the same way. He even said he thinks I'm his closest girl friend.

Some concerns I have, should he be interested in dating me (these will most definitely require another post at another time when I'm not supposed to be sleeping):

1. I feel very very little romantic attraction to him. This could be simply because he's gay and I haven't allowed myself to be attracted to him. But I wonder if I would be attracted to him under normal circumstances (read: if he were straight).

2. I don't know how I feel about dating a gay guy. There was a time when I was willing, nay, when I wanted to date one--heck I wanted to marry him--but this is a completely different situation. I don't know if I'm up for it.

3. If I were to allow myself to be attracted to him, what if it didn't work out? That's a lot of heartache that I've already been through, and I'd really rather not have to do it again. It would be a huge risk.

4. I'm afraid our friendship would be jeopardized. Could I still be friends with a gay man I once dated? There really aren't many people out there who can tell me about how this type of situation should go.

5. I know he's scared to death of dating women--we've talked about it. If we were going to date, I would have to be incredibly sure of myself because he certainly isn't going to be.

Anyway, I'm probably reading way too much into this--I mean, he asked me on one date. We're friends, we've gone out before...It will be fun, of that I have no doubt. I guess I'm just wondering what I would do if he wanted to date me--if any Moho wanted to date me. It will make for some good posts later, but this is already longer than it was supposed to be. Blast. I have Calculus in the morning. Ha. More later.

A pretty happy post for once--I'm hoping it will make the reader smile

I went to Mark's house today. It was nice. I had a lot of fun just sitting around with him. He was sort of hyper (I tend to have that effect on people because I'm so amazing) and he attacked me several times, but he made up for it with a fabulous foot massage. We seem to be completely past the touch barrier; in fact, I think we were friendlier today than we'd ever been. And except for the times I was being mercilessly tickled (he's not ticklish, which is so unfair), it was very comfortable.

I almost feel like we're even better friends than we were before. We can talk about almost anything without feeling awkward. Yeah, he's still dating That Girl, but he hasn't let that get in the way of us being friends. He's very gentle with me--he's careful not to say anything that will hit a nerve, and I, in return, try to give him unbiased romance advice, and not let it bother me when he mentions That Girl.

There are two things I was thinking about the other day. The first is that it still bothers me that he's dating her. I suppose it's jealousy, but not in a romantic sense. My previous desire to date Mark has completely disappeared. I think it's more that I don't like to think he's spending time with the person who represents everything that happened this summer. She is very real evidence that I got hurt--she was the reason for it, in fact--and though I'm sure she's a really cool person, I just don't want anything to do with her. I've moved on, but that doesn't mean I can't remember the pain, and I'd rather just not have any reminders.

So obviously I'm pulling for him to break up with her. Mostly because I don't like that he, my very close friend, is closely involved with the very person that represents all the stuff I want to put behind me.

Of course, if he's happy in his relationship, I'll encourage him to stay with her. As long as I don't have to meet her any time soon it's not too hard to pretend she doesn't exist. And I really do give unbiased romance advice. I'm not out to ruin their relationship--I want him to be happy.

The second thing I was thinking about--well, wondering about really--was why I gave him the URL to this blog, and why I continue to let him read it. I mean, Charlie and Julie don't even have this URL. The only person besides Mark that I gave the link to was Mattheus, and he's on a mission now. So why Mark?

Part of it is that I like having a consistent audience. I know that he reads this blog regularly, and there's something strangely pleasing about having someone to listen (or in this case, read). If I gave the link to Julie, I don't know that she would read it regularly. I also think it might just be pointless because I usually just tell her what I think anyway. As for Charlie...well...some of my older posts are about him, about the pain he caused me, about how freaking in love with him I was...For some reason I just am not ready to let him read that yet. I want the Story to be finished completely before he reads it.

So again, why Mark? I guess it's just because I trust him. It didn't take him long to earn my trust--it's a gift of his--and he's proved to me many times that he can keep this to himself, and that he won't misjudge me even when I'm ranting about who-knows-what. He understands my ravings, my little sadnesses, and my random amusements...And mostly, he cares about me in spite of it all. I know he reads my blog because he wants to, not because I want him to. It's nice to know that someone wants to know what I'm thinking, that he values my thoughts, that he wants to understand me.

He complained the other day that I edit my posts because I know he's reading. It's true, but I think it grows less so daily. I usually only edit things that I think would be hurtful to him. Other than that, it's pretty honest.

Okay so this is really long but basically I'm just glad Mark and I were able to remain such good friends. How did he put it? Friends for life.

Le sigh

I want a man. Julie and I went to Shane and Matthew's house after church today. I plopped onto Matthew's bed and he lay down and held me for a little while. He's really sweet. Out of all the Moho's I know, he's the only one I would ever consider dating. It was nice to just lie there with him.

I think I'm just tired though. Hopefully I'll have a man soon enough. For now I'll just drink a Capri Sun and maybe take a nap. Mmm.

Slight irritation

Peter's girlfriend continues to make a fuss about me. I understand she was upset at him for not telling her about me (and vice versa). I really can't blame her. But come on. Get over it. Peter and I never even did anything. We went out to lunch a few times. We hung out (usually with other people present). And yet she still nags about it.

I can't even go over to their house, which is annoying. Peter hasn't emailed or text me since he got to Provo, which is more annoying because he's my friend and suddenly we're not "allowed" to so much as say hello to each other without her freaking out.

And she nags Mark for hanging out with me, which just puts the icing on the cake. She has no idea how hard it was for me! How it still is hard for me sometimes. She doesn't know how, when I was still recovering, when I should have still been angry, I was there for Mark because I care about him. She doesn't know that Mark and I, though we've come really far and are nearly back to "normal," still feel awkward sometimes, and that we're trying to get past that.

Okay so I've never met the girl. I keep telling myself I should be more understanding, less quick to judge, that I should give her a chance. But I don't know how to do that because she isn't giving me a chance.

It doesn't help that absolutely none of this was my fault. And I'm the one suffering for it. I hate to sound the martyr, but that's the way it is. Once again, I do nothing wrong, and I'm paying for it.

Slightly irritating.

1:33 am

I should be sleeping, but I felt like posting.

I don't even know what about.

I wish I could get inside his head. Sometimes I'm just dying to know what he's thinking about.

Later I will ask him what he's thinking. I still don't know about what. Maybe why he had to wonder why I'm still friends with him.

Maybe I'm not the only one who's too hard on herself.

I went in complete circles in that last post

I don't know why I'm suddenly eager to analyze my personality and behaviors. I guess boredom just lends itself to negative thoughts, and then I just want to know where they're coming from.

I read a post by Samantha today. I've only met her twice in person, but I absolutely adore her. Her blog is one of my all-time favorites.

Anywho, she's been diagnosed with what's called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and she often uses her blog to work through her feelings of inadequacy and fear. She posted something really interesting today(italics=her counselor):

I don't know. Truthfully, I don't see how it can work. Ever. At some point everyone's bound to discover that the person he/she thought I was doesn't exist. Instead they'll be left with the circus freak who has toys glued to her torso, who can't function as a real person because she has no idea how.

You don't believe any of the people you love really know you?

I don't know. Maybe they do. But I don't understand why, if they know me, they would stick around. I wouldn't. I'd see how dangerously needy I am and I'd run away at the first opportunity.

So if you cut yourself off, you relieve them of the responsibility of doing it themselves. You control how and when they'll leave. You put yourself in control by taking away from yourself the very thing you need.

Okay, so I'm really not even close to being like this--I don't think like this at all. But it made me wonder if the reason I'm sometimes insecure in my relationships is because I'm not in control. I don't like feeling that the other person could abandon me at any time--I want to feel like they need me.

I mentioned to Mark once that I had felt like I had the upper hand in our relationship; that he had cared for me more than I had cared about him. He said he felt that way too, and he didn't like it. Of course he didn't like it. But for once, I had control over the relationship; for once, I wasn't afraid he would just lose interest and walk away. He wouldn't leave me because he cared about me too much. And if our relationship did fall apart, I wouldn't be the one to get hurt, because I hadn't invested as much as he had.

Pretty selfish and cruel huh? Obviously it ended up blowing up in my face. By the time I let myself really care about him, I was off to California, he got a girlfriend, and I ended up getting hurt anyway. Not one of my better plans.

I guess the lesson here is just that I need to stop being so scared of getting hurt. Of course I'm going to get hurt, probably several times. I need to take some risks, make myself vulnerable, and just know that if things don't work out it's not because I didn't try. Relationships are supposed to be mutual--no one should have the "upper hand." So I have to go into it knowing that the other person may abandon me.

Easier said than done I suppose.

More thinking

I'm too hard on myself most of the time. It's not a question.

I've thought about this before, trying to find the cause, but it always escapes me. I remember being in the first grade, beating myself up because I had been scolded. I had only been scolded for carelessness--it was an accident really--but the fact that I had been the cause of the teacher's irritation really bothered me.

Reasons? 1) I had always been a good child that didn't get into trouble. The fact that I had caused trouble, no matter how minor, was inconsistent with my normal behavior. 2) I really liked my teacher and didn't ever want to cause her discomfort; and yet, I had just done so.

Reason number two has more weight, and it continues to be the main reason I beat myself up over things. I don't like upsetting/annoying/angering/hurting people I care about. It bothers me to no end.

This brings up a new question: Why does it bother me so much?

In some cases, it bothers me because I'm already insecure in the relationship. If I mess up, I'm afraid it will affect the relationship negatively.

My insecurity in relationships is another manifestation of being hard on myself--I sometimes think people are in relationships with me not because I have anything to offer, but simply because they are nice people.

Again, irrational.

Back to why I don't like to upset people. I think I invest a lot in relationships. I have a lot of really close friends, and they are people that I love almost more than myself. When someone becomes a dear friend, I really care and worry about them, probably more than is normal. I usually develop a hero complex for these people, where I want to anything in my power to save them from pain and discomfort. So when I'm the one that causes someone pain/discomfort/annoyance/whatever, I get really upset with myself.

I don't know if that makes sense at all.

Maybe I'm just a perfectionist. Goes well with my slight OCD.

More later I suppose.

Introverting

I still can't believe how quickly things change-- Mark and I were practically dating, and then in one night it was over; I was so mad at him and then so willing to just let it all go in just a matter of days; mostly, the hurt that I felt when I thought about him melted into mere amusement in only what? a week?

We really did do a lot of random things. It makes me smile, sometimes even laugh, to think of the nights we drove to Walmart, or stayed up late watching some sitcom or another, or just talked about everything and nothing in particular. It even makes me smile to think about that night we went camping, or my last day in Provo.

I sort of wonder why. Why it doesn't hurt anymore, why I'm not sad things didn't work out...

And that's not all I wonder. I still find it unfathomable that he wanted me. I guess that sounds like I have zero self-esteem, but that's not it at all. I look at myself in the mirror and I know I'm pretty, beautiful even. I can see it. And I know I'm funny and that I'm a good friend.

The problem is, I've been wanted by so few people that I think maybe it's gotten to me. I've never been able to understand why I can't seem to have success in the romance department; the only conclusion I can come to is that there is something about myself that repels men, and I have no idea what.

When Mark told me he "liked" me, even though I had already suspected it, it was sort of surprising. I couldn't believe I was the object of his thoughts, that he found me attractive enough to do something about it. It just hadn't happened so smoothly before and it really caught me off-guard.

Even now, I can't completely understand. I know I'm attractive, but I can't believe I was attractive to a specific person. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, there was a guy that cared about you and wanted you.

Of course it's utter nonsense that I think these things. There's no doubt that he was attracted to me and wanted to date me. And I take comfort knowing that, now that it's happened once, it's bound to happen again, if only in the distant future.

I guess I just can't see it from his perspective. I'm so used to wanting people that don't want me--it was odd to have the roles reversed, and I'm still perplexed.

Anywho, I realize I totally abandoned my first quandary in favor of this tangent, but now I'm going to watch Seinfeld with Julie. More of my incredibly nonsensical-but-seemingly-philosophical thoughts later.

Oh yeah

And things are cool with that kid I pranked. He called and apologized for getting mad. Just fyi.

I haven't been explaining myself

I was looking back at some of these posts and realized I haven't been segue-ing very well. Mostly just that I've been leaving out chunks of the story. Not that it matters--I have probably no more than two readers on this blog, one of whom knows the story intimately...I really need to install a stat-counter on here. So lazy.

So Mark and I talked online that night, and I received answers to all of my questions. I would post the conversation, but I don't think it's necessary. It would take a lot of effort to change our screen names and frankly, after what happened last night, it doesn't really matter.

What happened--as if it were some extraordinary event. Well I suppose I should just start from the beginning. *Deep breath.* This is going to be long.

After my conversation online with Mark, I felt...better. Some parts of the conversation reopened wounds and made me even more mad, at both myself and him, but it was still good to talk about everything. He insisted I be brutally honest, and he took the few snide comments I made without complaint. I wasn't really mean though, and by the end of the conversation it was clear we could keep some semblance of our friendship.

I was mostly satiated, but I told him I didn't want to see him for a while, even when I got back to Provo. He understood, and after forming some minor rules about contacting each other, we said goodnight.

Of course I was still a little upset. But I was tired of being angry. The little things that bothered me weren't worth dwelling on, and I decided that I would just let it all go and try to be his friend. So things got easier now that I knew that he had been hurting too; there were, of course, little things that poked at me every now and then, but I was certainly getting better.

We chatted a few times online that week, and it was like old times, just a little more tenacious. He even text me the night before I came back to Provo.

I explained to Julie, Charlie, and Mike that I was back on good terms with Mark and that we were trying to still be friends. Charlie and Mike didn't seemed thrilled with the idea--they were still angry with Mark--but when I told them that's what I wanted, they suppressed their comments and respected my decision. Julie was certainly more understanding, being the only person who knew all of the details of the situation. Charlie and Mike only knew the gist of it, and Collin knew even less. But Julie knew everything, and could even empathize with me. She just warned me to be careful--not because I would do anything stupid, but because I could get hurt again. But she was very supportive.

Fast forward to yesterday. Mark text me in the morning, welcoming me back to Provo and asking if I got settled in. I replied that I had, and that I had a lunch date later in the day (unfortunately, it was with a guy that already has a girlfriend, but I wanted to slip it in there anyway to make me feel good about myself. ha). We chatted about breakfast and some song he downloaded. Then he suggested I stop by the drive-through where he works.

I'm not going to lie, it made me laugh, and I was sorely tempted to accept his invitation. Alas, I declined, for several reasons. Firstly, I didn't think I would have time because I had already promised to take Julie desk shopping, and then I had my lunch "date." Secondly, I really just haven't been eating well lately, and fast-food sounded painful. Thirdly, I was pretty sure I was ready to see him, but I wasn't positive. I did, however, make a resolution to stop by his work before the week was over.

Last night, I'm chewing the fat with Julie as she unpacks, and Mark texts me again: "I have [effed] up my life." This wasn't the first time he had sent me a text to that effect, so I simply replied, "Do you want to talk?" He explained that he knew I didn't want to see him, but he really needed someone to talk to. I suggested we do it over the phone and it was a no go. I voiced my thoughts to Julie, who agreed with my assessment of the situation: I had every right to say no, but if I really want to be friends with him, shouldn't I be there when he needs me?

Julie asked if I was ready to see him. I said I've been ready for a couple of days, just hesitant. She shrugged and said that it was my decision. I replied to Mark that I would see him, and we figured out the how and where.

Then I waited. I read for a bit, getting more and more nervous by the minute. I actually fell into a fitful slumber for about a half hour, then just stared at the ceiling. I tried to get myself up so I would be awake and alert. I took a Motrin with a single Ritz cracker and some water. And I prayed. The last time I had seen Mark he had held me and had run his fingers through my hair. It seemed unreal, like it was years ago, and I was actually surprised that it didn't make me sad to think about it. I couldn't help but wonder what I would say if he ever wanted me to take him back; I knew instantly that I would have no problem saying no.

That's when I realized I was completely over it all. It was sort of wonderful to think of how detached I felt, how completely unscathed and in control I was. There was a soft knock on the door. I was still nervous, but it was only because I hadn't seen him in so long.

I could tell right off he was upset. When we got in the car, he seemed like he was having trouble speaking. So I chattered. I tried to create a light feeling so that he would know I was okay with seeing him and to get him to relax. We stopped at Taco Bell to get him something caffeinated, and then we just drove.

We drove for hours. He confessed his problems and worries, little by little, with me going on various tangents in between. We drove up the canyon for a while, and we parked at Y-mount for a while too. There was some laughter as we remembered random things we had done, or as I nearly killed us with my California driving. I didn't say a whole lot when he was talking though. I got the feeling that he didn't want advice, just someone to listen. So I did.

Some of the things he told me should have hurt me or upset me. Strangely enough, they didn't. I felt incredibly calm the entire night, almost serene, as I just listened. It was amazing to me--we really were just two good friends, just like old times. I thought it would be hard to be around him, but I honestly had zero romantic feelings for him. And that's exactly what I wanted. Just to be comfortable with him, just to be able to talk like we used to.

So I did what I do best--I listened. It's one thing I've found I'm really good at when it comes to friendship, and I was more than happy to be able to offer that to Mark.

I felt bad for his predicament, and the solution seemed pretty obvious to me, but I didn't tell him that. He knows what's right. He didn't need to hear it from me. And it's his choice. I didn't want to influence what should be his choice, and his choice only. I sent him an email today offering advice, but again, it's really not my call. I was just there to listen.

We went to Denny's around 4:30 am, and I could tell he was doing much better. I was getting tired, but I wasn't about to admit it. We ate a little bit and made small talk with the waiter. Mark thanked me for seeing him and listening.

As we neared my house to finally call it a night, we were both pretty quiet. Then he just said, "Natalie, I'm so sorry." I knew he really meant it, that he was sorry for everything that had happened, and though I had known that before, it meant a lot to hear it out loud.

He thanked me again for listening, and I told him I'd be glad to listen any time. I thought about giving him a hug, but he didn't seem to expect it, and I wasn't sure if it was a good idea, so I refrained.

He rode off on his bike, and I slid into bed, thanking God for everything that had just happened. Talking to Mark had been really good for me, and it proved to me that things really can just go back to normal. I said a quick prayer for Mark, and after a couple more text messages with him, I fell asleep.

Julie didn't bother me, even though I didn't get up until around 12:30 pm. I could tell she had been waiting around, wondering how things had gone; she must have been pretty nervous. We talked for a long time before I finally took a shower. Later, as we took a walk to the park, she mentioned that she hoped Mark didn't think she still was mad at her. It made me glad that she understood.

And now it's really late, and this is probably the longest post I've ever written. Good thing I don't have many readers. Maybe tomorrow I'll finally install a stat-counter on here. Maybe.

Little things

Julie and I tried to pull an innocent prank last night on a dear friend. It was meant only to make him laugh, and we made sure it would take him no more than a minute to clean it up. It really upset him though and he sent me an email saying so. He was very kind and just told me how he felt, but it made me feel really ashamed of myself at first, and then sort of angry.

The anger is only slightly directed at him--only because I've asked him to be straightforward with me before and he hasn't. It's mostly anger directed at the situation; I hate it when people are upset with me.

It's really the worst feeling in the world. Thinking that I did something to upset or harm someone, or that there's something wrong with me that would annoy them, makes me feel like absolute garbage. I'm a likable person. Until someone gets mad at me--then I feel like I don't deserve friends.

Partly it's because my plan totally backfired--a plan to make someone smile actually made someone angry. He had a good point I suppose, but I can't help but think that if he had done it to me I would have laughed. So where did I miscalculate?

I guess I just don't know him as well as I thought I did. He takes little things a bit more seriously than I do I suppose. I just hate to think that his opinion of me has lowered because of this.

Also, I'm just not secure enough in some of my friendships. A lot of times I think people are just my friends because they are nice, and not because I'm cool. So when they get upset or annoyed with me, I feel like it's just because I'm a naturally annoying person and that I'm burdening them with my friendship. I know it's not logical, but I can't help it, and it's probably one of things I struggle with the most in life.

And then I'm just mad that he couldn't just be a normal person and laugh at it. It was a completely harmless prank, easy to clean up, and obviously meant to be funny. So why can't he just laugh?

Whatever. I will never for the life of me be able to date that kid. I just don't understand him at all. I sent him a nice apology back and Julie and I made him cookies.

In other news, I made it to Provo. It was fun for the first two days, but then today was sort of boring. I want to get our kitchen and front room cleaned up, but I can't until this girl moves the rest of her stuff out. And our carpets were cleaned so there is stuff piled on my bed. And Julie has cramps and probably wouldn't want to do anything even if we had someone to hang out with.

I haven't seen Charlie yet, which isn't like him. That hurts a little bit--that he wasn't as excited to see me as I was to see him. And Brian hasn't attempted to see us yet either. We called him a few times, but he's been busy, not to mention he's randomly going to Vegas tomorrow. So that's great.

Mike is the only one that has been absolutely wonderful--he begged me to visit him at work Saturday night, which I did. He gave me one of the most amazing hugs I've ever had, and then we spent all day together yesterday, and we chatted on the phone last night. Unfortunately he went to Salt Lake today so I didn't get to see him.

Also, I think I'm almost ready to see Mark. I just don't think it's going to bother me that much. What I'm worried about is feeling awkward. It's not like I can just pretend things are back to "normal" because they aren't. But I also don't think there's anything else we need to talk out. So what are we going to talk about when we see each other?

Not only that, but what are we going to do? Nothing one-on-one of course. Julie will most likely be keeping me company. But I can't do a huge group thing either because most of my friends would just be rude to Mark, even though I explained that we're on good terms now. I don't want to do lunch or anything because that requires too much direct conversation. Maybe we could just watch Arrested Development at my apartment or something. I don't know. This is way too complicated. I almost hope I just run into him on campus because that would be so much easier.

Meh. Coming back to Provo was good, but I'm actually looking forward for school to start. I've been sitting around all summer, and now I'm still sitting around. Sitting around is not good. I like to keep busy.

I suppose I'll just read some books. Go to the park maybe.

Note to self

So Mark only deleted me on Facebook because he thought that's what I wanted--to never speak to him again. That post where I told him to "get the hell off this page" (that is now only in draft form because it wasn't very nice) made him think I was finished with him. Valid response, for sure. He just forgot that whenever I get mad I always regret it later.

We're supposed to talk tonight. Maybe.

I'm too nice. It always happens--I let people off easy. So I'm going to post some reminders here: questions I have for him.

1. How long did you keep this from me?
2. Was it the same girl as last time?
3. Why weren't you just honest about it like you were last time?
4. How, after all that stuff about waiting for me and wanting to do all the things we had talked about doing, did you suddenly want to date some girl that I knew nothing about?
5. You said you wanted to wait until you were temple worthy to date me; why was she different?

Okay. So I just want answers to these questions. There's definitely a possibility for me to get mad again but I think I deserve these answers. After the week I just went through, with that constant stomach-ache and even forgetting what year it was, I deserve answers.

I'm going to try to be nice though. I don't think it's worth it to make things harder than they are. And it's just not in my nature. I'll regret it later.

Blah things could have gone so much smoother. Let's hope they go smoothly from here on out.

Time

I'm doing better.

I told Peter everything and he was very sympathetic. He's going to be living with Mark this year; it was strangely comforting to know that Peter understood my side of the story. He insisted this wasn't my fault. Unfortunately, Peter's girlfriend hates [the idea of] me so I probably won't be able to see him much. He promised we could secretly hang out sometime. Haha.

There are other things that have helped me too. Like being around old friends, going to church, and my impending return to Provo. I have so many amazing friends there, and I'm really looking forward to meeting new ones. I've made up my mind--I'm going to be aggressive in my attempts to make new friends--I'm going to be social and try to be friends with as many people as possible. I want to go on dates and possibly find a guy to date. As much as I love it here, I don't feel like my life is progressing. I'm done with vacation; it's time to get back to work and fun and college life.

I'm gaining back my strength, and my anger is gone. I still feel sad sometimes when I think about Mark, but each day it hurts less and less. I know I'm above all this, and I know I'm in control. Life keeps going. I've been hurt before, and I'm bound to get hurt again. I guess I just wish things had gone more smoothly.

Things are turning around. I'm getting my hair cut and colored today (it's about freaking time), then I'm hanging out with Pete (not Peter) tomorrow, then Julie is flying in on Wednesday. Saturday I return to Provo, and I'll get to see Charlie again.

I had wanted to finish my other blog this summer--the one about Charlie and I--but that hasn't happened. I just have to be in the right mood for that. I'm not too worried though. I will finish it eventually.

Things always work out in the end.

What now

Mark has a girlfriend. And I have no explanation.

I sort of wonder how this all affected him. If it did at all.

And now I'm re-evaluating this blog. It began as a place to vent and explore my unhealthy thoughts. Then it developed into a place to just be completely honest and emotional. I have another blog--one that is not anonymous--so I can't be as candid on that one. Too many people know me. Here, it's just me, and my one mystery reader that left a comment. I really need to install a statcounter on here because I'm curious now...

But I digress. This blog was supposed to be a journal for me, in a very real sense. But I feel suddenly like most of these posts have been about Mark.

Do I really want to go back and read all of these things again? Do I want to remember how mad I was? Or should I just delete them and start over? I've deleted posts before--ones that I knew were just me venting steam and weren't really necessary for me to read again. But what if I want to review this experience someday? I know it won't be any time soon, but...in the future maybe?

I just feel like this blog was really becoming a good record. And now it seems like that record has been all for nothing... Mark is no longer a part of my life, and it seems that our friendship was all for nothing.

That's what makes me the saddest. My anger has been waning for the past two days, and now I'm just sad that this ended so badly. We had so much fun together.

I'm rambling again. It's late, which is why my thoughts are muddled. I think clearer during the day.

A not-quite-as-rough-but-nearly-as-unnerving night

I know I worry too much. I've always been that way. But I know there is a point where my worries become valid--a point where I should actually take myself seriously and confront the situation rather than telling myself I'm just being silly.

I have no idea when that point of validation is. I have no idea how long I'm supposed to wait out the problem.

On top of that, I still smell like popcorn from work yesterday.

On top of that, I had a dream last night. It was about my grandpa (mom's side). The dream wasn't bad in any way--it ended surprisingly well--but I woke up feeling extremely guilty. I haven't seen my grandparents in over a year. At Christmastime I chose to go to San Francisco with my choir buddies rather than visit my grandparents with my family. And then my grandparents sold their house in the bay area and moved to southern Utah. Grandpa's health has been steadily deteriorating and it really could be any day now that he goes. My dream reminded me that I haven't communicated with them in a long time.

I think I'll write them a letter.

But I'm still worrying.

Musings

I got scared again. That hasn't happened in a while, and I'm not quite sure what caused it this time. I was waiting for Mark to call and I think it just reminded me of all the times Austin left me waiting, disappointed, and hurt. Mark of course did not leave me waiting, but even after speaking to him for a brief moment, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was setting myself up to be disappointed. It was completely irrational--Mark has treated me like a queen--and I think I attribute most of the feeling to the heat and my exhaustion.

My thoughts? Oh the usual. Why make myself vulnerable by trusting a guy, when all he's going to do is hurt me?; what makes me think things will work out this time when they've never worked out before?; why does he care about me in the first place when no one else seems to have been able to?; is there something inherently wrong with me?; why do I let myself think these ridiculous thoughts when I know they aren't helping and that they are unfounded?

That's part of why I like being single so much--my happiness has very little dependence on anyone but myself. I'm not as vulnerable when I'm not tied to someone else.

He text me and we talked a little bit about it. I told him the truth--I lack confidence in relationships.

Mostly because I lack experience. Mostly because no one has bothered to try having a real relationship with me before, as though I'm undesirable. In fact, that has been one of the biggest mysteries to me. I've been told by loads of people how I'm talented, smart, funny, beautiful, and all sorts of other crap that should attract guys from miles around. And yet. Here I am. Never having had a boyfriend. Rarely getting asked out on dates.

And then there's Mark. I suppose he's just what I've been looking for--a straight man who displays many of the characteristics that I so cherish in my gay friends, like sensitivity, honesty, respect for women, an interest in artsy things, etc.--who happens to be crazy about me too. But every now and then I'm still scared. Scared that I'll hurt him, or that he'll hurt me; ultimately scared that I will regret this decision later.

Of the many things Charlie has done for me, he taught me to stretch myself beyond my comfort zone. From that, I've come to realize that usually if I'm scared to do something, it is the right thing to do, and that if I don't do it, I will regret it later. I have yet to regret taking these risks, as scared as I might be, in little things, and in bigger things. I see no reason why I shouldn't apply this here--I'm taking a bit of a risk by attaching myself to Mark and making myself vulnerable, but if I don't take that risk I'll most likely regret it later.

I don't know why that comforts me, knowing that I'm taking a risk. Maybe because all of the other ones have worked out so well. I'm really looking forward to my return to Provo. This time away from Mark has definitely strengthened our relationship, but I miss him.

Plus, I've always been up for a challenge.

Why couldn't this have happened earlier?

It had been much easier for me to leave than it had been for Mark. And that made me wonder again if I really liked him. But I was off to California with two months to sort out my thoughts.

It was surprisingly wonderful to be home. I really enjoyed spending time with my family and I told my parents that I was sort of interested in Mark. They, of course, pummeled me with questions, but those eventually let up.

I was texting Mark one day and I suggested he give me a call that night. He sounded thrilled with the idea, and he followed through. We talked for a while, and it was actually really nice. No awkwardness or anything. So he called again the next night and we talked even longer. The next night I talked to Charlie for a long time, and he was happy for me that things with Mark were going well.

Mark and I continued talking each night, and the more I talked to him, the more I missed him. He was so much fun to talk to, and I remembered how much fun I had had being around him. He was very honest with me, and very open. I tried to be open with him too, and I found myself really looking forward to talking to him each night. Conversely, I talked to Peter every now and then online and found his conversation to be quite boring.

Somehow Mark had seduced me. I was suddenly quite smitten with him. I wondered why this hadn't happened earlier, when I had wanted it to. Maybe me going home was exactly what we needed to get to know each other.

And so, we were practically dating. We decided not to make it official until I was back in Provo, but for all intents and purposes, he was mine.

Park City

My last day in Provo, I decided I wanted to spend the day in Park City. I invited a few people, but it seemed that everyone was working except for Mark. But my plans were not to be thwarted. Mark and I made the drive up the canyon (I love that drive, by the way) and I actually remembered how to get to Main Street.

We parked and then made the walk down the street, remembering places we wanted to stop at later. It was a lot of fun just talking and having fun with Mark. He kept me laughing, and he actually seemed to enjoy walking through the art galleries with me.

At the bottom of Main Street, we noticed that the ski lift was running, despite the fact that we were in the middle of June. We hesitantly bought tickets and hopped on the lift. I was pretty frightened, so I scooted close to Mark and held onto his arm. He readjusted, putting his arm around me and saying that it was easier for him to hold on that way. I should have complimented him on this smooth move, but to be honest, I was more focused on not dying.

The ride was pleasant and there was a nice breeze. Mark took some pictures of us, managing not to drop his camera, and I eventually relaxed. I've always been sort of amazed at how long Mark and I are able to talk without it getting awkward, and this instance was no different. We talked about random unimportant things, past relationships, school, friends, and anything else you could think of.

There really wasn't much to do at the top, what with there not being any snow, so we just rode back down. This time there was a bar in front of us so I wasn't frightened, but Mark put his arm around me anyway. I can't say I minded.

We started our walk back up Main Street in search of some food, since neither of us had had anything to eat except for a piece of fudge. We found a place called The Hungry Moose Cafe (or something like that) and decided to go in just because of the name. Mark decided to be adventurous and ordered a buffalo burger; I was boring and got chicken. It was pretty good, although our server was slow.

We stopped for gelatto and picture taking on our way back to the car. Seeing a life-sized bronze moose, we posed in front of it and attempted to take a picture of ourselves in front of it. Mark pulled me in really close to him so that suddenly we had our arms around each other. I'm not going to lie--that was my favorite part of the entire day. Plus that picture turned out really well.

I was sort of sad to leave Park City because I had had such a great time, but Brian had invited us to a concert so we decided to head home. We had a few hours to kill, so Mark suggested we rent Big Fish and watch it. I had never seen it and it's one of his favorites, so I consented.

We started the movie and consumed several otter pops. I sat close enough to Mark, but not too close. He took the hint though and put his arm around me as I had hoped he would. He was sort of tickling my arm which was nice, and then he was inevitably playing with my hair. I don't really know how it happened, but by the end of the movie I was lying in his arms and we were holding hands. He was so comfortable and kept tousling my hair... I sort of had a hard time paying attention to the movie, but I got the gist of it.

When the movie ended, neither of us wanted to get up. We just let the TV run and enjoyed each other's company. I was sort of sad when Jay came over to go to the concert with us. Brian and Collin had made other plans, so it was just the three of us. I tried to be good company for Jay because I sensed he had had a rough day, but I just wanted to be with Mark. And he kept tickling my back and playing with my hair...

After the concert, which was actually pretty good, we went to Charlie and Collin's house so I could say goodbye. We all ended up going to get ice cream and then everyone departed, except Mark. He stayed until curfew, and then tried to persuade me to go see a late movie with him. I can't tell you how tempted I was, but I knew I had to drive all day the next day so I decided I needed sleep. He held me for a while outside my apartment, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me. I sort of wanted him to, but I was also sort of afraid I would regret it later. He didn't do it. He seemed like he had a hard time letting go of me though; I hadn't realized he was going to be this sad.

He said goodbye and walked away. I returned to packing and my previous confusion, wondering if I had made a mistake again.

Frustrated

So that's how it all started. This whole situation with Mark.

The week following our little DTR at Wendy's was sort of long. I couldn't help but feel like I had made the wrong choice. For some reason, I really wanted to date Mark, but I couldn't decide if I wanted it for the wrong reasons.

I talked to Elizabeth and she warned me about the dangers of dating someone just to have a cuddle buddy. Of course I already knew that; what I didn't know was if that was how I felt about Mark, or if I actually wanted to date him for the right reasons. Julie pointed out that if I'm not sure about my reasoning, it probably isn't good.

I can't say I disagreed with that assessment. But there was one minor flaw in that theory. Normally, if I don't "like" a guy, I will avoid any romantic physical contact with him. This wasn't the case with Mark. I had enjoyed holding hands with him. It had felt good to have his arms around me. And as the week progressed, I wanted to be close to him.

Char and her boyfriend were in town that Saturday and wanted to hang out. I didn't want to be the third wheel, so I invited Mark to come with us. We watched Seinfeld at my house, went to the mall, visited some people, and then finished the night with a movie. The whole time it felt like Mark and I were a couple, and I really liked that feeling. I wanted to sit close to him on the couch. I was tempted to put my hand on his knee. But I kept telling myself that it was all in my head; that I wanted it for the wrong reasons; that I had already made my decision to break his heart; etc...

Another week went by, basically the same--I kept hoping he would ignore what I had said at Wendy's and that he would take my hand and make the decision for me. But he didn't. He kept it strictly platonic, just like he said he would. And I continued to grow even more irritated with myself for not understanding what I was feeling.

Email #7

My dearest friend,

You're 800 miles away, and yet you've really been a huge support for me today. You were encouraging and reassuring about the Mark situation, your package came (I'm actually really glad it came today instead of Friday--I needed it today), and then as I was literally crying my eyes out I find this wonderful email from you and it really helped to calm me down. You said I was sent to you, but I really think we were sent to each other because you have been such an amazing friend to me. Blast. Here come the tears again. I'm so emotional right now--a huge mess. It really makes me so grateful to have wonderful friends like you, and Julie, and Charlie, and everyone else. I posted one line on my blog last night--something about how I messed up and I just want to go home. Both Brian and Mike made me tell them what happened and it really made me feel good to know they cared so much. Maybe my friends have "dramatic" lives, but I'm overly emotional about my semi-dramatic life and you guys are still so fantastic to me. I don't even know why I'm so upset about this whole thing. I mean, Mark is the one that's hurting (and I can tell he's hurting) and it makes me so upset that I was the cause. I think I'm sort of mad at a lot of aspects of the whole situation and it's all combined to make me emotional, upset, distracted, stressed, and socially boring.

I suppose I should answer your email first and then tell you the entire story.

I had a fun birthday. Not the funnest one I've ever had, but it was enjoyable and I wasn't disappointed. We all watched a movie and ate cake after dinner. Charlie and I are supposedly going on our date this Wednesday as his birthday present. And really, as much as I love being with all the guys, I think it would have been 100 times better if you and Julie had been there. I thought about you two the whole night.

I'm glad Popsicle is doing well. I honestly haven't talked to her in a long time and I feel guilty about it. But I feel better knowing she has you to talk to.

Nothing has happened with Collin. He's a really great guy that I'm actually attracted to but I sort of doubt anything will happen, especially now that this Mark conflict has arisen. Right now I don't really want to think about romance. I hate romance right now. I want nothing to do with it.

Sorry. That's the emotions talking. I really am flattered that Shannon and your mother have said such nice things about me. Really, it does me good to hear that. I can't say I'm seeing it fulfilled in many ways, but it still does me good to hear that. I think they underestimate your attractiveness though. You are just as gorgeous and cool as me, if not even more so. I was talking to Brian about you and he was just laughing and saying how cool you were and how he should text you and stuff. So don't think I'm the only hot one. Sorry to disappoint your mom's predictions of my impending marriage though.

Every one of those friends you mentioned has given more back to me than I've given to them. I suppose God sent us all to each other. I know I'm grateful for that.

So. The story. Friday night, while we were watching the movie, Mark patted my head or something and I joked that he should play with my hair. And he said he loves playing with hair so he did. The entire movie. And he was really good. So I didn't complain. It was nice.

Saturday, I decided to go to Kohl's in AF and I wanted someone to come so I asked Mark. He said of course, so we went, and we talked and just had a great time. I had been suspicious of him liking me for quite some time, but I still wasn't positive. Now I realize why he was so willing to run errands with me and stuff.

Saturday night a bunch of us went camping. Collin, Charlie, Jay, Mark, Charity, Me, Archy, and Brian. I told you I ended up between Mark and Collin, without actually trying. That was cool. Seven of us were in a four-person tent, so it was pretty cozy. Mark was surprisingly really cool about having to sleep so close to a pile of gay guys.

I didn't really sleep much at all, and finally I was to the point where I was just laying there uncomfortably staring at the tent ceiling. Mark was awake too and we checked the time: 5:30 am. Ugh. We both voiced how uncomfortable it was and how someone had been snoring, etc. Mark decided to readjust positions--I ended up using his arm as a pillow, and then he just put his other arm around me. It actually WAS more comfortable that way, and I said so. He said good, and that he had been afraid that I would be awkward if he put his arm over me. I said no because the entire tent situation was already awkward so having his arm around me was nothing.

I had one hand on his arm, and the other was underneath his hand cuz it was cold. It wasn't long before he started really slowly to caress that hand a little bit. I was really tired and cold and didn't mind, so I just let him. Somehow it evolved to the point that both hands were being held and caressed and I found myself doing the same to him. I was on my side with my back to him, and he pulled me in really close to him with his arms around me.

I'm not going to lie--it was exhilarating. I kept thinking that I shouldn't be doing this, that I don't even like Mark, that I was going to regret this later, but I was enjoying it so much that I just ignored my rational thoughts and enjoyed it.

Collin finally left the tent, and I soon followed. I sat by the fire and I was terrified. I knew I had just done something bad and I had no idea what to do about it. I was quite frightened and so I stayed away from Mark the rest of the morning, which was probably hurtful for him.

On the ride back, we were in the back seat of Charlie's truck. He had his arm across the seat, and when I leaned in to show him some pictures on my phone, he put his arm around me. He made an observation about how messy my hair was and started gently playing with it. He also really likes ears, so he'd delicately massage my ears too. It felt really nice.

I was distracted the rest of the day, but somehow I was a good enough actress to not let anyone know. After my grandparents house, I talked to Julie for several hours. I talked to Charlie that night too. I knew I didn't like Mark in the way I usually like guys, but I wanted to so bad. He's so much fun to be around, he's wonderful to talk to, he's sensitive and kind, he's an active member of the Church, he has all the same interests as me, I never get sick of being around him...And yet I'm just not feeling "gaga" about him. I was also worried about the Peter situation. And I'm going home soon. So I had no idea what to do.

I was able to sleep though, and I overslept. I really didn't want to do anything, especially go to class. But I had to. So I barely made it on time, and paid enough attention to take some notes. I knew I had to talk to Mark soon, but I didn't want to do it at all. I text-ed him, "You and I need to DTR." We figured out when, and then I continued to be frightened and nervous as I texted you the situation.

When he came over I felt so awkward. I didn't know what to say to him or how to treat him. He acted normal so we basically just chatted for a long time, both of us trying to put it off. Finally he said, "So....you text-ed me today...."
Me: Yeah...
Mark: I haven't really done this before....
Me: Me neither...It's sort of awkward.
Mark: Sort of.

We picked up our garbage and left Wendy's. As we're walking to my car:

Mark: So...I like you. There. I like you. And I'd like to date you, but I know you have crushes on other guys. So I've been fine with just being your friend.
Me: I'm not going to lie--If someone has asked me three days ago if I had a crush on you, I would have said no.

I could tell that hurt him.

Me: I COULD date you, and it wouldn't be awkward at all. I mean, you're awesome, and I love spending time with you, and I never get sick of you, but it wouldn't be fair for me to make the decision that we date.
Mark: What do you mean?
Me: I mean that if I say we should date, it's just because I think it would be fun, which is selfish. Also, what if I still like Peter in the fall? That's not fair to you.
Mark: Yeah I thought about that too. And you're going home in two weeks.
Me: Yes, that's another thing. So I suppose we could date right now, or we could wait and see how things are in the fall.
Mark: Well I hate long distance relationships.
Me: Yeah me too.
Mark: So let's not date right now and see what happens in the fall.
Me: Good idea.
[Pause]
Mark: I'm glad that's over with.
Me: Yeah, I really didn't want to do that.
Mark: I wanted to call you so many times yesterday.
Me: That's why I didn't want to put this off.
Mark: Yeah. So you aren't going to be awkward now are you?
Me: No no way.
Mark: Good. Give me a call and we'll hang out.

And then he left for work.

I wanted to give him a hug, but there was no time for it as he was leaving. He seemed like he just wanted to get out of there. I can't blame him. I could tell he was really sad, but he put on a good face and tried to joke and make it all right.

I went over to Mike's house and spilled everything. Then I went and got ice cream.

I went to FHE at the Matises house with all the gay people. It was incredible. The speaker was great, and everyone there was so kind and loving and accepting. I was really glad that Charlie came too. And it was really good for me--for a little while I forgot my dramatic life and I was social and bubbly and quite charming as I went around and met a bunch of people. It was so good for me--just what I needed.

We went to Archy's house after and just sat around talking. It was great fun for a bit, but then I started to think more and more about the Mark situation and I became antisocial. I then suddenly realized that my car was at Charlie's house and that it was going to get booted. We went over there, and sure enough, there was a nice little red boot on my car. Red is SO not her color. It's funny because Charlie, Brian, and Archy were all saying how sorry they were and how they felt bad about it and stuff, and I didn't even care. It was just something to add on to my day. I was just beyond caring, and I shrugged it off.

Archy took me home and I thanked him. I felt bad because I had been so antisocial and they were probably all worried about me but whatever. I got ready for bed and I really wanted to read this really cynical book called The Bell Jar, but I realized I had left it in my car. So I got online instead. No one was on, which was good cuz I didn't want to talk to anyone.

I had received six comments on my blog, which was really nice to see that people cared and offered to talk to me or help me if I needed anything. And then I found your email which really helped a lot. Charlie texted me and told me he'd help me take care of the boot on my car the next day. And he said he loved me. I told him not to help me pay for it, but I asked if I could spend the day with him. He said of course and that he loved me again.

By this time I'm crying and going through tissues like crazy. Haha. Your email helped me a lot. It's now morning time and Charlie's actually here as I type this. I'm feeling better because I slept forever and God was kind enough to send me dreams of playing bells and stuff that didn't have to do with Mark. And now we're going to go get Smart Cookie. I think I'm snapping out of it so I'll be okay. I just hope Mark isn't too down about it. I texted him last night and he seemed sad. Poor guy. I feel really bad about it.

But life must go on. It will be okay.

Thanks so much for saving my life like 80 times. I love you so much and hope that your life is less dramatic than mine. Haha. I can't wait to see you.

And thanks again for your present. It really helped.

Muah.

Love, Natalie

Email #6

Hey Sunshine. Sorry to hear that the theater sucks as usual and that you still can't eat. Maybe you'll get mega skinny. ;) Actually that's called anorexia and that's not good. Ugh I don't know what I'm talking about. It's one of those days. I do wish you would get better soon. I can't even imagine all the crap you've had to go through. That's funny about your ward totally bombarding you. Just goes to show how amazing you are and how many people you've touched. And as far as singles ward goes, I don't really care. I'll go if you and Popsicle go, but that's it. Everyone from last summer got married, and you're right--I don't really want to hang out with Kelly by myself. So just tell them you'll start going when I do. Yay. I'll probably go to fourth ward the first week or so when I'm home though. My rents are going out of town for a week and I think it would be mean to drag Harry to singles ward. Haha.

I don't know what kind of "details" you want about me and Collin. There really aren't any. It's funny--I'm slightly (emphasis on SLIGHTLY) interested in Collin, but I spend my time giving him romance advice for this girl he likes. I'm screwing myself over to be a good friend. Go figure. I better get brownie points in heaven for that. Like I said though, it's a very very slight interest, and I'd have to say I don't even think about it much. Nor do I see him very often. So whatever. That's that.

And holding hands with Moho's doesnt really count as "action" I dont think. I mean, I really don't get anything out of it except the entertainment of watching other people be awkward. *Shrug.* Whatever. And I haven't seen the cute guy from Roseville since last Monday at that ward activity. So there goes that. No attraction to Mark, although he did stay at my house until 6 am the other night helping me study (Elizabeth is out of town. haha). But still no attraction.

And I never agreed with you about the hotness queen thing. So I can be the self-proclaimed Queen of Sucking at Dating and Life if I want to. So there. *Sticks out tongue.* You're the one who has guys asking you out, and stalking you, and buying you necklaces. Haha.

As far as Peter goes, I've been able to gather a bit of information from Mark. Haha. Apparently Peter and this Emma girl are really close. He said he once asked Peter if he was ever going to tell me about India and Peter said no. What a jerkface! I was like, well what was he going to tell me when she's out here and he suddenly had a girlfriend? I swear, boys are idiots. It's funny though, I still think Peter was a little interested in me. I mean, we hung out all the time, and he paid for me all the time. And even now, we talk about every other day online. We've been emailing each other on Facebook for a while, so I tried being boring to see if he would stop emailing me---and he hasn't. So I don't know what his deal is. I asked Mark if Peter's the kind of guy that will stop hanging out with all of his friends when he has a girlfriend. Mark didn't know--apparently they didn't really become good friends until after Emma left. So we'll see. And I know Peter has had gay friends before so he doesn't really care that I have gay friends. Obviously he hasn't knowingly met any of them though, and I don't know if he ever will. We'll see.

How is Popsicle by the way? Have you talked to her? I haven't talked to her since before she left Provo. Man I suck at being friends with people.

Charlie is doing okay I guess. He really enjoyed the Pride festival, and I know a couple of Moho's who went. He's not like antagonistic towards church, he's just sort of indifferent and doesn't want to put in the effort. Collin has been a good influence on him though and has been really encouraging. Charlie's also not going to stay at BYU. He's staying until October (but not taking classes) and then he has plans to do what Andrea did and go to Brazil until the end of December. Then Celine (who is pregnant, did you hear?) will be having her baby sometime in February and Charlie plans to just work and go to school in Cali. Maybe transfer to Davis or Sac State. BYU just isn't working out--he doesn't have a high enough GPA to get in. I think he wants to join the Peace Corps so going to Ecuador will look good for that. I wish he would get active in the church though. I guess we just have to keep praying for him.

I better get to hang out with you this summer. I'm going to have two jobs also, but still. If I don't get to see you frequently I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to need relief from the family, and I'm not going to have anyone else to talk to about Provo life. Especially the Moho's! Haha. I freaking miss you.

Love you tons. I have to go take a test. And then I have no homework the rest of the week. Sweet relief and birthday. :)

Natalie

PS--What's your favorite Disney princess? I can't decide...Belle is really pretty and stuff, but Pocahontas is hardcore and can use a bow and arrow and stuff. And Ariel is a mermaid. Decisions, decisions.

Email #5

Hey Sunshine, thought I'd just email you about my fabulous weekend!

Thursday was a fabulous day--I was very productive and did really well on the psychology quizzes that I didn't study for. Then I went to the Killers concert with Jay, and that was absolutely amazing. I had so much fun. They were SO GOOD. Then I stayed up late talking to Mike and reading a book. So good.

Friday I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Collin. He wanted to go hiking with me in the canyon. I was delighted because Collin rarely initiates anything social like that so I said of course I would go with him. I wore my new Chacos and we drove up the canyon. Neither of us had any idea where we were going, but we finally found a trail. His crappy car almost died, so it was quite an adventure. We walked pretty far up the trail, not knowing where it went, and finally stopped at a little campsite. It was awesome. We sat on this big rock and you could see out over Provo and Utah Lake. There was a really nice breeze too. We sat there for like two hours just talking and enjoying the view. Somehow he convinced me to give him a massage but I made him give me one too. Finally we left because he had a date that night he had to get ready for. It was great fun though. I didn't realize how cool Collin is. We had some really good serious conversations and some fun ones too. And it wasn't awkward at all. I had a really good time.

I went home to find that I was sunburned, and that I have a Chaco tanline on my feet. Huzzah! Hehe it looks so funny. I washed up and then went to dinner with Mike and his mom. After we took his mom home we hung out with some of the mohos and met a new one. He's really cool and we got his number. We left and made brownies at this kid Andrew's house and then watched a movie. Way fun. Mike and Andrew are really cool kids.

Saturday I slept in really late, and then ran errands. I called Cameron and wished him happy birthday. He doesn't leave until September so we'll get to hang out with him before he leaves. Collin and I decided to go on an adventure, and neither of us had been to Utah Lake, so off we went. Apparently you have to pay to get into the park, but it was only a couple of dollars, so I paid for Collin (apparently this was a date. lol). We walked out on the rocks as far as we could go, and we sat and talked for a while as the sun went down. It was really lovely. Until the bugs started eating us. So we went back to his house and watched this movie called "Envy" but it was really dumb. So we turned it off, got shakes from Wendy's, and went up to the Y-mount parking lot to eat them. Finally I took him home.

Church was fabulous on Sunday--I actually have people to talk to and sit by at church. Yay for being social in this ward! Grandma's house was good, although Brian was supposed to come with me and he didn't make it. He and Charlie were in Salt Lake for some Gay Pride festival. (They asked me to go, but I kindly declined).

Also, I'm reading "Cry, the Beloved Country" which is an amazingly inspirational book. So good. You would love it.

So I had a fabulous weekend and I just wanted to tell you about it! Alas, now I have to go do homework. I'm at the library and it's freezing!!! I hecka miss you! Only a few more weeks until I come home. Yay! Tell your fam I said hello. Love you tons.

Natalie

Email #4

Sunshine!!!!!!!

Oh man I've been looking forward to this email SO FREAKING MUCH you have no idea. I'm sitting here in the library (just came from class) and I was laughing and smiling and stuff at your email. I don't think anyone noticed though, and I don't care! I miss you hecka bad fool. No joke, yesterday I saw the first group of EFY kids going to dinner and then later having a dance, and I was so tempted to call you and reminisce on EFY past. I was thinking about how weird it is that when we were here for EFY I didn't know my way around and everything was unfamiliar, and now I live here. So weird. I remember we took pics with the Y in the background, and that funny guy Brett that we renamed Stewy and all those other crazy things. I felt so OLD. I mean, that was three years ago. And now I'm a sophomore in college with almost 50 credits. I mean, what the heck. So weird.

I'm so happy about your shower. I bet it was amazing. Showers are great anyway, but after that many days, I bet it was the greatest shower in human history. You should record it in detail for posterity's sake. And I'm so glad you're feeling better, especially that you're well enough to go on dates. That's the important thing. Haha.

And I can't believe StringBean left! He really has matured, and as odd as he is, he is a really good guy. Maybe when he gets back from his mission he'll be super hot and suave and he'll return to sweep you off your feet and steal you away. Maybe. But yeah, that was really funny when you sent me that text. I wanted to tell Mark what it said but then I remembered he doesn't know about Charlie. He hasn't even met Charlie yet. Hahaha.

Charlie is good I suppose. He's settled into Provo quite nicely, although to be honest I haven't really talked to him the past couple of days. It's cool though. We hung out on Friday. I'm proud of myself for not relying on him as much as I used to. So that situation is lovely.

As for me? I'm fabulous. School stress varies weekly. One week it's super easy, another week I'm swamped with homework. My roommates are awesome, as I've already stated, so no problems there. We don't even mind sharing food and stuff. It's great. And CLEAN. Haha.

I've been hanging out with Mark a lot, as I mentioned. We are so alike, it's insane. But no, I'm not attracted to him. Sometimes I wish I were because then life would be so much easier, but alas, I'm not. So he's just a cool friend that I contact daily in some form or another. I also exposed him to a couple of the Moho's. It was sort of awkward because they were the guys that I don't really like to hang out with, but I was hanging out with them to be nice. Mark came and kept me sane. He thought it was funny and didn't mind at all that they were all flamingly gay. Then Mike came over the other night when Mark was at my house. Mike was totally open about being gay and stuff and he and Mark got along well. After Mike left, Mark said he seemed like a really cool guy. So I was pleased with that interaction. Mike is one of my favorite people, and since he lives next door I see a lot of him, much to my delight.

I met this uber cute guy in sacrament meeting, who happens to be from Roseville. He was hilarious and really friendly, and we hung out a lot at the ward activity on Monday (aren't you proud? I'm being social in this ward!). Unfortunately, he just graduated and is only here until late July before he moves to Irvine, CA to start his new job. I'm so bad at this game of getting guys.

I'm loving my music class though, and I'm succeeding in my psychology class, so it's great. At first I didn't like having so few people on campus, but now I do---the library is never crowded and it's very relaxed.

I miss you and Julie like crazy though. As much as my roommates are cool to talk to, they aren't nearly as entertaining as you too. Or crude. I sort of stifle my crude comments and your mom jokes around them. And I haven't broken the honor code in like a week! Haha. Maybe these roommates will save me. :)

As for Peter, we still talk online and email on Facebook. I'm sort of glad he's in another state too because I don't think I'd know how to act around him if he were here. I mean, I can't flirt or anything if I know he has a girlfriend, can I? It's weird though, cuz I keep remembering little things that seemed to indicate he was interested in me, and yet, I have no idea now if that was just me wanting him to be interested. Also I remember two little things about his girlfriend that I just didn't realize before. In his scriptures he had that paper that said "Emma and Peter" and had retarded sacrament meeting drawings. Also I remember looking through his phone and he had some texts from Emma. At the time I didn't know who she was so I just figured it was some friend of his. And Mark told me that that night we went out with his brothers, Samuel asked me if I was going to India too (like Peter's last girlfriend did), and Mark quickly said I didn't know about India. Apparently I hadn't heard either of them, so I asked what he said and he just said nothing. So yeah, there were little clues, but I just didn't get it. In the mean time, I'm sort of just waiting around to see if things work out with his girlfriend. And if they don't, I'm going to be ALL over that. Ha. And I doubt Mark is interested in me.

Also, I'm REALLY GLAD that you ignored Matt and that he's finally getting the picture. I was ready to tell him that if he ever talks to you again I would stab him in the eye, but luckily I don't have to do that anymore. Good thing too, cuz I don't think it's very Christ-like to stab people in the eye.

And I'm sure your parents don't mind getting things for you. They're probably just happy you're alive. I wouldn't mind getting things for you! You guys took care of me when I was sick. :)

Congrats on getting in to the Jerusalem program thing!!!! I was secretly hoping you would decide not to go because I want you all to myself, but I really am happy for you. How often do you get to go to Israel? I mean seriously, this will be such a great experience for you. And I know it's something you've always wanted to do. Yay for fulfilled dreams!!! So now, if we never get married, we can at least say that you went to Jerusalem and I learned how to play bells. Hahaha. Careful though--you'll be on the same(ish) continent as StringBean! :) I really will miss having you as a roommate. You better have email access so I can contact you or else I may go insane. Luckily Julie will be around. She's going to be mega sad though. I think she should move to Cali. But that's just me. And if we have a crazy roommate, we'll just make sure she moves out. But wait--you'll be living with us in the winter right? You better!

Dude this is MEGA long. I better let you go, and I better go get some studying done! Hope you have a fabulous week! If you can ever get your phone to work, give me a call sometime and we can chat it up! Love you lots and I can't wait to see you in less than a month!!

Natalie

Email #3

Always from me to Sunshine.

Dearest dearest Sunshine,

You have no idea how excited I was to get your email. It honestly made me cry...All the awful things you went through, and the amazing testimony you have. I can't imagine how horrible it was, and I don't think I'd be strong enough for that, but you were. And you have such an amazingly positive outlook on it still. I really feel lucky to be your friend. I would be your guardian angel anytime--I feel like it would benefit me more than it would you! I really love you Sunshine, and I miss you so much. I love that you replied and are still worried about how my life is going. It really makes me feel loved.

I don't doubt that you are disgusting. :) But I've always liked that lion hair. Haha. But just think how amazing that shower is going to be when you finally can. Soon you will be better and soon you will be clean. I would get you a jamba if I were there, but you know...I'm not there.

My romance life. Um. Right now it's like the opposite of romance. Yeah, I think I'm basically done with Charlie. I wish he would go to Church though...Collin and I will keep trying. I just keep hoping that he'll have some amazing spiritual experience and remember what it's all about, but it hasn't happened. I appreciate your prayers for him. And yes, I know Collin and Charlie sent you a card. It wasn't even my idea either. They are just sweeties.

As far as Peter goes...well...I thought I was getting good signs. Until I went on Peter's Facebook profile and saw that he is "in a relationship with Emma so-and-so." What the heck? I couldn't figure it out--I mean, he and I have gone on dates. There's no way he could have a girlfriend. And I don't even remember him ever mentioning an Emma.

So I questioned Mark. Apparently Peter's girlfriend (this Emma girl) went to India to teach English or something. They broke things off when she left so that they both could date around and stuff. Which explains why he's gone on dates with me. Mark said he doesn't know if they'll get back together or not when she comes home--it could go either way. So I carefully brought it up with Peter. Apparently they've been dating for about six months. I asked when she comes home. When he said the end of June, I said that must be exciting. He said yes. I asked if he missed her and he didn't respond. I said that was probably a stupid question and he said yeah. So it looks as if he still likes her. Which sucks.

I can't say I'm all heartbroken or anything, but I am disappointed. I thought maybe I should date Mark instead (he and I have SO much in common it's insane) but that would always be slightly weird since I'mm more attracted Peter. And that wouldn't really be fair to Mark.

Argh. Boys are a disappointment. No more about them for now. I have too many random stories.

Also, I think if Matt doesnt leave you alone I'm going to stab him in the eye. Ok I would be nicer than that. But seriously. Can I talk to him? I promise to be nice. You should give me his email. I won't argue with him. I just want to email him.

Man, did I tell you you're amazing? And congrats about sky diving. Also, Castro...yeah, I don't even want to go there. You're totally right--so trashy. I love my "moho's." It's a shame that there are so many disgusting gays in SF though. And you know something? Charlie loves going to gay clubs in Castro. SO SAD. That boy...*shakes head.*

Oh man this email is losing focus. I'm tired and Julie is going to call me cuz I haven't talked to her for weeks. Sorry this is ending lame. You should read my blog for more info on my life. I'm too lazy to type it twice. Hahaha. You get the more detailed stuff though of course. I love you so much Sunshine. I miss you tons. And I will totally go see Hairspray with you! Have a good week. I hope you get to feeling better. Just read some good books to pass the time. Love you tons!!! Muah!

Natalie

Email #2

From me to Sunshine.

Hey love,

You had me really worried for a couple of days. That Saturday morning I was so worried I broke down crying in Charlie's car. Luckily Charlie is cool, but man, was I worried. Imagine how glad I am to hear you are out of ICU and doing better! I'm so sorry you had to go through so much crap. Charlene and I wish we could have split the pain with you, but I suppose life doesn't work that way.

I've actually been pretty busy the past week. Go figure. Last Friday night I went camping with Charlie and Joseph. It was lots of fun. We found this great place up the canyon past Spanish Fork. We made a fire and then the three of us snuggled and watched the stars. I wished you had been there because we didn't know any of the constellations except the stupid Big Dipper. :) Charlie, who is normally not very cuddly (remember the last email I sent you), was suddenly very cuddly when we were camping. He kept playing with my hair and we actually fell asleep holding hands. Uhh...

I mean, I didn't complain. But I knew it didn't mean anything, and I knew it was a one-time deal. I was right--things went back to normal after that. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I guess it just gave me hope that he has fewer problems with physical intimacy than I had previously thought. In fact, I mentioned that to him; I told him he probably was more capable of marrying a girl than he thought. His response was that he doesn't want to marry a girl. At all.

Not that I didn't already know that. He hasn't been going to Church. Basically the only reason he's not dating a guy is because he hasn't found one he likes. Collin and I were talking about it, and I think it hurts Collin more than he'll let on. Charlie used to be so strong in the Church, and now he's very flaky about it. I worry, and I know Collin worries. I was talking to Mike the other day about this and I mentioned that I think I could marry a gay guy as long as he was rock-solid in the Church. Because as long as I knew that, I knew we could work through all of the other issues. And that's basically why I can't marry Charlie.

It's so weird, Sunshine, to think that a few months ago I honestly thought that maybe I was supposed to marry Charlie. And now, I know I just can't. It would never work. And I used to depend on him so much. I don't depend on him as much anymore. I'm learning how to depend on myself. It's sort of scary...but I can't depend on him if he keeps going in the direction he is. I suppose we'll just have to see what happens.

Dang it I got off on another soap-opera rant.

Ok back to life.

The day after camping I was mega tired and mega worried about you, so I went home and showered and slept for a really long time. I pretty much just hid the entire day.

Sunday was much better. Our ward meets at 1:00, so I slept in. I was sort of bored in Church, but I sat by this awesome girl Mena. She reminds me of Stephany Rosen a lot--a big girl, but very cute, with a very loud and slightly obnoxious manner about her. I love it. She is really nice and really amazing. So we had fun.

Charlie came with Rebecca, David, and I to dinner at my grandparents house for Mother's Day. It was crazy because there were so many people, but still fun. My grandpa wants Charlie to come back next time too. Haha. Monday was sort of boring, but then I went to FHE. I didn't know anyone there except Cheryl's friend Terri, but I met a lot of cool people and actually had a good time. Then Mike and I went to Barne's and Noble where I bought some new books. Yay! Next we went to one of Mike's friends' house...Ty Mansfield. He was one of the writers of "In Quiet Desperation." He was really cool and so was his house-mate. Both were gay, but the kind that are mega devoted to the Church. We made cookies. :)

Tuesday I got out of psychology early, and I was reading a book when I got a text from Peter asking what I was doing. I said nothing, and asked him what was up. Apparently he and Mark quit their job in North Dakota and had made their way back to Provo. Mark's brother Pan was going into the MTC the next day, so Mark was busy with family. Peter came over for a bit and we just chatted. It was lovely to see his gorgeous face again. *sigh*

I then went to Rebecca and David's house for dinner. It was David's birthday, and he and Rebecca had been so fond of Charlie that they invited him too. My older brother also just moved to Provo for the summer so he came. The five of us had a fun little dinner, then I returned home and called Peter. He came over and we started watching the "Shawshank Redemption." Then Mark called and wanted us to go get food with him and his brothers.

So we went to Beto's. I wasn't hungry but I ordered some rice so I wouldn't have to stare at everyone else eating. Peter paid for me. Mark's brother Samuel had his girlfriend with him, and because I came with Peter it sort of seemed like I was Peter's girlfriend. And he paid for me. Umm... I didn't complain. :) Mark's brother Pan was really funny. He told Samuel's girlfriend that she wouldn't fit in their family because she was really quiet. We all laughed and then he turned to me and said that I would fit perfectly in their family. When he left, I wished him luck and said maybe I'd see him in two years. He said, "Yeah, maybe you'll marry Mark or Peter. That would be cool." I laughed and said perhaps.

Peter and I made our way back to my house to finish the movie and Mark came for the tail end. Peter and I were sitting pretty closely on the couch, our arms touching the whole time, and we shared a foot rest. Bah. I'm smitten.

The next morning I had to take Rebecca to the airport, and I convinced Peter to come with so I wouldn't have to drive back alone. Then he drove me to class. I swear, I had the hardest time concentrating.

I came home and tried to study but ended up falling asleep. Finally Peter and Mark came over and the three of us went to see the Ninja Turtles movie. Then we went and got food, and went to Peter's future apartment to play games. Peter kicked our trash at Scene It. At like 1am I finally left. I said goodbye to Peter again, and then drove Mark home.

Peter left for DC yesterday. Apparently he has a friend there that offered him a job. Mark is staying here for spring and summer.

It was really great to have him here again. Like "old times." Ha. Really though, I have so much fun just being around those guys. Mark came over last night to make dinner with me, and then again later to watch a movie. I have a lot in common with Mark, which is perfect because he's Peter's best friend. So if Mark compliments Peter, and I'm just like Mark...I would be the ideal girl for Peter...I'm just saying. :)

And I've been really lazy about doing homework and stuff, but I'm to the point where I don't really care. Joseph text-ed me several times a day after our camping trip, which got slightly annoying, but I think he gave up. I'm a bad friend sometimes, I swear. I guess I just don't like it when people act less cool than me. I don't really think I'm that cool, and I like to hang out with people who are cooler or the same coolness as me. But when people act like I'm the cooler one, it's weird. I mean, I'm not that cool, and if I'm cooler than them, what does that say about them? Anyway. Joseph is still cool, I was just getting annoyed with the texting. But he stopped.

Oh my gosh I'm so long-winded. This is like the longest email of all time.

I guess I just want to tell you everything because normally you know everything about my life.

I miss having you here.

Feel better my friend. I can't wait to be out there with you. Feel free to respond or not respond. I will probably just keep sending you long emails. Haha. Love you.

Natalie